December 11, 2011
Title: “I’ve got this job for you…”
Verses: Matthew 1:18-25

(NOTE: The recording quality isn’t great on this, my apologies)

Thanksgiving Sermon
November 27, 2011
Title: Stuff
Verses: Luke 18:18-23

Like many artsy-fartsy folks, I struggle with clinical depression coupled with crippling anxiety. It might be cool if a creative person battling with inner torments and emotional pain was unique — but let’s face it, it’s so common it’s cliche. If I were like any other self-respecting starving artist, I’d man up and turn to drugs and alcohol. I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re supposed to do. Since I have a family, however, that oh-so-also-cliche option really isn’t on the table. So I opt for the other type of drug: The kind prescribed by a doctor.

Since I also struggle with migraines, and have a severe reaction to most drugs (See! I am super special!), it’s challenging to get a combination of drugs that treats both depression and headaches while not making me gain weight and have other *ahem* embarrassing side effects. BUT, since mid-summer, I’ve been on a combination that seems to be working! Yay!

My moods have been fairly steady. I’ve had very few fits of dark, ominous, soul-crushing depression. I’m still not comfortable in large groups of people, but I haven’t had any anxiety attacks. I haven’t lost weight, but I stopped gaining. Heck, even my insomnia has mostly disappeared. I’m more “normal” than I have been for years. What a happy ending, no? But…

I’m boring.

That’s not really a fair thing to say. I’m still me. I’m still the funny guy in most crowds. I’m still smart enough to solve most problems at work. I’m still weird enough that people aren’t quite sure how to take me. I’m still really good at Balderdash. The part of me that I most love, however, seems to be sleeping. I have no motivation to create. Anything. At. All. And that bothers me.

Can you remember the last time I made a silly video of myself? I can’t. Can you remember the last time I did a tech tip video for Linux Journal? I can’t. Heck, even blogging — I’ve averaged one post a month since July. One PER MONTH. Who does that?

It gets worse though. Since I’ve been on this “working” cocktail of medicine, I’ve missed every writing deadline I have. I’ve completely failed to produce web content when I’m supposed to. Heck, I’m in the middle of writing a review now that is so boring, reading it might kill people. My creativity is seemingly gone. And I miss the crap out of it.

So there is my conundrum. I could continue to take my crazy-people pills, and live a perfectly ordinary life. There are many advantages. Heck, I’m even budgeting now — surely a sign of the end times. I could likely exist like this for the rest of my life, and my family would be happy, comfortable, and not worried about me. But it would be just that… existing.

But what is the alternative? Depression? Anxiety? Suicidal thoughts? Pain? Misery? Is it worth facing those things for the chance to truly live? I dunno. I’m happy now, I guess. At least I’m not unhappy. I certainly don’t want to try switching drugs again. It’s been literally years of trying different combinations, and this is the closest to “normal” I’ve ever felt.

Anyway. Wish me luck. Maybe I’ll try a prescription of light therapy, treadmill, and meditation. Maybe I’ll do nothing, it’s hard to say. My blog has the subtitle “The Thinks I Think”, it’s never been more true.

2% Success, 110% Awesome

Since my wife Donna is a high school volleyball coach, Lydia gets to (or has to) sit through the older girl’s practice every day after school. Lydia has an incredible desire to play volleyball, but her very small frame works against her. In this photo you see her serving. Every day at practice she takes an empty net, and serves at least 50 balls. At the beginning of the season, the balls rarely made it to the net, much less make it over. It’s been a couple months, and due to her persistence, she now usually gets one or maybe two balls over the net every day.

For you math nuts, that means she only has a 2% success rate, or a 98% failure rate. For you coaches, athletes, parents, teachers, students and adults — it means she’s a girl that refuses to give up. Refuses.

Lydia, you inspire me. If Mom’s volleyball team was half as determined as you are, they’d be unbeatable. If I had a quarter of your motivation, I’d be running marathons by now. And if our political leaders had a tenth of your passion, our country would look a heck of a lot different. Lydia, you inspire me. Thank you for being so awesome.

Researchers at CERN, (yes THAT CERN) have discovered the speed of light is beginning to slow down. They fired a beam of light and some subatomic particles (neutrinos, arguably the most physically fit subatomic particles) into a particle accelerator, and a neutrino won the race. Light wasn’t even on the heels of the neutrino, and was lagging 60 billionths of a second behind!

