Like many artsy-fartsy folks, I struggle with clinical depression coupled with crippling anxiety. It might be cool if a creative person battling with inner torments and emotional pain was unique — but let’s face it, it’s so common it’s cliche. If I were like any other self-respecting starving artist, I’d man up and turn to drugs and alcohol. I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re supposed to do. Since I have a family, however, that oh-so-also-cliche option really isn’t on the table. So I opt for the other type of drug: The kind prescribed by a doctor.

Since I also struggle with migraines, and have a severe reaction to most drugs (See! I am super special!), it’s challenging to get a combination of drugs that treats both depression and headaches while not making me gain weight and have other *ahem* embarrassing side effects. BUT, since mid-summer, I’ve been on a combination that seems to be working! Yay!

My moods have been fairly steady. I’ve had very few fits of dark, ominous, soul-crushing depression. I’m still not comfortable in large groups of people, but I haven’t had any anxiety attacks. I haven’t lost weight, but I stopped gaining. Heck, even my insomnia has mostly disappeared. I’m more “normal” than I have been for years. What a happy ending, no? But…

I’m boring.

That’s not really a fair thing to say. I’m still me. I’m still the funny guy in most crowds. I’m still smart enough to solve most problems at work. I’m still weird enough that people aren’t quite sure how to take me. I’m still really good at Balderdash. The part of me that I most love, however, seems to be sleeping. I have no motivation to create. Anything. At. All. And that bothers me.

Can you remember the last time I made a silly video of myself? I can’t. Can you remember the last time I did a tech tip video for Linux Journal? I can’t. Heck, even blogging — I’ve averaged one post a month since July. One PER MONTH. Who does that?

It gets worse though. Since I’ve been on this “working” cocktail of medicine, I’ve missed every writing deadline I have. I’ve completely failed to produce web content when I’m supposed to. Heck, I’m in the middle of writing a review now that is so boring, reading it might kill people. My creativity is seemingly gone. And I miss the crap out of it.

So there is my conundrum. I could continue to take my crazy-people pills, and live a perfectly ordinary life. There are many advantages. Heck, I’m even budgeting now — surely a sign of the end times. I could likely exist like this for the rest of my life, and my family would be happy, comfortable, and not worried about me. But it would be just that… existing.

But what is the alternative? Depression? Anxiety? Suicidal thoughts? Pain? Misery? Is it worth facing those things for the chance to truly live? I dunno. I’m happy now, I guess. At least I’m not unhappy. I certainly don’t want to try switching drugs again. It’s been literally years of trying different combinations, and this is the closest to “normal” I’ve ever felt.

Anyway. Wish me luck. Maybe I’ll try a prescription of light therapy, treadmill, and meditation. Maybe I’ll do nothing, it’s hard to say. My blog has the subtitle “The Thinks I Think”, it’s never been more true.

Congrats Kate!

(NOTE: The title, for those that don’t know, is because the Hugo Award is a huge rocket ship trophy…)

Stay tuned…

For some reason people want to see video proof of Flo’s suckitude. Here’s the latest cut…

Tonight is Wednesday, which means youth group at church. It’s 8:30, and we just got home. BUT, I have a video and possibly an article due for the Linux Journal website, must pack for Penguicon, must send refined interview questions to Gareth Greenaway for an article due Monday, and prepare (2) talks I’m giving this weekend.

And I need to do all that tonight!

Dear Future Shawn: Learn to say no. Really. You’ll thank me.

In fact, I suspect you may actually be a prank beverage, because it seems that when I made a cup in my gourmet single serving brewing apparatus (see, it doesn’t make my cheap coffee pot any fancier to use big words either), you foamed sticky goo all over my shelf.

I don’t like sticky.

Apparently someone at Maxwell House thought it would be a good idea to crumble up a bunch of Alka-Seltzer tablets into each can of Cinnamon Dulce Cappuccino, so that a proper foamy head would appear on each cup. Let me remind you, you are an instant beverage mix. No one takes you seriously. It was either you, or I brew another pot with my already used coffee grounds from this morning, and that idea almost won. You are what I drink when I run out of nasty office coffee. Don’t try to be more than you are, it’s unbecoming.

Now please clean my wall-secured, elevated, fibrous, hardwood shelving device. It’s gross.

Did you get a hideous tie? It just means the gifter thinks you have enough charisma to wear anything and have it look good. Did you get a sausage and cheese pack that looks like it’s from 1986? That’s aged fake-plastic cheddar! It’s probably worth thousands!

The one gift that’s always hard to take well is the soap and deodorant gift pack. How that says anything other than, “You smell bad, I thought this might help” is beyond me. I always try to imagine the person thinks I’m very concerned about hygiene, and knows I’d never splurge on an off brand travel sized gift pack myself. Oh, by the way, what is shower gel anyway? I never know what to do with half those bottles that come in the gift pack…

Anyway, keep your smile on full bore over the next couple days. Remember it’s the thought that counts. Remember you can always regift that sausage and cheese pack next year (they only improve with age I’m told). And lastly, hold off on your pasta sorting — your days of manual sorting are almost over!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone.

A big problem with my conundrum is that much of my work is based on creativity.  Yes, I make crap up for a living.  It’s quite lovely.  When a seemingly endless workload mixes with dozens of half done projects — the end result is usually shoddy product.  Which adds stress, adds guilt, and the shame spiral begins again.  What’s a geek to do?

Quite frankly, I’m open to suggestions.  Here are the things I’ve tried that have NOT worked:

• Scheduling everything in Google Calendar.  This is fine, until something goes wrong (I work in IT, something ALWAYS goes wrong).  Then I’m off schedule, have guilt, more stress, you see where this is going…
• Keeping a TODO list for all the tasks in my various jobs.  This works better than scheduling everything in a calendar, because there is no timing on the things.  HOWEVER, it’s a bit like shoveling snow from a driveway that happens to be 30 miles long.  I never see progress.  I have guilt, shame, stress, and yes, the spiral begins again.
• [INSERT PRODUCTIVITY SYSTEM HERE] — I’ve read books, watched videos, etc, etc.  Whatever system is pitched always sounds great, but my problem is I get caught up in the system and never get anything else done!
• At work, we’ve implemented a trouble ticket system that is a bit nicer than our old clunky one.  I think this will help at my sysadmin job, because I can just do the top ticket, and work from there.  They’ll never be gone, but at least I can see what to do next.  For the rest of my jobs (writing, producing videos), that doesn’t work, because there’s not just a list of things that need to be done, it varies and changes.

So I’ve been trying to think what might actually work.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Get up early and try to accomplish one thing before anyone else gets up.  Getting up early sucks, but if I only have to accomplish one thing, it might not be so bad.  Plus, I can have a nice quiet hot beverage, and maybe my creativity will flow a bit.
• Make a daily list of things to do.  NOT all the things I have to do (30 mile driveway again), but rather a smaller list of things that I need to accomplish THAT DAY.  I think I’ll put this on paper, because if I put it on something electronic, I’ll spend weeks designing the perfect list software…
• When I’m done with the list, STOP WORKING.  I think this is important, because I suffer pretty badly from burnout.  It seems like I never accomplish anything, so stopping cold turkey probably won’t really change productivity, but perhaps it will help my brain.
• Do something fun every day.  I miss fun stuff.  Perhaps this is a silly video.  Perhaps this is a silly poem.  Perhaps this is just a snowball fight with the dog.  Whatever it is, I think I should insist on doing something fun.  For science!
• Take time to read.  Even if it’s just a little.  Reading is brain exercise, and quite frankly, my brain is getting flabby.  I need to tone it up a bit.

So that’s it.  It’s not a list of New Year’s resolutions, because those never work.  It’s not some new "system" I’m going to get caught up in.  It’s just me brainstorming how to get stuff done, and be happy while I do it.  That last part seems important, ya know?  I’m open for suggestions on how to get stuff done without instilling the wrath of Mr. Shame Spiral, but we’ll see how my plan goes.  I spoke with Fred about it, and he seems to think it’s a grand idea.  Although, to be honest, I think he just wants me to feed him earlier, so he was in favor of the early rising thing. 

I’m sure some of your are just itching to comment on how a 1.5 gallon tank is too small for a betta, but I assure you I’ve done a lot of research. I’m not putting any other fish in the tank, and while I wanted to get a 3 gallon aquarium, I couldn’t find any that I liked. If Fred turns out to be awesome, perhaps he’ll graduate to a bigger tank someday. For now, he’s like a college fish living in a dorm room. Hey, it beats those little torture bowls they live in at pet stores.

I’ll try to get photos of him all flared out, but right now I’m waiting for the bubbles on the tank to go away. They block my view of his awesome.

Well, sorta.

I’m glad to be over the hump. Really, I am. I gotta be honest though, I thought being healed would feel a whole lot better. I still have a horrible cough, chest/back/neck pain, and I’m hocking up nasty critters that look like they’re about to gain sentience. I do have a prescription for Prednisone, so hopefully that will finish off whatever ails me. In the meantime, I’m going to celebrate my health with a certain amount of trepidation and concern.

I guess now is that whole “recovery” period people have been talking about. Getting old sucks.

I started with what I think was Influenza (I say that instead of “Flu”, because the stomach flu is what most people call the “Flu”, and it’s really not the flu at all. The actual flu sucks.) About a week into my misery, I apparently contracted Walking Pneumonia. I went to the doctor, he gave me drugs, tested me, etc, and send me home.

Thankfully, on Monday, my fever broke. I figured that meant I was getting better, and while I still stayed in bed, I’ve been very optimistic. Since I still have a bad cough, aches, night sweats, (and a few other issues you don’t want to know about), I did go for a follow up exam today. I expected a pat on the back and assurance all was going well.

Yeah, not so much.

The doctor was under the impression I should be better. Not relatively speaking, but completely. Like, I should be all better. So, now I’m on an even stronger medicine, and on bed rest until next week when I see the doctor. Again. Since I’ve been really good about resting and drinking fluids at home (thank you for your support, family), I don’t have to go into the hospital or anything. So far.

So the lesson for the day? Apparently you can still be pretty sick even if you don’t have a fever. Go figure. And with that, it’s back into pajamas for me.

I sat there and hallucinated as my face and upper body felt like it was on fire. (The hallucinations made no sense, and weren’t really funny, so I won’t bother you with details) It was freaky. We opened the window, so the snow would blow in on me, but it didn’t help much. It wasn’t until after I got more ibuprofen into my gut, and I had about an hour to let it do its thing that I started to feel human again. When I got home, my fever was below 103F, and I could think again. That was some scary crap.

The worst part? This was AFTER seeing the doctor. If I don’t start to heal soon, I’m going to have to go into the hospital. This is just crazy.

I’m pretty sure I have the flu right now. I looked up symptoms (after I tallied all mine, so I didn’t become self-fullfillingly sick), and apparently flu symptoms for adults are slightly different from that of children. (The latter of which I’m familiar with getting the flu, as I’ve held several puking children in my time as a father)

It turns out adults, while they get a fever, it isn’t usually as high as children. Mine is hovering around 100F, regardless if I take medicine or not. For most people, that’s a mild fever, but my baseline temp is about 96.4F. Yes, I’m apparently partly cold blooded. Perhaps my great great grandfather was a lizard. I have also had a headache for 4 days now, which is a symptom of the flu I wasn’t aware of. Yet, apparently it is.

The thing that has had me doubting my self-diagnosed flu was the fact that I haven’t vomited at all. THEN I read that in adults, vomiting and nausea aren’t common indicators. WHICH MEANS that all the other times I assumed I had the flu because I was throwing up really didn’t mean I had the flu at all. I think this might be the first time I’ve had an actual flu in the time I can remember. (11 years, for those counting my memory)

The flu sucks.

For 4 days now, I’ve had horrible body aches, moderate headache, constant fever, no appetite (the one bonus), dizziness, confusion, chills, sweats, and malaise. The flu sucks.

Thankfully, I haven’t had any respiratory problems. I hate to say “yet”, but as I seem to be feeling worse today than any other day, it’s certainly a possibility. I assure everyone, if I start to have problems breathing, I’ll go to the hospital. I won’t argue, I’ll just go. But the reason for this post is not to make everyone worry about me. It’s to say this:

GET YOUR FLU SHOT!

I hate needles so much that I’ve avoided the flu shot like the plague itself. That won’t be the case anymore. While I’ve felt sicker (pneumonia is a doozy, let me tell you), this slow worsening is rather unsettling. So yeah, go schedule your flu shot right now.

I’m going to go drink some more TheraFlu. And scold myself for not getting a flu shot.

This time, I’m not so great with the willpower. So I’ll give you some of the things I do to help curb my appetite. It’s not a diet plan, it’s not a 12 step program, just some things I do that help me lose weight.

Tip 1: Have Snacks

When you eat a giant salad for lunch, you WILL be hungry at 2PM. You will NOT want more salad, and you’ll probably cave into bad snacks unless you have some good ones readily available. Have apples available. Or preferably, vegetables. Carrots are great. Yes, they are one of those “bad veggies” that are high in sugar, blah blah blah. You’ll never meet a person that is fat from carrot intake, trust me.

If plain carrots don’t light your fire, try dipping them in hummus. Hummus is magical food. It’s really great. I’d suggest making your own though, because the store bought stuff if loaded with olive oil. You can make it really low fat, and add stuff like taco seasoning for a really yummy carrot dip.

Tip 2: V-8 is Great

Yes, it’s terribly high in sodium. It’s not really cheap. For some reason, however, this low calorie drink seems to satisfy a “food” craving for me. Plus, if you get the spicy kind, it leaves your mouth feeling all hot and bothered, which makes other food not sound as appealing. If you are hungry for food, a small glass of warm or cold V-8 might make things all better for about 50 calories. It’s a caloric bargain.

Tip 3: Have Thirds

This tip is often titled “eat smaller portions”, but I like my way better. Use a small plate, and allow yourself to go back for more. I like to use a really small plate (saucer size), and go back a couple times. I don’t feel guilty getting more food, and the time it takes to go back and forth allows your body to realize it’s full. Small plates are awesome.

Tip 4: Eat Frozen Veggies. Lots of Them.

Frozen veggies are often more healthy than fresh. I’m not making that up, it’s really true. If you eat green veggies (I like broccoli and peas) in mass quantities, it will fill you up with very little caloric regret. Plus there’s lots of fiber. I think that’s supposed to be good too. Be careful you don’t get frozen veggies with sauce already built in though. Like adding a bunch of salad dressing to a salad makes it unhealthy, sauces or butter on veggies negates the “low calorie” thing. I like to microwave an entire bag of frozen broccoli, put some seasonings on it (dry, no calorie), and eat the entire thing. Sometimes I’ll chase that with a half bag of frozen peas as well.

Tip 5: Drink Water

Another staple in diet tips, this one, for me, is simply a matter of physics. Drink a lot of water before eating, and you can’t cram as much stuff in. Yes, the water “goes away” quickly, but usually we overeat because we don’t give our bodies time to feel full. This helps a little. (It’s not magic though, I mean, it’s water, not food. Don’t expect too much.)

Tip 6: Beer and Wine are not Beverages

OK, they are. But pretend they’re not. If you like beer or wine (or hard liquor I guess), treat them like desserts, not beverages. If you by a 30 pack of Bud, and chug ‘em down like water — you will get a beer gut. “Beer gut” isn’t a metaphor, it’s a huge belly from drinking too much beer. Just because it’s not sweet doesn’t mean it’s not loaded with carbs. If you really like beer, get some expensive imports, so drinking one costs like $5-$6. You won’t chug 10 of them in a row, trust me. Same goes with wine. Sure, you can drink it with dinner, but don’t think of it as something you wash your food down with — think of it as a spice or something that adds to a meal. Have a glass of water on the table if you get thirsty, don’t gulp your wine.

Tip 7: Don’t Worry About Thanksgiving

It’s one day. Anyone that has tried to eat smart on Thanksgiving knows, it sucks. Enjoy yourself. If you want to try to be smart, eat slow. You’ll know when you’re stuffed before you have to unbutton your pants!

So there you go, Shawn’s tips for losing weight. Ask me in about 6 months if it worked again. I need to lose about 50 pounds this time, and I don’t have nearly the will power I did before.

This post is a long, wordy, self-discovery thread in which I reveal more about myself than anyone likely cares to know. It’ll probably be boring. Feel free to click away now, I won’t be offended.

I wish I would follow my own advice. Really, I do. See, my simple advice to everyone is a two step process:

1. Figure out what you love to do.
2. Do that thing.

I don’t mean that in some existential, universal happiness, hippy circle, kumbaya crap. I mean your career. Your job. You daily doings. The thing you spend most of your life doing. That thing.

For me, it’s taken 35 years to figure out what it is I love to do. For a long time I thought it was working on computers. I’m good with technology. And I enjoy technology. But it’s really not what I love. Shocked? Don’t be. I like bagels and cream cheese too, but I don’t want to have a career of eating them. Computers and technology are things I enjoy doing, things I understand, things I have an intuitive ability to fix. That doesn’t excite me when I wake up in the morning though. I don’t ever want to go to work in the morning.

Over the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to work at Linux Journal. It involves computers, technology, and allows me to write. I love writing. I really do. For the past few years, I actually thought it was writing that was the thing I should be doing every day. I actually do wake up in the morning thinking about writing. I love writing. In fact, writing allows me to fill that need deep in my soul that truly brings me a wellspring of joy.

But honestly, writing isn’t “the thing” I love.

This was a confusing revelation for me. When I write, I can feel fulfilled, totally. It does give me that soul soothing comfort everyone hopes to get from their job. Yet, I struggle to keep a diary. If writing were really my ultimate passion, a diary or journal would be like my own little crack pipe. But it turns out that I really don’t like to write in a journal. Because no one reads it. And that’s when it struck me.

I like to entertain.

For a long time, I told Donna that more than anything in the world, I like to make people smile. And I do love to make people smile. But like writing, it’s just a tool for my ultimate passion. Entertaining. That may sound hokey. It may sound like hippy circle, kumbaya crap — but really, entertaining people is my passion. It’s taken me 35 years to figure that out.

So now I’m stuck in a rough situation. I know what I love. That knowledge is powerful, it really is. It’s freeing. It’s fulfilling. It’s awesome. Unfortunately, my life is no longer all about me. I have a family that I deeply love and care for. In fact, I love my family more than I love myself. It’s true. I’m not upset that I have responsibilities that prevent me from “following my dream” right now. I’m thrilled to have a family to care for. So I choose to work in a stable job that provides financial stability for those I love.

If that job proves to be detrimental to the happiness of my family, however, I have no reason to stay. See, money and health insurance are important, but a father and husband is even more important. If the stress of my current job is killing me, and making me a father I don’t want to be, I can quit with the confidence I’ve done the right thing. That, my friend, is some powerful knowledge.

So I leave you with this:

1. Know what you love.
2. If you can, do what you love.
3. Don’t let what you’re doing change who you are.

The last point is important. Remember who you are, and who your family loves. Don’t let a bad career choice change who you are. If you do, you kill the person your family loves, and become a poor substitute. I’m working hard to make sure that doesn’t happen to my family, I urge you to do the same.

Life is too short. Carpe Diem. Trust me, it can be gone in the blink of an eye. Live your life to the fullest, please.

Yet I can’t seem to find the time to read.

When I do, I’m never sorry. Ever. Any time I’ve stayed up late reading a book, any sleepiness in the morning is worth it, because books are like magic. Real magic, the kind you get to live out just by reading them.

So my question is, when do YOU do most of your reading? I know many of you read like crazy, so much so that I’m bitterly jealous. *cough* Candy *cough* So I’m curious, when do you do the bulk of your reading? Is it right before bed? Do you read in bed? Is it in the morning? At lunch? All of the above?

I also wonder if you have to make yourself stop what you’re doing to take time to read. I think if I want to actually do some reading, I’ll have to make myself stop working. I know I work too much, so that might be a good thing.

So simply put, when do you read?

Anyway, while my life certainly hasn’t gotten any less busy, it’s still true that for the majority of my day, I sit in a chair and type on a computer. I figured it would be awesome if I could transform my work desk into a standing treadmill desk. It would help me lose weight, make me healthier in general, promote a healthy mindset at school, and not take any MORE time out of my already crazy life. I say that’s win-win. (Well, actually win win win win, but who’s counting)

One of the first problems with building a treadmill desk is that such endeavors can be quite expensive. Since we just bought a house (yes insurance covered some, but we ended paying upwards of 80K, so needless to say, money is tight) I figured I had about a $10 budget. Thankfully, my mother in law said I could use her treadmill, which was collecting dust in the shed of the last person that borrowed it. That was the first big expense, and it cost me $0. Well within budget.

The next hurdle was to get my desk, well, on the treadmill. Or in front of it, or something like that. This treadmill is on the small side, so I guesstimated it would fit under the desk, and I could just raise my desk up to accommodate the height of me standing on the treadmill. I guessed on how high it would have to go, and went to the lumber yard. I bought 12 cinder blocks. (Bricks, the kind you build houses with.) They were just over a buck a piece, so while I went over my $10 budget, it wasn’t by much. So here are the materials I had to work with:

Hauling bricks is hard work. I just want to put that out in the universe. Go hug a bricklayer or something, those folks work hard for a living. Anyway, I never really measured, but I sorta figured raising the desk by 3 blocks would allow the treadmill to fit underneath it. I had no idea if that would make the desk too high — and quite honestly, when I stacked the bricks, I was a little nervous.

As it turns out, I had to rearrange this really nice brick layout, because my electrical outlet is behind one of the bricks on the right. After asking Donna (my wife) to help me lift the desk, it was time to hook stuff back up and get the treadmill in place. Why did I ask Donna to help me? Because if it was a colossal failure, I knew she’d be kind. Here is the finished treadmill desk:

How does it work? Well, I only walked on it for about two hours today, since I put it in place during my lunch hour. In those few hours though, I learned a few things.

1. Converse All-Stars, while the most amazing and awesome shoe ever created, are not good for walking on a treadmill. I will be wearing my walking shoes to work from now on.
2. Treadmills are rather loud. Probably not all of them, but this one is kinda noisy. For the price, I’m not complaining, and Donna says she can’t hear it out in the library, so I’ll live with the noise. It’s something to consider if your situation calls for more hush hush though.
3. There are very few things that can’t be done while walking on the treadmill. Really. I’m surprised and amazed at how well I can manipulate my keyboard, mouse, etc. I can even drink coffee without spilling.
4. I need a fan. Even walking slowly, it gets hot quickly. My office is always uncomfortably hot anyway, and walking doesn’t help. Since the treadmill is noisy anyway, I don’t think a fan will be too bad.
5. So far, I’ve gotten many more compliments than rolled eyes. I suspected people would think I was crazy, or just playing in my office — but both students and adults alike thought it was a great idea. In fact, our phys-ed instructor was REALLY impressed with the idea.
6. Oddly enough, I get a feeling of accomplishment when I work while walking on the treadmill. It’s not as if I’m doing anything differently, but while my “never get everything done” sort of job is often frustrating, the fact that I walked a few miles really makes the day seem more productive. It’s quite nice.

If you’ve been considering building a treadmill desk, or even just a standing desk, I’d recommend doing it similar to how I did. Try to be cheap. I have no idea if I’ll stick with this for a long time (I really hope I do), but since it cost me about $12 total — I’m not going to feel bad if I fail miserably. However, since Donna immediately claimed my awesome desk chair, if I do give up the treadmill, I don’t think I’ll get back my comfy chair…

Jess: hi
Jess: hw u doing?

Me: Eh.
Me: I’m alive.

Jess: i need your help fast

Me: What’s up?

[the next lines came faster than any human being can type]

Jess: I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, I came down here to London, United Kingdom for a short vacation unfortunately i was mugged at the park of the hotel where i stayed, all cash, credit card and cell were stolen off me but luckily for me i still have my passport with me. I’ve been to the embassy and the Police here but they’re not helping issues at all and my flight leaves soonest from now but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills.

[I didn't think it was a scammer, I actually thought it was Jess pretending to be a scammer, which was funny, so I played along]

Me: But you’ve got WiFi, so that’s good.

Jess: Please, all I need now is just lend me $900 or any amount you have at hand now and you can have it wired to my name via Western Union I’ll have to show my passport as ID to pick it up here and i promise to pay you back as soon as I get back home

Me: You know — you could probably hock that laptop you’re on for 900 bones.

Jess: am on someone elses computer system here in the hotel where i am

Me: And that’s a problem?

Jess: and i won’t stay here for long

Me: Even better! Grab the computer and go!

Jess: pls do something

Me: What are you talking about, anyway?

Jess: am serious
Jess: in UK now

Me: Your IP address does not trace to the UK

Jess disconnected

At which point I thought the fun was over. I texted the real Jess to let her know her Yahoo account was compromised, and went back to work. A minute later though…

Jess: are u there?

Me: Yes, I’m here. You want me to send money to your name, to Western Union in London?

Jess: yes

Me: Who went with you?

Jess: me alone

Me: Does Marge even know you left? I saw her yesterday!
Me: Jess?

[long pause, at which point "Jess" is obviously looking over our previous conversations]

Jess: dad

[Jess calls me Dad, true, but it wasn't really an answer to the question!]

Me: Did you tell Marge you were leaving?

[oh yeah, there is no Marge, I was watching the Simpsons in the background]

Jess: no
Jess: am sorry
Jess: i never knew it will result all this

Me: I’ll let her know you’re OK. Do you have a local Western Union I can send it to?

Jess: yes
Jess: there is one close to the hotel

Me: I actually only have $750… perhaps the hotel will let you settle?

Jess: yes

Me: Otherwise it will be a day or so before I can get the rest, the bank is closed.

Jess: am scared
Jess: the hotel management is threatening to hand me over to the police

Me: I understand. Let me know the Western Union address, and I’ll go up to the Hippry Market and send it out.