Scientists are baffled at how our precious photons are getting so slow. Margaret Flanahan of Boston University posits, “We think it might be due to all the television watching that happens. As we sit on our couches and get fat while watching sitcoms, photons are exposed to the same life-draining drivel. I’m only surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.”

What seems like a minor mathematical error or fluctuation in space time is really a more serious problem than most people realize. If photons continue to pork out and slow down, light won’t be as reliable as we’re used to. Live reality TV will no longer be in real-time. Sunsets will happen later. Cats will be able to catch laser pointer lights with minimal effort. Truly, it’s the beginning of the end. Real life scientist Bob McFeebly thinks obesity is only the first problem. “What happens when our happy go lucky photons start to get depressed due to their obesity problem? As their mood darkens, so do we. Global cooling, food shortages, return of the ice age, and the bankruptcy of countless sunglasses factories. We’ve only seen the beginning, folks.”

Certainly a grim sign of what’s to come. Some folks are making the best of a bad situation, however, and nature photographers in Florida’s Lightning Belt are getting some prize photos. Snappy McSnapherson, a well known lightning photographer commented to our reporters, “It’s easier now than ever before! You just wait for the thunder, then point your camera in that direction. By the time the light gets there, you’re set up for an awesome shot!”

Former California governor, and known health advocate, James Rolph Jr. recommends a rehabilitation program for our overweight photons. “We just need to put photons on a regimen of diet and exercise.” Rolph recommends the following:

1. Use fewer batteries. Flashlights are way too bright nowadays. Back in my day we carried around a glowing coal ember, and it was plenty. Light is getting fat because we use too many batteries. Just take one battery out and replace it with a stack of pennies.
2. Swing around your flashlights. Make those photons get out and MOVE. Why I once had a dog named Old Chuckles, and he got fat from not moving around. We moved around a lot when I was a kid. My dad was in the Navy, and I had to switch schools at least 23 times a day. Days were shorter back then, and twice as hard. I miss my friend Cooter.

That was all we could get from Mr. Rolph, as he started babbling nonsense. Good advice though, we should all follow it. Of course, by the time the light gets to your eyeballs from the computer screen to read this, it will likely be too late.

So long folks, and remember to turn off the lights. Otherwise you’ll wake up with a lazy puddle of photons on the floor, and who’s gonna sweep that up?

I miss my Droid.

Really. I have nothing against Apple products. I use them all the time, and they usually “just work”, which I really appreciate. When it comes to a mobile device, however, it turns out I need more from a phone that the iPhone can offer. Heck, even jailbroken, the iPhone lacks customization that Android has by default. The big things that annoy me about the iPhone:

• Lack of real integration with core services. If I want to use Google Voice, I should be able to do it without some weird hack.
• App limitation. I need to use a WiFi scanner rather often, and a phone is perfect for such a thing. For some reason, however, Apple deems that an inappropriate use a phone.
• Customization. iOS 4 gave us the earth shattering ability to set a background photo. Wow.
• Did I mention app limitations?

Anyway, I’m up for a new device now, and I’m thinking about getting the Motorola Atrix. I don’t want the weird laptop thing that goes with it, but the battery life, CPU horsepower, and screen resolution look appealing. Anyone ever use one? If not, what’s your favorite Android phone?

Congrats Kate!

(NOTE: The title, for those that don’t know, is because the Hugo Award is a huge rocket ship trophy…)

This shouldn’t really come as a shock to anyone, as magazines right and left are either switching to digital, or closing shop altogether. As a tech magazine, I’m quite pleased to see us go for the former instead of slowly and painfully succumbing to the latter. The truth is, I can tell you first hand that Linux Journal is about 2 things: Content and people. And not in that order. With this change, those 2 things will remain at the top of our priority list.

It’s funny, because based on some of the negative feedback we’ve gotten, I suspect people think Linux Journal is a big conglomerate somewhere, and a fat guy smoking a cigar decided to cancel traditional publishing. As if he were sitting on a pile of money, and didn’t want to pay the small increase in price to keep printing. The truth is we’re a handful of regular old people scattered around the country. We have mortgages and drive crappy cars. Most of us have “day jobs” that not only supplement, but bring in the lion’s share of our income. We do Linux Journal because we love it. We love the people. We love the freedom. We love the penguin. If it were a matter of increasing prices a buck or two, we’d have done so. As the entire industry is showing, it’s a much, much bigger problem than that.

I kinda thought of all readers, ours would be the most understanding. And for the most part, they are. Linux people are smart people. The print magazine industry is dying, and either we adapt, or we just become a nostalgic part of history. We don’t want to move to a digital only platform, we must do so, or just pack up our toys and go home.

Thankfully, the majority of our subscribers are positive, if not bummed, about the change. Heck, we are too. We’re terrified that this “thing” we’ve come to love might not make it. We’re worried that people will just get angry and not buy the magazine anymore. We’re sad because we have no magic wand to make things all better. So, we will do all we know how to do: Create content. It’s what we’ve always done, and as long as we can find a place to write our stuff, it’s what we’ll continue to do. Hopefully we’ll thrive in this new digital age. It seems we are the right demographic to do so.

Hopefully, you’ll join us.

The only thing I can’t decide is whether to make that YouTube widget display my latest video, or a random video from my channel.

So, how are you?

Happy Birthday Choochie, I love you!

Stay tuned…

Our kids are spending the week with their aunt and uncle, and our college kid is staying home to take care of the house and animals. My boss at the school warned me that working remotely during my honeymoon would be considered insubordination. I think I like him.

We’ve packed swimsuits, books, and not much else. As it turns out, the weather here in northern Michigan will be in the mid 90s while we’re gone, and in Cancun the temperature will only be in the mid 80s. That amuses me immensely. Anyway, if you don’t hear from me here or on Twitter, take that as a good thing. Still, we’ll have wifi and cameras, I suspect we’ll want to share a bit while we’re there. (So me tweeting doesn’t signify marital problems, lol!)

I hope your week is wonderful, but unless you’re going on a fancy vacation, I hope our week is slightly more wonderfuller than yours. No offense.

If you can’t dance with your Mom, just stop in and visit mine. She’ll probably dance with you, if you’re brave enough! (PS: My Mom is awesome)

I think perhaps I confused my meme, and today I did “Do Something Stupid Day 4.”

This silly thing may be too dangerous for some of you, but for those daring enough to follow in my freakishly rebellious shoes — feel free. I gotta go, I think I hear the cops…

Bonus points for using all the condiments and table accoutrements.

Apart from that, they are a waste. As it turns out, paper currency costs a lot of money. Har har har. Seriously though, using coin dollars would purportedly save $5.5 billion dollars over the next 30 years. This is due to a few reasons:

• Dollar bills cost 2.7 to make
• Dollar coins cost 15 cents to make
• BUT, bills last about 40 months
• and coins last 34 years

You probably figured out one of the big reasons the government might hesitate switching over. The first 4 years of the switchover will actually cost money instead of saving money. Politicians need to be reelected, and losing money in the short term doesn’t really garner that many votes. (As a whole, people are fairly short sighted)

So here’s my plan: We need to get the support of the extreme (ahem, crazy) conservative Americans. We just need to stress a few things about paper dollars, and they’ll be burned at the metaphorical stake:

• Paper dollars are easier to stuff into stripper’s g-strings than coins.
• Marijuana joints are rolled with dollar bills. (I had to google this, but apparently it’s true) Not so much with coins. Sure, it would probably be possible to roll them with bigger bills — but druggies only have dollars left after the purchase. Everyone knows that.
• Bank robbers always want small, unmarked bills. That’s because singles are sinful.
• Dollar bills are bleached out to make counterfeit larger denomination bills. Who would ever bleach out a 5?!?!?
• And lastly, one dollar bills are used to steal from God. People wrap a bunch of 1′s in a 20, and drop it in the offering plate. It makes ‘em look generous.

I think my plan is a good one. The only possible problem I see is that a dollar coin in a wallet looks like a condom. We’ll have to work on that one…

For some reason people want to see video proof of Flo’s suckitude. Here’s the latest cut…

Tonight is Wednesday, which means youth group at church. It’s 8:30, and we just got home. BUT, I have a video and possibly an article due for the Linux Journal website, must pack for Penguicon, must send refined interview questions to Gareth Greenaway for an article due Monday, and prepare (2) talks I’m giving this weekend.