["Hippry" was actually a typo, I was going to make up some OTHER funny name, but since it was made up anyway, it didn't really matter]

Jess: can u go and send it now

Me: Yeah, but they need to know where
Me: When I sent money to your sister for her boob job, they needed the address of the place it was going

[Jess has no sister. I also didn't really say boob job, but I wish I had...]

Jess: just tell them u want to send it to the information i gave to u

Me: Sweety, you just said you’re in the UK. I’m sure you’re scared, but can you get more info?

Jess: this is the address to send it to
Jess: Name: Jessica , State: London W10 4AH, Country: United Kingdom
Jess: when u get there, send it like this
Jess: Dad…. are u there

Me: Yes, I’m here.

Jess: are u going to send it now

Me: I’m calling your sister to see if she has the other $150

Jess: why not send me the $750 u have with u
Jess: send it first, so that i can settle the hotel bills

Me: I don’t want the hotel to give you a hard time, those people in the UK can be nasty

Jess: i know

[at this point I started to get tired of the conversation, so I figured I should just have fun]

Me: I hear they kill Americans sometimes if they don’t pay!

Jess: if i get that,i can settle them and they will be patient with me

Me: I just want to get you home

Jess: i know
Jess: just go and send the $750 first

Me: Also, your sister just texted me, she’s in Amsterdam. She can fly to London and meet you.

Jess: I need to settle the hotel bills as soon as possible

Me: Marge is going to be really upset though… I can’t believe you didn’t tell her!

Jess: Dad,pls don’t tell her anything about it
Jess: Dad, pls act fast am scared and starving here

Me: Hmm… Who is letting you use their computer? Is it a private location?
Me: Remember when we killed that bum so he wouldn’t rat us out?
Me: Maybe you can do the same to this computer person… Take their computer, and if they chase you… you know what to do. It’s a foreign country, they’ll never find you.

Jess: Dad… I can’t believe u are saying such things now, that i really need your help the most

Me: I mean, don’t be as cruel as you were to that person that stole your identity… They never could identify the body…

Jess disconnected

Oh well, fun while it lasted.

That being said, while they may understand how to brew good coffee, they apparently haven’t figured out physics. Or perhaps they haven’t figured out Styrofoam. Let me explain.

In the photo above, you’ll see that McDonald’s has taken a regular Styrofoam cup, and covered it with paper. Perhaps so no one realizes they are still using Styrofoam, since it’s so environmentally taboo? Who knows. Anyway, you’ll see the mysterious coffee that happens to be under the paper. Anyone who drinks McDonald’s coffee very often has had a cup drip from the bottom. It’s very frustrating because you don’t expect a drip from the bottom, and since it’s dripping from underneath the paper sheath — there is no way to stop the drip. It stains your pants, your shirt, your desk, your paperwork, etc.

How does the coffee get there you might ask? Well, the answer is physics. Look at the following photo:

What starts as a small imperfection in the top of the Styrofoam cup, turns into a physics dynamo, which pumps coffee directly from under the lid onto your pants. If the paper weren’t there, you’d get an occasional drip, which your thumb would catch, at which point you’d simply adjust the lid so it no longer leaks. Thanks to the paper coating, however, the drip is quietly and sinisterly absorbed into the paper. It then wicks all the way down the cup, and begins randomly dripping from around the entire bottom of the cup.

The first few months of this were maddening. I thought I just kept getting leaky cups. It turns out it was much more complex. So my only suggestion to fellow McDonald’s coffee drinkers? Drink fast. Wicking is relatively slow. And the most frustrating part? Throw the cup away after you’re finished. I tended to use my McDonald’s cup all day, to save on disposables. If you keep using the flawed design, the dripping gets worse and worse.

So there you have it, your lunchtime physics lesson.

See, while the house you so lovingly destroyed is just about replaced — the little catch 22 you threw into the mix is quite a beauty. The manufacturer won’t release the house until they get paid, and the escrow company won’t release the money until they inspect the house. I’m sure you see the problem, and I suspect you planned it this way. Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know I’ve adopted a supermassive black hole. Oh, it will take some time, but ol’ Blackey will eventually suck all your belongings into nothingness.

If you’d like to work things out, I’ll be in my basement. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to see me — there’s no house covering it. I’ll be down there burning ants. Feel free to put on your ant costume and come for a visit.

Sincerely,
Your buddy and pal,
Shawn Powers

So, whether I’m talking about my latest escapades with weight loss and exercise, explaining why charcoal grilling is the only real grilling (Hank Hill can disagree all he wants), or speaking geek over at Linux Journal (I’m horribly behind on blogging and videos over there) — I expect in the near future you will hear more from me.

And stuff has been happening. It’s just that you don’t know about it. If you follow me on Twitter you know more than some people — but really I’ve been pretty silent for half a year or so.

Can you believe it’s been that long since our house burned down? Dang.

Anyway this post serves 2 purposes:

1. To prepare the world for the tomfoolery I’ll likely spew upon it, and
2. To commit to actually returning to life as I used to know it. Saying it publicly kinda makes me a jerk if I don’t follow through.

So, how have you been?

And it’s a free market. So that’s OK.

The thing that fascinates me is just how much obsession and fanaticism Apple gets from their fans. It’s creepy. One look at the coverage of the iPhone 4 release day will show you just how loyal/crazy/creepy people are about Apple products. I don’t get it, and for that I’m rather thankful.

Ick factor aside, however, imagine if Apple wielded its forces for something that would benefit humanity. Imagine if all opening day iPhone purchasers had to donate $20 to fight cancer. (C’mon, they have disposable income to work with…) Or better yet, what if Apple donated $20 for every iPhone they sold on opening day. We KNOW they have some excess profits that day.

Whether you love Apple or hate them, you have to admit they do something right when it comes to keeping loyal fans. Until they go bonkers that is…

I didn’t want a dog. Really. I didn’t want to housebreak a puppy, I didn’t want to worry about feeding and caring for a dog every day. I didn’t want to find a dog sitter every time we left town. Dogs were messy, stinky, hairy, and stressful. That day so many years ago when the girls were staring over the fence next to the church, and gawking at puppies, it was very clear to everyone we were NOT getting one. Still, puppies are cute, so I walked over to the pen myself in order to gather my girls and look at the clumsy little pups as all the kids from church reached through the fence to pet their noses.

When I got to the fence, I saw just what I expected. Sure enough, there were puppies gathered at the fence, stepping on each other to get closer to the children that were giving them affection (and possibly crumbs of cookie still stuck on their fingers from Sunday School.) What I didn’t expect to see was a puppy halfway to the fence laying spread eagle and wagging his stub of a tail, but not coming over to get scritched. I thought perhaps he was shy, or scared, or that he had just eaten so much food that he ran out of gas on the way over to the kids. Moments later, however, I saw the problem.

All the pups had slight neurological problems, and walked a bit more awkward than a normal clumsy puppy. I hadn’t noticed before, but realized it after looking for a while. This pup, however, was much much worse. He had spent the 15 minutes or so since church got out trying to get over to the fence, but had only made it halfway before collapsing from exhaustion. His back legs couldn’t quite support his weight, and try as he might, he never made it over to the giddy children. It was in that heartbreaking moment of realization that Tigger became my dog. Honestly, I didn’t even know it yet, but looking back — it was that moment.

I jumped the fence, decked out in my Sunday best, and walked over to the squirmy puppy. Since he was unable to walk, he was covered in mud (and probably other things), but I picked him up anyway. I wish I could describe the joy that little puppy showed when I picked him up. There are some amazing joyful times in life for people: The birth of a child, scoring the winning point in a game, marrying your spouse — but in the life of a dog, I don’t think it’s possible to be more happy than Tigger was at that moment.

I carried him out of the gate, over to our van, and into our lives.

Looking back, it seems like a rather bold move for me to make, introducing a dog, especially a crippled dog, into our house without talking to Donna about it. I don’t recall her ever questioning me though. We took him home, cleaned him up, and let him play in the front yard with the girls. It was that day he got his name. See, Tigger wasn’t strong enough to walk, but when he tried, his back legs would bounce his butt up and down. He didn’t walk, but he sure could bounce! Thus, Tigger was his name.

That summer proved to be quite challenging for Tigger. The vet told us he would probably never walk right. He had about a 3/4″ overbite, bad legs, he shook constantly, and had possible brain damage — but his brain didn’t appear to be swollen, and he wasn’t in any pain. The best we could do would be to walk him often and strengthen his back legs so he could get around.

Yes, house training a dog that can’t walk is a challenge. Thankfully, since he constantly shook, Tigger liked to sleep wedged between the couch and the wall to help hold still. We knew when to take him outside, because as he came out from behind the couch, he would bang against the wall as he tried to get up. “THUMP THUMP THUMP!” It was time to carry Tigger outside to do his business.

Every day we would walk and walk with Tigger. At first he would only make it to the end of the driveway before collapsing, but as days turned into weeks he was able to go for short walks. We’d generally walk him as far as we could get him to go, and then I’d carry him on the way back home. The bigger and stronger (and heavier and harder to carry!) he got, the further he was able to go. We started tying his leash to the stroller, and he would pull the girls along on our walk. It was good for him, and the girls though it was awesome. Summertime sled dog!

While he had a taste for garbage (not so much in his older years), and he liked tangling with skunks (actually more often the older he got), Tigger was the best dog I could ever imagine having. He spent almost a year sequestered from the family due to an undiagnosed thyroid problem, which caused a constant nasty skin infection. But his last days were spent with the freedom to roam around the house again. He lived longer than the vets ever expected, and almost fully overcame his leg problems. Tigger had a funny little limp when he ran, but he was able to run and play throughout most of his life.

Sadly, Tigger was in the house when it burned in January. When I opened the front door to search for the animals, I found him, already gone right by the front door. With all the grown up responsibilities, duties to perform, children to care for, home to provide — I’ve never really taken the time to think about Tigger. My dog. My friend. My loyal companion.

So Tigger, it breaks my heart that you’re gone. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. And while your passing rips out my heart, I can honestly say that even though I’m typing this through the blur of tears — that look on your face when I picked you up after church all those years ago makes my pain bearable. Thanks for being there for me, when I didn’t even know I needed you.

Don’t worry, I’m not getting suicidal or anything — I’m just swinging precariously at the end of my sanity rope. (Yes yes, there’s an argument to made as to whether I ever had that rope to begin with…) See the problem isn’t so much with the pain, it’s with the consequences. Spending 60 hours a week with a headache so bad you can’t function (or at least not well) takes its toll on other aspects of a person’s life.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I kept up with my early-adulthood trend of doing jobs that were manual labor type. But I went and started using my brain. So all those things I need to get done can’t be done by a temp. That sucks. I’m not brilliant or anything, but I have unique and specialized skills. Ah, notoriety, thou art a heartless wench.

Friggen migraine. Ok, I’m off to go take another prescription assault on my liver. If you know any zombies, send them my way. I think my brain might be a bitter, bitter snack, but I’m fed up with it myself.

• The interface is the best Netflix interface I’ve used yet. It’s easy to navigate your queue, similar titles, recent additions to the streaming library, etc.
• Activating your Wii is painless, and done online. (Like the PS3 and Roku) No need to try typing your email address and password into the Wii.
• For those of you that have a hacked Wii with a USB drive for storing games — good news, the Netflix disk rips quickly, and runs from USB with no problems whatsoever.

So basically, I have a Netflix disk for a Wii if anyone wants to use it. AND, I suspect you’ll be able to download the Netflix Wii ISO from nefarious sites everywhere shortly. Heck, if you twist my arm I might rip it myself. (But I’ll never admit it online, because that would be RONG. )

And now? Back to work… ttfn

UPDATE: Wow, look, a fancy download link for a WiiNetflix.iso file. I’m not claiming to be responsible, but, um… Yeah. You can trust the link.

UPDATE THE SECOND: Yes, it’s only 37MB compressed. It expands to 4.7GB. Also, contrary to popular belief, I’m not a douche.

UPDATE THE LAST: You don’t need an ISO file anymore, there is a Netflix channel. If you need to install the new shopping channel so you can download Netflix, but don’t want to update your system, check out THIS LINK. Cheers!

The most interesting part, sadly, hasn’t been the content — but rather my inability to handle the huge mobs of people. If you’ve known me for a while, you know that after my car accident it was difficult for me to be in crowds of people. That’s still largely the case, but I don’t seem to have that problem at Linux conferences. I thought, foolishly, that perhaps I was outgrowing my issues with crowded rooms. As it turns out, Linux conferences for me are more like public speaking, even if I’m not actually speaking…

If “how brains work” doesn’t interest you at all, you may want to bail on this blog post now. HERE is a great link that will make you laugh away any guilt you may have for leaving early. Really. I don’t mind.

It turns out people with difficulties dealing with large crowds (I’m sure there is some long “phobia” for the condition) can often speak to a crowd of people without that anxiety being a problem. It seems strange, but I can attest to the fact that speaking in front of a crowd is very different than being a part of the crowd. While speaking in front of crowds is certainly stressful for many people, for some reason it’s much less difficult for me to speak to 1,000 people than to sit in chairs next to 1,000 people listening to someone else speak.

For a while I was concerned that it was an ego thing. Maybe it ultimately is, but for some reason I just seem uncomfortable in large crowds of people unless I’m the center of attention. See, it sounds horrible doesn’t it?!?!? At Linux conferences, I’m certainly not usually the center of attention, but since I’m there representing something bigger than myself (Linux Journal), it seems a bit more like I’m one of the circus acts people are there to see.

So here I am sitting in the car in the parking lot. I needed a break from the crowd. Feel free to draw your own conclusions on my anxiety issues and how they pertain to my ego. Judge me. Be sickened by me. Call me a jerk. But please, if I’m at your conference, make me dance like a monkey. Apparently it soothes me.

Photo credit to vividbreeze on Flickr

But I’m to the point I can laugh.

So I call that a win. Let’s recap, just for fun. I’m not whining, rather I’m just listing in awe the first few months of this beast:

• I developed some serious migraine issues. Hospital. Butt shots. Yeah, still sorta have that, and it sucks.
• My house burned down.
• My house burned down. (Yeah I already listed it, but c’mon — my HOUSE BURNED DOWN)
• Our pets all passed away in the fire.
• I inhaled the smoke, and ended up with pneumonia.
• The doctor and I failed to make contact regarding test results, so I never got antibiotics. I developed super pneumonia. Trust me, that’s not a super power.
• Mid-super-pneumonia, I got the flu. I called it flumonia, which didn’t really make it better, but at least it was a funny word.
• I really thought I was going to die with flumonia.
• On a return trip from LA, my flight (the one following a red-eye) was canceled. I slept on the floor next to an old bag of Cheetos.
• The computer we’ve been taking home inventory on decided the hard drive should quit working. It didn’t consult me first.
• This past weekend, I ate sushi. I bought the sushi from a grocery store. I may not have looked at the date it was made on. I sorta got food poisoning.
• And, right now, I’m beginning to get a headache.

2010: BITE ME.

Also, I think the extra day should be Friday. Face it, the first day back from the weekend (regardless of duration) will stink. Monday already has that stink about it, so let’s leave it alone. Think of all the good we’ll do…

• If everyone stayed home from work on Friday, that would be a 20% reduction in carbon emissions for the workday commute. TWENTY PERCENT. Looking at it that way, it almost seems sinful to go to work 5 days a week.
• With every weekend being a 3 day weekend, the regional tourist industry would be booming! Think about it, everyone could take a mini-vacation (walking of course, so as not to nullify bullet point the first), and we’d create jobs for workers in the tourist industry! (I’m looking at you, northern Michigan…)
• Saturday would no longer be the only perfect day. See, now, Saturday is the only day you can both sleep in AND stay up late. With my Four Tens plan, Friday and Saturday could be perfect weekend days!
• It’s the next logical progression to my ultimate plan… Three Twelves.

So, my fellow Earth dwellers — let’s take a stand. I say, save the planet! Four Tens for Two Thousand Twelve! (That will be my presidential slogan. Vote for Shawn!)

1) Do you have “dress” t-shirts?

By that I mean t-shirts you treat as more formal attire than you do the mountains of t-shirts we have for sleeping, painting, dog washing, etc. Personally I do. I have lots of t-shirts in a drawer, but I also have my “dress” t-shirts that get hung on hangers. For example, my vintage Green Lantern shirt gets a hanger, while the t-shirt from the local physical therapy place (which they handed out during a parade) gets folded and shoved in a drawer. That brings me to my next question:

2) Do you hang or fold t-shirts? Or both? Or neither?

3) Are you OK with a cotton/poly blend t-shirt, or are you only truly happy with 100% cotton?

For me, I’m only truly happy with 100% cotton — but if the shirt is awesome enough, I’ll wear a poly/cotton blend. I might put a cotton shirt under it though.

And lastly:

4) If you could wear a t-shirt to work every day, would you?

I totally would. I already wear my Converse All-Stars 7 days a week, if I could add blue jeans and t-shirts to the “every day” mix — I would do it in a heartbeat.

So that’s my question for your Saturday evening. Feel free to include a story about your favorite t-shirt. I haven’t had any long enough (post fire) to have a favorite, but I’m rather fond of my superhero shirts. Which reminds me… I still have to get one of those root superhero shirts.

One of the big problems with loving what you do, is that you tend to do too much. Really. Take me for instance, I have 3 jobs, all of which could easily be full time jobs. Sadly, I’m not doing a great job at any of them.

If you’re like me (God help you), and are a creative type person that loves what he does — you have more ideas than you have time to realize them. You probably also have more work than you can do, because you love the work you do, so you tend to take on too much. Take it from someone in the middle of such a scenario: DO MORE WITH LESS.

No, I’m not talking financially here, I’m talking time-wise. Do what you do, and do it REALLY well. Don’t cut corners so you can add a new project. Don’t over-commit because the new project is totally worthwhile. If the new project is that amazing, maybe replace something in your life with it rather than add to your existing schedule. Because here’s a secret: The new thing will replace something in your life. That “thing” it replaces may be the quality you produce in your current job. It may be sleep. It may be time with your family. Unfortunately, you won’t likely get to pick — it’ll just happen.

Really, you get to pick between doing a few things really well, or a bunch of things poorly. Perhaps on the next issue of Brainhacker, I’ll be able to tell you how to eliminate important things from your life. For now, I just urge you to stop before it’s too late.

Why Would I Hack My Wii?

There are many reasons to hack your Wii. There are many reasons not to as well. Let’s talk about them first.

DON’T HACK YOUR WII IF:

• You are afraid you might brick it. I’ve never bricked a Wii, but you never know. It could happen, and you might not be able to fix it. You could have a $200 boat anchor. (Or a Christmas gift for someone you don’t like.)
• You are afraid people will think you’re a pirate. They will. Even if you’re not. (And, you probably will be — it’s VERY tempting.)
• You are afraid of spending a few hours with a Wii, a TV, and a computer with an SD card reader. The process is long and complicated. There’s probably an easy way, but I don’t know it, and don’t think I’d trust it.
• DON’T HACK YOUR WII IF you haven’t asked your spouse. Or kids. Or the owner of the Wii. That pretty much goes for any potentially destructive behavior, but you know, it goes for Wii hacking too.

DO HACK YOUR WII IF:

• Your house recently burned down, and all the disks you bought are now forever ruined by flame, smoke, and heat. With a hacked Wii, you can get your games back without waiting the 6 months the insurance company will take to process your claim.
• Ok, admittedly that is a rare circumstance, but dog gone it, a valid one.
• You want to store your games on a hard drive, because DVDs are so 2004.
• You want to play video DVDs in the Wii. Because really, what’s up with that Nintendo?
• You want to play videos, movies, or show pictures on the TV over the network, or from local USB/SD drives. You know, like XBMC but not quite as cool.
• You’d like to watch Netflix streaming videos on your television spending only $40 on the PlayOn software instead of $80 for a Roku.
• You wanna be a dirty filthy pirate, and download games off the Internet, and play them without paying, thus robbing the makers of video games of their profits, and likely causing a cataclysmic breakdown of our economy. Again.
• Or you can hack your Wii because you wanna be like me. Seriously though, if that’s your goal, just learn to do the eyebrow thing. It’s cheaper.

The Basic Steps

Remember when I said it was a long process? Yeah, it totally is. The frustrating thing is that links will die, information will get outdated, and versions will be changed by the time you attempt to do any hacking. So I’m going to be vague enough that you should be able to find the current stuff, and not depend on me for copy/paste instructions. You’re gonna learn darn it! But like G.I. Joe says, “Knowing is half the battle.” So, you know, there’s that to comfort you. Here are the basic steps, which I’ll elaborate on later.

1. Do something awesome, which you’ll likely never understand, and overflow Wii buffers and stuff. Look, if you were smart enough to know how these things work, you wouldn’t be reading this blog entry. Just stand back and be awed like me. Basically, you have your Wii load a “bannerbomb”, which kinda crashes the system, and then starts whatever program you want afterwards. It’s super sweet.
2. Remember that Wii we just bannerbombed? Yeah, we’re gonna then load a program that will load boot code onto the Wii itself, so that we don’t have to run the bannerbomb program every time we start up our console. Because really, the wow factor will wear off, and the hacker that came up with it deserves our awe.
3. Then we’ll install the Homebrew Channel. Ok, to be honest, that program I talked about in step 2 will install the Homebrew Channel for us. Why you ask? Well, because the Homebrew Channel is the reason we hack a Wii in the first place. It’s where all the awesome programs live.
4. Yay! We have the Homebrew Channel! Unfortunately, it’s just a blank screen with nothing inside. We’ll change that by adding cool programs. Unfortunately, those first couple “cool programs” will be cryptic, weird programs that make little sense. We’ll use terms like IOS249, and Trucha Bug Restorer. You will feel as though you’re in over your head. In fact, you may be. That’s OK though, it’s not as bad as it seems. Just close to as bad as it seems.
5. We will likely celebrate now. Because really, that last step sucked.
6. Now we load a few cool Homebrew programs onto the SD card. Did I mention an SD card before? Oh, well we’ll have an SD card. You’ll be swapping it back and forth a lot. By this point, it won’t even annoy you anymore.
7. Depending on how much you want to quit, or how young your kids are, you might just start loading games onto your external USB drive now. Or, you might want to make shortcuts (or “forwarders”) to your homebrew programs right on the main screen of your Wii. All the cool kids are doing it, so you might as well too. It’s actually pretty easy.
8. By this time, the Wii is pretty much hacked. You probably won’t want to touch it for a few days, because you’re friggen tired of the thing. Your friends and family will play with it like crazy though, and never truly appreciate how much work you put into it. Oh, and they’ll all ask you how you did it. Feel free just to point them here though. You don’t have to do it for them. Once you do all this work, you’ll say, “You’re going to learn darn it!” — again, just like me…

You Need Stuff, So Get It

You didn’t read any of that stuff did you? DID YOU? Go back and read it now. There is a secret password you’ll need to go any further. Come back here when you’re done.

Good, glad to see you back. Yeah, I totally lied about that secret password. I just wanted you to read the whole thing. Deal. First you need to gather and prepare a few items:

• An SD Card. I suggest it be 2GB, but anything 2GB or less is fine. I wouldn’t go below 512MB though, because you’re going to be keeping stuff on it. Maybe a lot of stuff. Oh, and make sure it’s formatted with a FAT filesystem. Not FAT32.
• An SD Card reader for your computer. And hey, all you people thinking your 4GB SD card will be twice as good as a 2GB card? Yeah, you follow directions for crap. A 4GB card or bigger will give you lots of problems. Maybe. It’s not worth it man, just get a 2GB card. They’re super cheap.
• Um, a Wii. Yes. You should have a Wii if you’re going to be hacking a Wii. Just sayin.

Over 1000 Words Later, We Begin

First, boot up your Wii and see what version the firmware is. Generally, you want to leave it alone. As a last resort, you may have to update the firmware to the most recent version, but keep in mind Nintendo does not want you to hack your Wii, and they work hard to keep it from working. Once you know your firmware version, you’ll know how to proceed. It’s super simple:

1. Click the Wii options button.
2. Click Wii Settings
3. Look in the upper right hand corner of the screen. There it is.
4. If that was confusing, someone made a video of what to do here. Go watch it, then come back.

Remember that number. Maybe write it down or something. Ok, the next step will be done on your computer. Grab your 2GB or smaller FAT formatted SD card, and put it into your card reader. Now head on over to http://bannerbomb.qoid.us/ and follow the appropriate link. You’ll end up downloading a zip file, extracting it to your SD card, and ending up with a folder called “private” on there, with stuff inside. That’s the magic, awesome thing I talked about earlier. That will basically load any program you put on the SD card named “boot.elf” — so lets put something useful on there, shall we?

There’s a really neat program called “HackMii” that installs 3 very useful things onto your Wii. It installs:

1. BootMii, which yes, is a cheesy name, but it replaces the boot code on your Wii or something, and allows you to back up system bits, etc.
2. DVDx — this allows your Wii to play video DVDs. Because really, why doesn’t it do that anyway?
3. HBC — this is the “Homebrew Channel” I keep talking about, home of all things mystical and wonderful.

It will install these things directly off the Internet for you, so you’ll have the latest version. Pretty cool, eh? Go here to download it (as of this writing, it’s version 0.6 or something): http://bootmii.org/download.

So you download that program, unzip it, and copy the boot.elf file to the root (top) directory of your SD card. So you should have 2 things on that now, the folder called “private” (with stuff in it), and a file called “boot.elf” — if you do, you’re ready to actually hack. SWEET.

Hack It Like a Gibson!

If you thought that scene from Hackers was even remotely realistic, you’re not allowed on my blog anymore. Go away.

Good, you’re still here. Ok, basically you now follow the directions from the bannerbomb site to load the boot.elf file. The directions are slightly different depending on what version of firmware you have. It’s not hard. Go back and read the site. Basically you either go to “Data Management”, and “Channels”, and “SD Card” if you have a pre-4.2 firmware. Otherwise, if you have 4.2, you click on the SD card on the main Wii screen. There, I did the work for you.