And I need to do all that tonight!

Dear Future Shawn: Learn to say no. Really. You’ll thank me.

Unfortunately, after 10 months of effort, she hasn’t gotten any better at housebreaking. In fact, we’ve remodeled our kitchen to keep the dogs away from the carpet, because regardless of our efforts, Phoebe poops and pees everywhere.

If you’re thinking we’re just silly, naive humans — please understand Donna and me have had dogs our whole lives. We have housebroken countless dogs, some more difficult than others, and always been able to teach them. Even Tux, our silky terrier eventually housebroke, and showed some progress from the first time we started to teach him.

Not so much with Phoebe.

I could explain in length how we’ve tried to help her thus far, but it’s the sort of things you’d expect. Crate training, puppy pads, diapers, constantly going outside, etc, etc, etc. NOTHING makes a difference. She messes in crates, rolls in it, and will often wait until she comes inside to poop. It’s quite frustrating. So instead of giving up, we contacted a specialist.

For 2 weeks, we are going to keep Phoebe on a leash 24 hours a day, and when we’re home, she will be walked indoors and out on a leash. This way, we catch her if (when, sigh) she goes in the house. It also means we notice when she goes outside, and we can give her VERY tasty treats. This ain’t no Milkbone thing, we’re talking prime cuts of hotdog. (Hey, she’s a dog, hot dogs are primo!)

Phoebe also needs to have a full panel of blood tests to check for sicknesses, and she’s going to start on Prozac. (seriously!) The hope is that her nervousness and anxiety will lessen, and she’ll be able to think long enough to understand the rewards for “going” outside.

Wish us luck, please. Ever since we’ve been in the new house, the dogs have been stuck in the kitchen behind the gate I built:

We’d like to let them join the family!

In fact, I suspect you may actually be a prank beverage, because it seems that when I made a cup in my gourmet single serving brewing apparatus (see, it doesn’t make my cheap coffee pot any fancier to use big words either), you foamed sticky goo all over my shelf.

I don’t like sticky.

Apparently someone at Maxwell House thought it would be a good idea to crumble up a bunch of Alka-Seltzer tablets into each can of Cinnamon Dulce Cappuccino, so that a proper foamy head would appear on each cup. Let me remind you, you are an instant beverage mix. No one takes you seriously. It was either you, or I brew another pot with my already used coffee grounds from this morning, and that idea almost won. You are what I drink when I run out of nasty office coffee. Don’t try to be more than you are, it’s unbecoming.

Now please clean my wall-secured, elevated, fibrous, hardwood shelving device. It’s gross.

The winning bookmarks, of which there are 12 or so, are being printed and laminated to give out in the library. I think it’s an awesome way for kids to see their artwork appreciated by others. Unfortunately, it does cost quite a bit to print & laminate them. It got me to thinking… I wonder if people would buy them if the library made them available for sale on Teh Internets. We’d have to get school board approval, etc, etc, but if they each sold for $1 or $2 including shipping, they’d recoup that toner/plastic cost in no time.

What do you think, Internets, would you buy a hand crafted bookmark designed by a book-loving elementary child? What if the proceeds benefited the library itself? Should I push my darling wife to get board approval for such an endeavor?

Also — CONGRATS LYDIA! Way to go!!!!

The head accretion team leader, Martha Biggins, told Brain of Shawn reporters that indeed the holiday weight gain is a perfect time to test gravity altering black hole experiments.

“Everyone gains a few pounds over the holidays, so we use that phenomenon to study microscopic singularities,” Biggins said.

A microscopic singularity, for those of us not familiar with astrophysics jargon, is a black hole. The [mad] scientists at CERN are creating black holes over the holiday season, and using grandma’s pumpkin pie to hide the truth from us. That truth, however, is about to unhide like a Jack-in-the-Box.

“The problem is that Hawking Radiation, which normally nullifies the singularities before they can do any damage, seems to be affected by solar flares,” Biggins confessed. “While normally the microscopic singularities vaporize in a little puff of radiation, the solar flare on December 18th disrupted this outgassing, and actually allowed the black hole to take hold.”

Scientists are not sure how to handle the growing dilemma, but the effects of the planetary bound black hole are already evident in gravitation fluctuations across the globe. Our own Shawn Powers weighed himself 3 times today, and each time his weight had increased.