You should get a message like “Do you want to load boot.dol?” and you say yes. Even if you would rather eat an ice cream sundae, you still click yes. Or load. Or continue. I don’t remember what the affirmation dialog is, but look, you got this far, you want to load the program. So just do it.

Now you’re going to do 3 things. You’re going to install BootMii, DVDx, and The Homebrew Channel. It’s pretty straightforward. Really. You just install them. If you don’t want to install BootMii, that’s fine. I’m pretty sure you can just install the Homebrew Channel and DVDx. The thing about BootMii is that it allows you to back up your NAND, and possibly unbrick your bricked Wii if you brick it. Not that you will. But you know, just in case. You can also use this method to uninstall these 3 programs if you get in trouble for messing with your sister’s Wii later on.

What? It’s too hard? You’re confused? Well, it turns out the folks over at LifeHacker love you more than I do, and they made a (slightly outdated but still useful) tutorial, and they even included pictures. It’s right here. You can go over there to get that part done if you like. If you don’t like pictures, or Lifehacker filed a restraining order against you, there’s a different article over on wikidot. It has fewer pictures, but it’s just as good. Then come back, because I have more goodies to teach you. Things Lifehacker doesn’t cover.

OK, My Wii is Hacked. Am I Cool Now?

I have no idea. If your self esteem and cool factor is based on the current state of your Wii — it’s likely you’re not cool, and no amount of hacking will help. But your Wii? Yeah, your Wii is pretty cool. Let’s make it awesometastic.

To be clear, you could install some homebrew apps now, and brag you have a hacked Wii. Because you do. The problem is, you have sort of a sucky hacked Wii. The biggest thing you need to do is install IOS249. What is IOS249 you ask? I have no friggen clue. I don’t really care either. It’s something you need in order to let your Wii access things like USB drives. (You might also need IOS222/223, but I’ll touch on that later)

One of the really pain in the butt things, is that Nintendo doesn’t want you to do things like this. So they make it really hard. Thankfully, people smarter than me have outlined it really well. Read the awesome article entitled, “IOS249 – How To Get Started, Even If You’re Really Dumb.” Told ya it was a good article…

This Is Starting To Suck, Are We Done Yet?

Almost. You might have noticed the link on the bottom of that last article that talked about a HERMES IOS222/223 thing. You probably want to install that too. Why? Well, because it will allow your Wii to read a wider variety of USB drives, and give you more possibilities when things don’t go right. And really, you want to get this over with, don’t you?

If you missed that link, it’s right here. Yes, you’re absolutely right, you didn’t need my blog entry at all. You could have just googled all this on your own. But you didn’t. What does that say about you? Well, based on how long I had to google to come up with the right directions, it says you’re smarter than me. Your punishment for being smarter is listening to me monologue like this. It could be worse, I could have made a video and made you listen to me sing.

OK, now you’re cool. Let’s play games and stuff.

By now, you probably understand that in order to install stuff in your Homebrew Channel, you make a folder inside the /apps folder on the SD card, and then put the program in there, and name it boot.dol. Let me suggest a few programs to get you going:

• Homebrew Browser — This is a neat program that allows you to install, upgrade, and uninstall a wide variety of applications right from your Wii. No more moving the SD card over to your computer. Sadly, it doesn’t have every program, but it does have a lot.
• Mplayer_CE — this is an awesome video player. It plays pretty much everything, including files on remote Windows or SMB shares. You’ll need to configure the config file on the SD card after installing if you want to play from network shares, but it’s pretty easy. It’s available in the Homebrew Browser, but as a warning — I had to use version .75, as the current version (as of this writing) is .76, and it wouldn’t load. You can download older version from their website if needed.
• USB Loader GX — There are other USB loaders, but this is my favorite. It will download cover art for you, rip DVDs for you, and allow you to tweak stuff if games (Wii Sports Resort…) don’t work right.

See? That wasn’t bad. You have a totally hacked Wii. You are awesome. You can brag. BUT… If you want to be SUPER cool, you can install forwarders for a few of the programs you access often (like USB Loader GX).

Forwarders, For People That Are Too Cool To Click Homebrew First

This is another thing I don’t totally understand, but it’s not hard to use. Install the WAD Manager. Apparently “WADs” are the things that appear on the main Wii screen. I don’t know. I don’t really care. When you install the WAD Manager, you are able to install WAD files. Go figure. On that website for USB Loader GX, they have a forwarder WAD to download. You basically install it with the WAD Manager, and it magically appears on the main screen. TADA! It’s really simple. The big thing is finding the forwarder for the program you want to add to the main screen. (Forwarders come as WAD files… are you still with me?)

Here is a link to the USB Loader GX forwarder. Read that page. If you don’t understand the difference between installing a forwarder or installing a channel, don’t worry. I don’t either. Just install the forwarder, it works well.

Here is the info on the forwarder for Mplayer CE that I use. Unfortunately, I had to sign up for the forum in able to get access to the download links. That really ticked me off. If you want to use this forwarder, but don’t want to sign up — here is a direct link to the file. You’re welcome.

I Don’t Care If I’m Cool Anymore, Am I Done?

Yeah. That’s pretty much it. You’ll probably want to tweak the config file for Mplayer CE to point it to your windows shares for playing network videos. You might also want to install the Internet Channel on your Wii, and then install PlayOn on your Windows machine so you can watch Netflix streaming — but that doesn’t require any hacking, it’s just pretty cool. You probably also want to download a WBFS program so you can manage games you illegally downloaded and put them on your external USB drive so you can load them with USB Loader GX. And if you’re not a pirate, you probably want to attach an empty USB drive so you can rip your legally owned games onto your hard drive. USB Loader GX does that for you, and it’s pretty sweet.

If you have any questions, just leave a comment. I’ll try to answer. Really though, I’ll probably just make you google your questions — because that’s all I’ll do. I’m not really that smart, I just have good googling skills. You should too. This is 2010 man, you should be able to search on the Internet. And now? GO PLAY A GAME!

NOTE: There are probably typos that I’ll fix later. I have to go to work, and y’all wanted me to post this, so consider this post a Release Candidate. Also, standard disclaimer about ruining your Wii, your life, etc. I’m not responsible. I think you should sell your Wii and become Amish. That’s my recommendation.

• Our community is pretty conservative, so graphic alien on alien action is likely a deal breaker.
• Please don’t recommend a book that is in the middle of a series. Recommend the whole series. Seriously, my OCD can’t handle that nonsense.
• Newer authors are encouraged. The classics are certainly not to be left out, but really — we want to introduce kids to new authors as well.
• I think that’s it!

So please, leave your thoughts in the comments. Also, if you know anyone that would have an opinion on the issue, please pass a link along. I’m really hoping to get a good list together for her. Thank you!

* I’ve had this notion that I couldn’t write fiction. It seemed somehow “different” than writing non-fiction or journalism stuff. See, with fiction you need a plot, a storyline, characters, climaxes (that word still makes me giggle, sorry), and resolutions. It’s so easy to worry about telling a good story that you never end up telling a story at all. Here’s the skinny: If you tell a good story, it has all those things. Yes, you can tweak, improve, modify, learn — but really, if you just tell a story, the elements fall into place. Because that’s what a good story is.

* I spent all of NaNoWriMo 2008 fumbling over point of view. Really. It’s sad. I never got to telling a story because I was worried about who was telling the story, what they knew, what parts of speech they used, and if the reader was omniscient or not. See? Insanity.

* Everyone says it, but I’ll reiterate. Because it’s good advice: JUST WRITE. It’s OK to suck. Vacuums do. Black holes do. Tornadoes do. Heck, even mosquitoes do a little bit. The point is, just write. Take this blog post: It’s not great. But hey, that’s not stopping me from clicking publish. MWaahahahahahhaaaa.

My point is, find your voice. Your voice is what makes you distinct. Wanna be a writer? Write. Now.

Cat photo by dolorix

I think a cat tongue would be really great for eating ice cream.

I like gummy bears.

(This post has been brought to you by the “adjusting to new medication society”)

I think a large part of my migraines might be due to stress. I have an abnormal amount in my life, even for me. So I’m up for ideas. Please, if your answer is “exercise”, be more specific. (Again, not that, sheesh keep your mind out of the gutter!)

Thanks in advance.

By the end of break, I had hoped we’d be moved over to a SAN based storage system, and that LTSP5 would be working on our really old hardware. That, sadly, didn’t happen. Even worse is that when I went home on Saturday my head was aching, and it turned into a knock down, drag out migraine that is still pounding quite severely. But the show must go on.

So here I am, at work with a pounding headache. It’s 11:30PM on Sunday night, but it needs to be done. Also for the record, 2010 sucks so far.

You can’t make this stuff up, I found this post in my “Drafts” section of WordPress’ dashboard. Dated August 10th. I think posting it like this is actually better than finishing my original thoughts on the matter, which I assure you were profound.

Why yes, I did start this post about a week ago and I’m just getting around to posting it.

Here’s the deal:

UPDATE:

I am an information addict. The Internet is my crack, and the LCD monitor is like my crack pipe. (Or heroin and syringe if you prefer, or meth and… well, I don’t know how one “does” meth, but you get the idea)

At work, I have (3) 22+ inch monitors set up like a central command for post-apocalyptic warfare. Or efficient multitasking across 3 operating systems. (The latter is accurate, the former sounds cooler) Even with this trifecta of digital information conveyance, I find myself trying to mount a 4th monitor which will strictly be a fullscreen Google Calendar. I find that with so much screen real estate, it’s easy to overlook a small blinking reminder. With Google Calendar, there is a nice “current time” line that continually moves as the day progresses. I think I’d be more likely to take advantage of my schedule if I actually saw it on a more consistent basis.

So there’s my question: How many monitors are too many? Or is that like asking how much money is too much money?

Basically, I’m extending a wall from our walk-thru closet about 3 feet into our living room. Then I’ll be chopping the expanded closet into a small closet and my office. This only gives me about 49 square feet of room (7×7) for an office, but I think it will be sufficient. Basically I’ll have my own cubical at home.

I think it will be fairly easy as far as renovations go, and since I’m a total n00b with such things — it’s probably a good project to start with. PLUS, I’ll be able to click and type more efficiently, because I’ll have an office space of my own. I’m *very* excited, and will try to take photos of my progress. Feel free to laugh at me along the way.

I Believe Anti-Lock Brakes Stop on Ice Better Than Humans

Back in my last rant, I pointed out that it seems as though anti-lock brakes do a worse job of stopping than I can do with my human brain and soft pedal touch. Ryder argued that studies have been done (I didn’t bother checking, but let’s assume it’s true) proving anti-lock brakes stop on ice significantly better than any human can manage. For the sake of argument, I’ll agree. But that’s not actually what I hate about anti-lock brakes.

I Believe Anti-Lock Brakes Treat Drivers Like Idiots

And you know what? Many drivers are idiots, so perhaps this is a good thing. I just want the option to turn them off. The thing that really irks me, is “stopping” isn’t always the best course of action in a slippery situation. Anti-lock brakes take away any options a smart, quick thinking driver might utilize. Want to ditch the car? Good luck, a tap on the brakes will take away any maneuvering abilities you may have had. Want to powerslide to point your car in the “least likely to kill anyone” position as you slide past a stop sign? Again, no chance because your brake pedal has grown a mind of its own.

So there it is. I think anti-lock brakes are great for people that need them. I think anti-lock brakes are great for people who aren’t sure if they need them, because they probably do. Heck, I’m SO GLAD anti-lock brakes are in the vehicles of people that slam on the brakes and scream when they approach a stoplight on icy roads.

But honestly, I think I’m a better driver than the computer that pumps the brakes eleventy hundred times a second. Sure, it can stop in a straight line stop on bare ice faster than I can — but there’s more to driving than pumping the brakes, and I think my foot has the upper hand.

Anyway, in no particular order, here’s what I hope to do in 2010:

1) Finish the project I’m horribly behind on.

Unfortunately, it’s a time sensitive project, and the time has long since passed the sensitive zone. The people I’m working with on this project are incredibly wonderful to work with, and beyond understanding when it comes to my crazy schedule — but I gotta be honest, they deserve better. I’d like to get this particular resolution done in January.

2) Learn to use a Linux video editor.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a zealot when it comes to Linux. I’m really not. Here’s the deal though, I’d really like to make the videos I do for Linux Journal on a Linux machine. It just seems like the right thing to do. My lack of motivation for switching has been because I can already edit video really efficiently on OSX, and it took me a long time to learn Final Cut. Still, I’d like to use Linux as my primary system, so this is a goal. (Kris Occhipinti has been a huge motivation on this front. Thanks Kris.)

3) Change the way I eat.

Note: This is not a, “Lose Weight” resolution. This is an, “Eat Better” resolution. There are two major problems with my current eating lifestyle: Quantity & Quality. Once I finish resolution #1, hopefully I can take some of that time to actually cook food. I still eat at restaurants way too often.

4) Exercise.

I’ll be honest, this is the least likely resolution I’ll be able to accomplish. Donna convinced me to go into the local gym every morning and work out with her for a month. Since I’ll have to pay for the membership, I’ll do my best to accomplish it. Perhaps walking on a treadmill next to Donna will make it less horrifying. Man, I really hate exercise…

5) Write a Book.

I don’t care if it’s a little all year, or a cram session in November (NaNoWriMo), I really want to write a book. I’m not sure if I’ll start with fiction or technology — but I must write a book. Really.

So that’s it. It’s a lot, but I purposefully didn’t put anything on there I don’t think I can accomplish. If all you’re lacking for your New Year’s Resolutions is the commitment to make them, feel free to do so in the comment section. If you slip up, we’ll know. Well, ok, only if you tell us. But still, feel free to commit below.

Happy New Year’s!!!!

There is one task I find especially enjoyable, however: Answering letters to the editor. I’m not entirely sure why I enjoy it so much, but for some reason, interacting with readers that take the time to write in to the staff really makes me proud to be part of something bigger than myself. It’s also interesting that while I answer a bunch of the letters, it’s not always me that does so. See, all the responses are signed simply “Ed”, meaning it comes from the editorial staff in general. Yes, it’s pretty humbling to represent everyone.

So if any of you were wondering what being one of the editors of an international magazine is like, well, it’s pretty cool. The best part, however, is simply responding to people. Because it’s the people that make a community, and it’s the community that makes my job so awesome.

-Ed

So this is a new doctor. No preconceived notions, no hidden agendas, no reason to treat me any way other than “textbook”. And textbook is what I want at this point.

1. I’m allergic to Triptan drugs. Those are the drugs like Imitrex, Maxalt, and the like. You know, migraine medicine. So yeah, that sucks.
2. I have no idea what triggers my migraines. Raw onions give me a headache, so I try hard to avoid them. Other than that, there seems to be no pattern to the triggers.
3. There is no 3. Really, I’m not that medically interesting for a 3. Apart from my car accident (click above if you don’t know what I’m talking about), I’m a normal bloke. Slightly overweight, slightly high blood pressure, and on an SSRI for some OCD issues I struggle with. That’s it.

The new doctor with a fresh pair of eyes thinks I’m full of crap.

Mind you, if it was a figurative “full of crap” I was referring to, I could write it off to me looking like a drug seeker or something. I dunno, maybe I’m too twitchy. Maybe the stress I’m under makes my eyes dart around in a “crazy heroine addict” sorta way. But no, when I say “full of crap”, I mean just that. The doctor suggested a colon cleansing.

Oh, I’m sorry. Does that make you uncomfortable? Yeah, well it didn’t really thrill me either. My colon is causing migraines? I actually looked for a smirk to see if he was kidding. But again, no.

So, because I’m a good patient, and because my health insurance won’t let me see a neurologist without a referral, I’ll be pooping like a goose for the next few weeks. We ordered “Oxy Cleanse” or some such supplement, and while I’m sure it will flush my colon, cleanse my aura, and purify my spirit — I’m rather doubtful it will help with my migraines.

You know, maybe the doctor was hard of hearing, and thought I was suffering from chronic hemorrhoids. At least that would make more sense.

Mobile post sent by trunkboy using Utterli.  Replies.  mp3 ]]> http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/10/31/hey-its-like-typing-without-the-letters-4/feed/ 1 http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/10/27/this-sort-of-thing-is-new-for-me/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=this-sort-of-thing-is-new-for-me http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/10/27/this-sort-of-thing-is-new-for-me/#comments Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:33:42 +0000 Shawn Powers http://www.brainofshawn.com/?p=1353 Yes, I realize it’s silly. Yes, I realize it’s cheesy. But still, for some reason being in an ad is full of awesome.

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

First off, you should know about my accident. Reminiscing about childhood memories is much less significant unless you have acute amnesia. That said, even with amnesia (yes, it still sounds to me like something out of Jerry Springer too), Google Street View shouldn’t really have such an effect on me 10+ years after my accident. Yet, here I sit all strange-ified.

Here is the house I grew up in. The odd part is that I remember the house. The even odder part is I only remember weird fragments from the house. I remember a bungie-corded milk crate attached to one of those posts in the front that we used as a basketball hoop. I remember that fire hydrant being illegally opened so the kids in the neighborhood could play in the water. But I don’t actually remember any of the people. I remember walking to this library, but I don’t remember the actual trip. I know kids used to hide their knives in these bushes before going into Munger Middle School so they didn’t set off the metal detectors. But I don’t remember going into the school. (Don’t get me wrong, I could probably take you to my locker — I just don’t remember ever opening it. SO WEIRD.)

So while this evening I’ve been walking around my old neighborhood with Google Street View, and remembering things like Stan’s Whip and Whirl, they’re all hollow memories. I wish I could explain it better, but it’s as if I’m remembering a setting with no characters.

And yes, it creeps me right friggen out. That library I linked earlier? I know where the good books are inside. I know the smell of the back room full of grown up books that only the nerdiest kids ever checked out. Sadly, it’s all an odd, empty, lifeless memory.

Except that back room. I think I could sit in the old leather chair and smell that book dust for hours. I might drive there just to smell that smell one more time.

Also, I apparently can only communicate in 140 character chunks.

Or soy beans.

Or John Scalzi

Or Buckeyes.

Or humidity.

Or the occasional pig farm.

Or John Scalzi’s Cat

Or maybe it’s just on your way to somewhere.

Whatever your reason, I’ll tell you why I’M going to Ohio:

And in the words of Levar Burton, don’t take my word for it — come see for yourself!!! It’s free, it’s nerdy, and it’s so cool even me being a keynote speaker can’t ruin it. See you there?

I dropped the class.

Then in 1994, when I was entering my second year at Michigan Tech, the adviser kindly reminded me I had to take speech class. I signed up, and went to the first few classes. Then, my first speech (something like a 3 minute thing) was coming up. I didn’t sleep. I got sick. I considered walking out into traffic just to avoid speaking in front of my peers.

I dropped the class.

I find it extremely ironic that much of my current livelihood involves public speaking. I think it’s even more bizarre that I love to speak in front of people now. It’s not that I don’t get nervous, I do, but really I enjoy speaking to a crowd. Whether it’s teaching youth group at church to 20 teenagers, presenting a technology proposal to a school board, or yammering on about Linux to a room full of fellow geeks — I really enjoy the thing that used to terrify me.

I have to constantly remind myself that most people dislike speaking in front of a crowd. Many people are terrified of it. Some people even get as worked up as I did in college, and would rather get struck by lightning than to simply announce “it’s time to eat” to a crowd of people. It’s easy to forget how real the fear is for others.

Oh, and for the record? That’s how I feel about dancing.

Personally I like the firework looking one.

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

Mobile post sent by trunkboy using Utterli.  Replies. ]]> http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/27/fine-im-not-kanoodling/feed/ 4 http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/27/getting-ready-to-kanoodle-my-servers/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=getting-ready-to-kanoodle-my-servers http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/27/getting-ready-to-kanoodle-my-servers/#comments Mon, 27 Jul 2009 17:37:04 +0000 Shawn Powers http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/27/getting-ready-to-kanoodle-my-servers/

I’m not even sure if "kanoodle" is a word, but at the very least I’m futzing with them.

Mobile post sent by trunkboy using Utterli.  Replies. ]]> http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/27/getting-ready-to-kanoodle-my-servers/feed/ 3 http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/03/washing-out-your-brai/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=washing-out-your-brai http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/07/03/washing-out-your-brai/#comments Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:19:30 +0000 Shawn Powers http://www.brainofshawn.com/?p=1301 Have you ever heard of “Neti Pots” ? Apparently Oprah told the world how awesome they are, and now doctors are recommending them. Last week when I went to urgent care about a headache, sure enough the guy suggested I use a “Neti Pot” type thing. Actually, he suggested the Binford 2000 variety that uses a squeeze bottle, but the concept is the same.

Squirt salt water up one nostril, let it circulate in your cranium, and then drain out the other side.

It’s one of the strangest pseudo-medical things I’ve ever done. It feels about as exciting as it sounds. I don’t think it does anything useful, but there are a few interesting side effects:

1. You can feel your sinuses fill with water. It’s a little like getting a snoot full of pool water on accident, but without the chlorine
2. If your nose is slightly stuffy, the pressure induced by the squeeze bottle will do many interesting things to your eyes and ears. Namely, make them uncomfortable.
3. You look and feel like a complete idiot, and the logic of sinus squirting rivals that of snipe hunting. Apparently it’s a real thing though. I guess.
4. The most interesting side effect however, is that minutes, hours, or even days later, a gush of trapped water will work its way out and and effectively spew soggy nose goblins all over the table/computer/dinnerplate/date you are sitting near. You will have no warning, and no chance of stopping the flow.

Thanks a ton, Oprah.

Once upon a time, I did a 30 day experiment in which I woke up at 5:00 AM every day. It was horrifying, but I figured if at the end I liked being a morning person, it would be worthwhile. As it turns out I don’t like being a morning person, so that plan sorta fizzled. I still consider it a success though, because now I know sleeping later isn’t just a bad habit.

I’m considering doing the same thing with scheduling. See, I’m convinced that I’m all artsy-fartsy, and I work better without a schedule. There is a distinct possibility, however, that I’m just fooling myself. Maybe if I learned to be better organized, I’d be even MORE creative. Sounds cool, eh?

I’m going to spend the rest of this week figuring out just how to schedule things. I think I’ll need to use Google Calendar, since I already have lots of stuff in there, including shared calendars with my co-workers. If I can get my iPhone to reliably give me notifications, it might work. But I’ll hate it, I know I will.

So I have a few questions for you uber-organized folks out there:

1. Do you schedule “free” time?
2. If you get behind, how do you fix it?
3. Are todo lists helpful, or should everything just be scheduled into timeslots?
4. Should I print out my daily schedule, or does digital-only seem practical?

Thanks for any feedback. Again, this is an experiment, so at the end of 30 days I’m allowed to quit if I so desire. (And no, I don’t know what the official start date will be yet.)

I don’t want to post a screenshot, because the ad is still running through this Thursday. It’s so much better to see it in its native environment. If you go to www.linuxjournal.com, and hit refresh a few times, you should see it. You absolutely can’t miss it.

If you can’t seem to get it to appear, after Thursday I’ll post a screenshot — but really it’s hilarious. I hope you get to see it.

Yeah, it made my topic that much more interesting, no? This was supposed to be an audio post remotely from my cellphone.

Perhaps it’s Mogwai that were fed after midnight.

The load time is so frustrating, I find myself using Twitter more often than blogging. Anyway, I’ll figure it out eventually. I’ll either switch platforms, switch providers, or maybe just switch themes.

Grrrrr.

Actually, being egged might be fun… ANYWAY, here’s my schedule:

May 1, 2009 10:00 pm
“Lightning Talks”
Featuring: Jorge Castro, Bill Childers, Jim Hall, Shawn Powers, Kyle Rankin, Catherine Devlin

May 2, 2009 1:00 pm
“Atari Competition”
Featuring: John Scalzi, Wil Wheaton, Shawn Powers
Atari competition for charity. Shawn Powers of Linux Journal & Wil Wheaton of Teh Internets & TV duel old-school style, with John Scalzi as the Master of Ceremonies. Watch while they beat each other senseless with Atari consoles. Hold on… Oh, that’s not… I’m told that they’ll actually be playing Atari console games against each other, which should result in a lot less blood.

May 2, 2009 6:00 pm
“Death of Retro Gaming”
Featuring: Wil Wheaton, Shawn Powers, Craig Maloney, Jeff Hanson
In the 70s, 80s, and 90s, arcades and old video game consoles like Atari were selling like hot cakes. What happened to this style of gaming? Are movies like King of Kong bringing the franchise back? This panel will discuss that and give newer game examples with the classic feel for the legacy gamer.

May 2, 2009 8:00 pm – 10:00 pm
“Taking Over the World with Penguins and Free Beer”
Featuring: Shawn Powers (with Bill Childers and Kyle Rankin for Q&A)
I’ll start with a talk about some of the problems we’ve had as a Linux community with really getting our operating system in the hearts and hands of desktop users. I’ll give a short history, describe some present problems, propose some ideas, and discuss some of the things I’ve learned as a journalist and sysadmin regarding the introduction of people to Linux. After my presentation, time for Q&A!

This evening, due to my inability to put my dirty clothes in the hamper, I have no clean underwear. I recently got out of the shower, and realized my situation too late to do much about it. So I grabbed a pair of boxer shorts and put them on. I really don’t like boxer shorts. So let’s talk about my misery a bit, OK?

• Boxer shorts are not underwear. You can feel free to disagree with me, but sadly you’re wrong. (Hey, lay off, it’s my blog) Look at their name: “Boxer shorts“. They’re shorts. The only reason they’ve become synonymous with underwear is so many people wear them as such. It’s much easier to say, “I prefer boxers”, than to admit, “I actually don’t wear any underwear — but don’t worry I always wear a pair of shorts under my pants so if my zipper falls down you don’t need to call the cops”. See, the latter just doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily.
• Before you start bragging about how great your boxer shorts are, take into account the real reason I think some of us prefer actual underwear. You ever been fishing? If you fish for little fish, like perch for instance, when you catch one you simply pull it out of the water dangling from your fishing line. It works great. If you go salmon fishing, however, you need a net to pull those big suckers in. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.
• I think boxers are more popular with people in their 20s because they weren’t alive in the time period that tight jeans were “in.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that wearing boxers while wearing tight jeans is an easy way pinch things off. I’m just saying.
• It’s true there are lots of cool boxer shorts to be found. Cartoons characters, funny quips, strange designs, etc. Sadly, the days of awesome themed underwear are largely over for those of us that wear briefs. Back in the day, we could wear Underoos — but unfortunately I can’t find Superman undies in my size anymore. And yes, I’d probably wear them if I could. Shut up, you would too.
• I realize some doctors recommend boxers for men that are having a hard time conceiving children. I say get a new doctor. Sorry guys, see above mentions of pinching things off. Sometimes you gotta get a second opinion.
• Bikini things are not the same as briefs. Look, no one wants to see you in those. And if you’re an underwear model or something, and the ladiez really do want to see you in something that resembles a tiger-striped Speedo, chances are you’re not reading my blog anyway. One thing is for sure, none of the guys at the gym want to see you wearing that crap, so save it for jungle night at home or something. (And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t blog about it. Please.)
• The flies in tighty-whiteys: No one actually threads their thing through that ridiculous maze of fabric in order to save the time it takes to pull down the front. Sorry of that steals the magic away for some of you, but it’s true. They are not functional as a weenie escape route, and even if you go through the trouble of doing so, let’s just say garden hoses aren’t the only things that kink.
• So why are there double layers of cotton on the front of tighty-whiteys if you can’t use them for.. “that”? Ok, you asked. That dual layered front is for absorbency. Eiw right? Well, there is an unwritten law that says “Thou shall shake the drips off with 2 shakes only. Thou shall not shake more than twice. I meanest it, thou shall not. Three shakes is not OK, thou knowest it to be true…” So if the two shakes doesn’t sufficiently do the job, the two cotton layers are there to protect you from pee dots. Yeah, so what happens to your boxer friends after an unsuccessful double shake? Well lets just say they don’t have a double thick layer of cotton. Double Eiw.

And I think that will sufficiently gross enough people out to make up for my suffering in boxers this evening. I feel better. How about you?

Unfortunately insomnia really isn’t as cool as just “never getting tired.” See, here it is almost midnight and I’m so absurdly tired that I have to concentrate on every word to make sure it makes sense. Dirt puddle fluffy leg McDoogle dryer. (hehehe, see what I did there…)

I figured I’d take this opportunity to dispel a few misconceptions about what it means to have insomnia. Yes, it means you can’t sleep, but there’s more to it than that:

• Insomnia means you’re tired but can’t sleep. It doesn’t mean you’re not tired so you don’t sleep.
• While some methods of curing (or at least remedying) sleeplessness work for some people, for others they don’t. My examples will be for my case, obviously.
• Reading (again for me) doesn’t work, because I’m too tired to concentrate, so the book doesn’t soak in. It’s basically like reading strings of pointless words. That gets boring pretty quick
• Counting sheep. Please. I could barely force myself to count sheep if I actually had sheep I was responsible to keep track of.
• Over the counter drugs for sleep aid generally do make me go to sleep, but only in short, freakishly strange bouts of dreams. I get out of bed in the morning not only still tired, but as if I just lived through a season of the X-Files
• Work. Sounds good right? Can’t sleep, just do some work. The problem is that my brain is silly putty, remember? Trust me you don’t want me configuring servers OR writing for a magazine in this state. You think I’m bizarre on a good day, just imagine “loopy” Shawn. It sounds better on paper, trust me.

To add insult to injury, in order to actually function the following day I usually need to caffeinate myself. I’m sure you see the problem that likely causes and the vicious circle I find myself in.

So as midnight looms and I’ve already tried for hours to sleep — I now go into the mode that I try relaxation techniques and such. If things go like they have been, about 4:30 I’ll start debating whether trying to go to bed will be worse than just staying up. 4:30 is about my “point of no return” time. About then I consider making coffee.

Sweet dreams everyone.

Apart from doctor prescribed drugs, anyone have any good tips on curing insomnia? I’m all ears…

NOTE: I have no idea who to credit for making this video. The “transcription” is hilarious, and I’d give credit if I knew who was the maker. I originally got it here, and perhaps that is the creator’s website.

The first is simple to use, but slow as crap. In the author’s defense, it’s just a proof of concept. But it works. It’s written in Python, and has both the python script (which requires some additional libraries in Linux) and a windows version that is all built into a package.

This site has links to both versions, along with some instructions. It seems to be able to keep up with the traffic it’s getting, whereas some other sites are getting crumbled as admins scramble to sniff their networks.

The second method uses a brand spanking new version of NMAP to do the detecting. The advantage is it’s much quicker at scanning larger networks. The disadvantage is it requires a bit of commandline fu. Fear not, it’s as easy as copy/paste.

First, get the version for your operating system. NOTE: You MUST get nmap-4.85BETA5 because earlier versions won’t scan for Conficker.

Once you install nmap, you’ll want to run the command:

nmap -PN -d -p445 –script=smb-check-vulns –script-args=safe=1 [network_range]

Where [network_range] is something like 10.10.5.1-255 or even 10.10.0.0/16.

You’ll need to look through the results for information like:

Host script results:
| smb-check-vulns:
| MS08-067: FIXED
| Conficker: Likely INFECTED
|_ regsvc DoS: VULNERABLE

And then fix/patch those hosts. I’d suggest sending the results to a text file, and grepping for the word VULNERABLE or INFECTED — but those types of instructions are beyond the scope of this quick hack of a post.

Mobile post sent by trunkboy using Utterli.  Replies. ]]> http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/03/28/great-dane-songs/feed/ 1 http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/03/25/the-economy-is-fixed/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-economy-is-fixed http://www.brainofshawn.com/2009/03/25/the-economy-is-fixed/#comments Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:37:40 +0000 Shawn Powers http://www.brainofshawn.com/?p=1219 No really, it’s finally fixed. CNN reports the stock market is headed upwards on a steady rise to its previous highs. The stimulus package has taken hold, and jobs are being created. The Midwest alone has seen a 4% decrease in unemployment, and more jobs are being created every day.

White House corespondent Julie Swarnok reports, “Now is the time to invest. Now is the time to spend. The economy is finally fixed, and while it will build slowly, it will build.”

What does this mean for the every day Joe (not Joe the Plumber, oy)? Well it means it’s time to either hire people, or to get a job yourself. Big business? It’s time to spend money. Big tech businesses? It’s time to sponsor bloggers and podcasters. Lucrative investments now will cement your brand in the hearts and minds of the very crowd that is beginning to spend again.

I happen to know a blogger/podcaster that would be interested.

So there you have it. The economy is fixed. Go tell it on the mountain. Go buy something. Go hire someone. And while you’re at it, make me a sandwich.

1) I am not the one that locked the keys in the car. I think that’s important to note. So, noted.

2) Our van is a 2007 Caravan, and doesn’t lend itself to jamming a coat hanger anywhere. Well, not with any actual hopes of doing anything useful.

3) I used the piece of plastic (a cheap cutting board) to jam in between the door and the car. The baffles that prohibit stuff getting jammed in there are pretty easily (read: hour of jamming and wedging) fooled by a piece of stiff yet flexible plastic.

4) Once I had the plastic half in and half out, I poked a hole in the plastic and set a snare with the string.

5) Using physics to both bend the plastic so it would properly lasso the lock mechanism, and gravity to aid in the targeting system, I looped a slip knot around the lock and snugged it up.

6) I shimmied the string up the plastic sheet and then tugged to unlock the door.

7) The theft deterrent system immediately honked my victory to the neighborhood.

For those of you that are visual learners, here’s a reenactment of the whole thing:

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

(It’s a 2007 Caravan too, which makes me even more impressed with myself…)

You have to watch videos to find the clues, but they’re short videos, so it shouldn’t be too painful. Here I’ll even give you links to each video. See, now it’s like three gifts in one. I just give and give…

Video 1 (the video includes instructions on what to do)
Video 2
Video 3
Video 4
Video 5 — this is just me telling you how to claim your prize.

The contest is for TODAY ONLY!!!! So don’t delay, or it’s like getting zero gifts.

UPDATE: I’m giving out clues over here. Just FYI.

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

Posted by shawnp0wers on Natuba

I get about 10 calls a day telling me how they want to relieve my overly-big mortgage payment. 10 calls. 8-9 of those calls are scams (Michigan is getting hammered with stimulus scams), and the others seem like desperate mortgage brokers trying hard to pay their own bills by refinancing anyone they can.

If I’m paying for this stimulus package, along with my kids and grandkids in the future, it only seems fair that I look to see if I am eligible for monies from it, no? Anyone know the proper way to find information?

Signed,
Big Bills McGrudy

UPDATE: Yeah, so I don’t qualify for anything. Figures.

As a career, I’ve always wanted to do one of three things:

• Be a writer
• Be a radio DJ
• or own a coffee shop

My career is related to none of those. Sadly. Rather than live a life of disappointment, however, I’ve try to never forget my dreams and aspirations. As far as the first point goes, writing for Linux Journal has certainly scratched that itch a bit. THIS blog, however, really does allow me to express myself in any way I see fit. Since it’s just my personal space, and not a topic specific blog — I can write about anything I so desire. It’s actually pretty nice.

As far as being a DJ, well, you’ve all seen my attempts to fill that void. Videos, podcasts, etc. I’m actually cooking up the idea for a regular podcast over at Linux Journal, and I have some pretty good audio equipment. Every time I perform either live or recorded, it just feels good. Perhaps it’s narcissism. Perhaps it’s conceit. Or maybe I just like to entertain others. I’m hoping for the latter.

And lastly, a coffee shop. So far all I’ve managed to do in that venue is drink a lot of coffee. I still haven’t given up the dream, but the actual coffee shop itself might have to wait until I retire. When I’m 92.

What about you? Do you have any silly aspirations that you keep pushing back into your subconscious because it’s not practical? Do you have an itch that needs to be scratched? Are you living your dream? Inquiring minds want to know.

See you on the flip side!

Here’s my problem: After my car accident, I don’t really recall all the music that I used to. I know of many artists, but my knowledge is usually responsive rather than something I can call up at will. (ie, I hear a song and I recognize it, but I’d never think of it before hearing it first)

I’m hoping those that read my blog can help with directing me to songs I might like. Please don’t hesitate to suggest something. My likes are widely varied, and change from day to day. The kind of music I really want to rediscover would be music that:

• Shows off really good vocals
• Showcases unique vocal talents, a voice that is easily identifiable.
• I prefer lighter instruments. If it’s not terribly clear, I’m big on vocals.
• Art trumps perfection. The reason Miles Davis was so great was that he was perfect at his imperfections. The way he would fall off a note at the perfect time would add character not attainable with mere musical perfection. You can feel free to disagree, but that’s the kind of music I’m looking for. (Ironic I used an instrumental musician to showcase what I mean about vocals I really like — but a really good instrument counts too. Maybe it’s not just the human voice I like.)
• I really hope for specific song suggestions. Norah Jones, for example, I find to be absolutely brilliant. I don’t *feel* all of her songs though. So please, be specific.

So what do you think? Do you have any suggestions? Here are some random artists I enjoy from time to time:

Norah Jones, Jane’s Addiction, Nirvana, 3rd Day, Barry Manilow, Randy Travis, The Carpenters, Elton John, REM. I know there are tons more, but sadly I just can’t recall all the good ones. Please help me.

Am I alone?

• If you forget to tip your waitress, you drive back to the restaurant and do so.
• If you take a sick day, you’d better be sick, and you’d better stay home. If you don’t, everyone will know.
• You don’t have to lock your car. If someone steals it, everyone else will know who did it.
• Police officers have a difficult time making friends, because if they showed favoritism to everyone they knew — no one would get speeding tickets.
• Everybody knows your business. Everybody.
• The only comfortable way to buy condoms, feminine products, or adult diapers is through the self checkout. Before that technology, it was either awkward or you drove to the next town.
• You buy groceries locally, even though it costs a bit more. Because you know the owners, and they are good and honest people.
• Everyone knows who gives the good candy at Halloween.
• If you run out of a prescription, the local pharmacist will give you a few pills while they wait for the doctor to call in the refill. Even if the prescription is outdated. UPDATE: I don’t mean any controlled substances here, strictly things like blood pressure meds.
• Fundraisers work. And you buy more candy, knick-knacks, and pizza kits than you’d ever need. Because it is benefiting the local school kids.
• Phrases like, “I’ll have the regular” really works at restaurants.
• School pride is a town-wide phenomenon.
• The librarian knows what sorts of books you enjoy, and will offer some useful advice on new reads.
• If your dog, cat, or child run away from home, someone will bring them back to you.
• If you get fired for doing something stupid — it’s hard to get another job, because everyone knows the stupid thing you did.
• Checking candy at Halloween is a lot less stressful. Sure, you still throw away the cupcakes from old weird Harriot, but not because they’re poisoned, rather because she’s really weird and put unwrapped cupcakes in your kid’s bags.
• People attend high school sporting events. Lots of people.
• If someone breaks down on the side of the road, you stop to help them. Even if it means you get dirty, are late to work/church/school, or aren’t dressed for the task.

That’s just off the top of my head. Feel free to add more.

The Beautiful Son of the King!
So lovely is the work of the beautiful Son of the King, the precious manchild of Revelation Chapter Twelve. He is a delight to see; and His works are heavenly works; for from Heaven He comes and to Heaven, He will soon return, and straight to the throne of our Saviour He will go. He is now over thirty-two months old and growing stronger and more full of the power, the strength and the light and fire of our Saviour every day.

January 21, 2009
Hearken unto Me, oh Blessed Daughter of Mine, and write as I say! For, I am your Father! I am your Saviour! I am most High God! King of Kings, Lord of Lords and Lords of the Universe!
Oh, Blessed Daughter of mine, as a line from My hands is made straight and without crooks or bends, so have I set My path in you! As a stream of My light goes forth and as it is straight, without crook, or bend, so have I made the course of My light in you!
And, as a mother hen so gathers her chicks, even one by one, and shelters them beneath her wings, so have I gathered you and others of My Faithful, to shelter you, and to nurture you for My great bounty, which I wish to bring forth in each of you!
As a golden egg of pure and radiant light is my will in each of My Faithful stewards, and it is now that My golden eggs of light in each of you are readying maturity. My golden eggs of light in each of My Faithful are nearing the time when such eggs will be harvested back to Me!
Such an egg of radiance, of joy, of hope, of completion, I have put into each of Mine and have so nurtured it, until it is ready to be harvested back to Me, with all of My purposes within each one having been accomplished, having been completed.
My Little One, you know and you understand well that I would have come on so many occasions. You have known of My imminent plans to come for My Faithful and on more than one occasion, this has been so! But on looking and on searching these very eggs, which I have put into My Faithful, I could not yet come! For, I have seen various stages of unreadiness and unripeness! And, on so seeing, I have lingered, in not only coming for you, but in coming for those, whom I wish to take to My throne when I take you!
For, on searching their hearts, I have found all manner of judging. I have found all manner of sin. I have found all manner of spiritual unreadiness; and the whole bride whom I wish to take and marry when I marry you and the manchild, I cannot take!
I warn you and I warn you now, that all over the world FEW ARE READY! FEW, my Little One, because few are sold out to Me! Few love Me above all! Few strive to be clean by the minute, by the hour and by the day; and grievous sins have crept into the lives of those, whom I wish to marry, such that if I were to come now for you and the manchild, few of My true bride would be ready! For, they will not come totally clean before Me! They will not love one another, even as I have commanded, but wish to set themselves up as judges, as holier-than-thou, and are full of all manner of worldly thoughts and desires.
I cannot and will not marry these, My Child! Be advised! Be warned! For, I will not continue to delay My coming for you and for the manchild, based upon whether anyone else is ready! Be advised, my Blessed Child, that this is the last delay, by which I will delay My coming for you and the manchild! This is My last delay and some of this delay is for reasons of your own prayers! For, even as you have sought Me to come and even as I have showed you that I would, your own prayers for others have caused compassion to stir up within my bowels on behalf of these, who are not ready to go into the light! And, I have been moved in compassion to delay yet again the timing of My coming for you and the manchild and for those, who will then also marry Me!
But, be advised, oh you backslidden and wayward bride of Mine! I will not continue to delay the rewards to My chosen daughter, the mother of Revelation Chapter Twelve, and the mother of My Spiritual Son of Revelation 12. For, to delay for love of you is to extend her own time of suffering beneath the feet of Satan and all of his hoards. And, I will not continue to add to the suffering of this one, My chosen daughter. For, she does suffer and has suffered exceedingly because she bears My spiritual Son, the little boy of Revelation Chapter Twelve, a beautiful gift for humanity, indeed, a glorious gift for My bride, wherein through the manchild, through my Spiritual Son, all will marry Me and become My Sons, the heirs to My throne!
In that you, oh My Bride, and have neither cared about it, nor have been concerned about it, is to your own undoing. For, be warned, oh you sleeping bride, and you bride of Mine, who stands in disarray: I shall surely come for My bride!
I have been sounding the alarm through the mouths of My prophets. They have heard ME tell of My intentions to come in months past. And, I have been ready! All in heaven is now prepared and ready and I am giving this one last shout! There shall be no other delay, past this one! I only delay now as My bowels of mercy and compassion have been moved to extend this time for a short time indeed! For, many of you, oh My Bride, stand on the brink of being ready! But, you are not ready!
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I WILL MARRY NO GOSSIP-MONGERS. NO PURVEYORS OF HATE OR MALICE, SAVE YOU REPENT IN DEEP SORROW AND SEEK MY FORGIVENESS FOR ALL.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO DO NOT LOVE OTHERS, EVEN TO LOVE YOUR ENEMIES, TO PRAY FOR THEM AND TO BLESS THEM.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO HAVE ANY SORT OF UNFORGIVENESS IN THEIR HEARTS.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHOSE BOWELS ARE NOT FULL OF LOVE AND COMPASSION TOWARD ALL.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO DO NOT HAVE MERCY AND COMPASSION TOWARD THE LOST, THE HURT AND THE SUFFERING.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO HAVE NOT SPENT LONG HOURS IN PRAYER BEFORE ME, NIGHT AND DAY, SEEKING ME TO JUDGE THEM, TO PURIFY THEIR SINS THROUGH FORGIVENESS AND TO MAKE THEM WHITE.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO LOVE THE WORLD AND WHAT IS IN IT.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO ARE ADDICITED TO TELEVISION, OR TO ANY OTHER WORLDLY THING!
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO LUST AFTER THE FLESH AND WHO LOVE THINGS OF THE FLESH.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO MAKE TELEVISION THEIR COUNSEL, AND WHO LOOK UPON VIOLENCE.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO BACKBITE, AND WHO MOCK AND SCORN MY TRUE WORKS AND WILL NOT REPENT.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO STAY UP LATE TO CHASE THINGS OF THE WORLD, AND WHO PUT ME LAST.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO LOVE THE WORLD AND WHAT IS IN IT! FOR, I DEMAND THAT YOU RENOUNCE THE WORLD AND ALL OF ITS EVIL MATTERS AND CONCERNS.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO LOOK UPON ANOTHER WITH EYES OF LUST, OR WHO COVETS, OR JEALOUSLY LONGS AFTER WHAT BELONGS TO ANOTHER.
I WILL MARRY NONE, WHO DO NOT PUT ME FIRST, KEEP ME FIRST AND LOVE ME ABOVE ALL, CHERISHING MY COMMANDMENTS AND OBEYING THEM ALL.
REPENT, OH, YOU BRIDE OF MINE! I WILL COME FOR A CLEAN BRIDE! AND, BE WARNED, THAT I COME VERY SOON AND BE WARNED ALSO THAT AT THIS TIME AND FROM MY VANTAGEPOINT, SAVE MANY OF YOU GET CLEAN AND QUICKLY SO, I WILL TAKE AT THIS TIME FEW INDEED! FOR, FEW INDEED YOU ARE, WHO HAVE MADE YOURSELVES CLEAN! BUT, EVEN SO, IT IS NOT FOR ANY LACK OF WARNINGS THAT I AM COMING FOR MY BRIDE! I HAVE WARNED YOU! AND, THE TIME OF MY TARRYING IS FAST COMING TO AN END.
I am your Father Yahweh, yea Jehovah, Most High God, Jesus, Saviour, King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
As witnessed, dictated and recorded this 21st day of January, 2009

Why yes, I am trying to rationalize drinking real coffee again. Thank you for asking.

They agreed to do an intro for one of my tech tips. I love the “woo” right before it switches to the actual tech tip.

Of course in these post-Palin days, I figure it’s just one of my Alaskan friends visiting. Still, seeing it makes me chuckle.

I would like some suggestions for exercise that is fun. Something that I might not consider exercise, but rather something fun to do.

No, not that. Sicko.

Here’s a bit about the requirements:

1. I don’t like being outside when it’s cold.

2. It’s always cold here.

3. I have no exercise machinery, nor do I plan to buy any.

4. I enjoy being lazy, but not wasting time. Yes, there is a difference.

5. The first one of you to suggest Richard Simmons videos will get such a pinch.

6. The closest racquetball court is a 40 minute drive, one way.

7. I can’t swim. Well, maybe if being pursued by a shark, but for the most part I don’t swim.

8. I’m the type of person they were targeting with those “electric zapping belt” products from a few years back. If I’d had disposable income at that point, I’d own one.

9. I have pretty severe asthma.

10. I really hate exercising. Really.

Ideas?

And bedtimes? We were the kids that stayed up until 3 AM on a school night. And quite frankly, if our aging bodies allowed it — we still would. Needless to say, we do not like mornings. Therefore, every morning we tend to scramble a bit. Sometimes our kids are even a minute or so late. Yes, I hate it too, but it happens.

The thing that baffles me is that some parents aren’t just forgetful and unorganized, they’re completely irresponsible. Basically, they don’t care if their kids have lunch or not. These are the kids with broken zippers on their jackets, no mittens, and bags under their eyes (as 6 year olds). I hate seeing kids like that. And no, it’s not a matter of money. There are coats, mittens, etc. available for those in need. And if your kid doesn’t have a good coat, you’d better swallow your pride and get one. But it’s not even pride, it’s just apathy. How depressing!

Whenever I get upset with my own shortcomings regarding child rearing, I always try to remember how rare caring parents are. At least in this area. There should be a license required for having children. Srsly.

We have lots of snow. The storm London just got is what we refer to “A Tuesday” around here. That’s not to make light of the situation across the giant pond — it’s just to say that I should be used to it. And have the tools to take care of it.

First of all I should give you a little backstory. I have a toolbox. I really do. It’s big and red and plastic. It contains screwdrivers, wire crimping tools, needle nosed pliers, and a couple really sweet cable testers. And one 3 inch crescent wrench. No, not one that has jaws capable of turning a 3 inch bolt — but rather the handle is 3 inches long. I think it’s made from plastic coated in tin foil.

Anyway, back to the snow. We have lots. So much in fact that our postal delivery lady no longer will attempt to get close enough to our mailbox to deliver our mail. Now, I do have a snowblower, but it is so old that using it require skills that I don’t really have. Here’s a rundown of me snowblowing our driveway:

1. Spend 45 minutes and a can of starting fluid trying to get the frozen machine running. (I also have no garage, so it sits in the snow all the time)

2. Sniff the ether all over my gloves, and forget half of step 3

3. Take the first swipe down the driveway, which hasn’t been shoveled, plowed, or snowblown in many weeks of storms.

4. At the end of the driveway, I’ve seen 12 purple elephants, spoken to a friendly dresser, and the snowblower has warmed up enough to stall.

5. I adjust the throttle and choke, never the same way twice, until it runs again.

6. Take another swipe.

7. Again, snowblower stalls. By this time all the ice has melted from the engine, so even though the choke no longer helps, I can get a screwdriver near the carburetor and adjust the screws. Which screws? I have no idea, whatever turns without falling out.

8. Again, the engine roars to life. The throttle an choke are now working enough that I can milk a few swipes now. Then, the engine gets hot.

9. The engine stalls in the middle of the road while I was turning around. The transmission is coated in ice now, and the lever to disengage the drive won’t work. Thankfully, not much traffic goes down my road, so I get out my screwdriver right there in the road.

10. I loosen a screw too much and it falls out. Gas leaks on my gloves (the ether has long since worn off), and I scramble in the road looking for and its little spring. Apparently at this point the snowblower just had to pee, because when I put the screw back in, I get another couple swipes out of the engine.

11. About the time I think 2 or 3 more swipes will really make the driveway look sharp, the engine quits for good. At the road. And I need to push it by hand up to the house again.

Now, I left out lots of goodies regarding half broken recoil handles, a leaky gas tank, and a finicky gear shifter (it’s a self propelled walk behind deal). The sad thing is, I’m fairly certain many guys could stop by, sniff the exhaust and tell me my canooter valve is loose. One quick turn with an actual wrench and life would be good.

But I’m not that guy.

I’m a little surprised at how things have turned out.

I miss the caffeine. I really do. For the life of me, however, I can’t figure out why I miss it. Perhaps it is a status symbol. I’m a computer guy, and consuming mass quantities of the precious molecule sorta goes with the territory. Also, Coke Zero doesn’t come in decaf — which totally sucks.

What surprises me is that I’m not tired in the morning like I used to be. Oh, I’m still tired because I’m not a morning person in general. But I’m not tired nearly as dreadfully when I was hooked on java. Also, I don’t get sleepy around 1:30PM like I did just a few weeks ago. In fact, I find myself being perhaps more jittery than I was when I drank 3-4 pots of coffee a day.

Maybe I’m using the wrong words. Maybe it’s not “jittery” and it’s just “energetic.” That could be it.

So while I still miss the coffee culture, and the caffeine “cool factor” — I guess at the end of the day I’m happier without it. How weird is that? Don’t answer. I already know.

I’d like to claim I did that on purpose, but in fact it was just legitimate irony. Oh well, such is life.