“I’ve been trying to spend my Christmas Day in a normal fashion, and have been eating huge meals with my family, but at every spare opportunity I’ve been stepping on the scale. The increase is impossible to deny. Gravity from the black hole is making me weigh more,” said Shawn.

Biggins gave us the following advice, “While we’re trying everything we can to increase the Hawking Radiation, and eliminate the black hole, it doesn’t look good. Gravitational forces will continue to rise throughout the holiday season, and throughout the following months. With proper diet and exercise, it will be possible to lose enough weight to offset the increase in gravity, but once the singularity accretes enough mass, there will be nothing we can do but leave the planet or be crushed. We’re sorry, fellow Earthlings. We really messed up on this one.”

Some anti-LHC scientists have already volunteered their time, and have calculated the timeline for total destruction. Based on scientific models, the singularity will make this planet uninhabitable around December 21st, 2012. That gives us almost 2 years to either get rid of the black hole, or find another solar system to live in.

Here at The Brain of Shawn, we suggest ignoring the problem. It’s really the only thing we can do. And for the next few years, you never have to worry about gaining weight — because remember, it’s not you, it’s the black hole! Happy Holidays everyone, and remember, have another helping of mashed potatoes. It really doesn’t matter anymore.

Did you get a hideous tie? It just means the gifter thinks you have enough charisma to wear anything and have it look good. Did you get a sausage and cheese pack that looks like it’s from 1986? That’s aged fake-plastic cheddar! It’s probably worth thousands!

The one gift that’s always hard to take well is the soap and deodorant gift pack. How that says anything other than, “You smell bad, I thought this might help” is beyond me. I always try to imagine the person thinks I’m very concerned about hygiene, and knows I’d never splurge on an off brand travel sized gift pack myself. Oh, by the way, what is shower gel anyway? I never know what to do with half those bottles that come in the gift pack…

Anyway, keep your smile on full bore over the next couple days. Remember it’s the thought that counts. Remember you can always regift that sausage and cheese pack next year (they only improve with age I’m told). And lastly, hold off on your pasta sorting — your days of manual sorting are almost over!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone.

It’s quite unsettling to have everyone else eating while I sip my ice water. Sure, I could snitch a crouton or two, but really it’s not the same. I could make a pterodactyl out of my placemat. Really. I make a mean paper pterodactyl. I worry it would be considered rude to start a craft project during the meal though. So, here I sit, blogging on my phone. It could be worse.

Here’s my holiday tip for those of you frequenting restaurants with your family: Order the salad bar. Really. Everyone else will, and you’ll be like me, alone with your phone. You’ll hope your meal comes soon, but you’ll realize the kitchen put your order on hold because everyone is eating salad. Happy Holidays everyone. May your weekend be full of food, and not paper pterodactyls.

UPDATE: This blog post was eaten TWICE by the WordPress application for Android. Yes, I’m an idiot for expecting something different the second time I typed it on my phone…

A big problem with my conundrum is that much of my work is based on creativity.  Yes, I make crap up for a living.  It’s quite lovely.  When a seemingly endless workload mixes with dozens of half done projects — the end result is usually shoddy product.  Which adds stress, adds guilt, and the shame spiral begins again.  What’s a geek to do?

Quite frankly, I’m open to suggestions.  Here are the things I’ve tried that have NOT worked:

• Scheduling everything in Google Calendar.  This is fine, until something goes wrong (I work in IT, something ALWAYS goes wrong).  Then I’m off schedule, have guilt, more stress, you see where this is going…
• Keeping a TODO list for all the tasks in my various jobs.  This works better than scheduling everything in a calendar, because there is no timing on the things.  HOWEVER, it’s a bit like shoveling snow from a driveway that happens to be 30 miles long.  I never see progress.  I have guilt, shame, stress, and yes, the spiral begins again.
• [INSERT PRODUCTIVITY SYSTEM HERE] — I’ve read books, watched videos, etc, etc.  Whatever system is pitched always sounds great, but my problem is I get caught up in the system and never get anything else done!
• At work, we’ve implemented a trouble ticket system that is a bit nicer than our old clunky one.  I think this will help at my sysadmin job, because I can just do the top ticket, and work from there.  They’ll never be gone, but at least I can see what to do next.  For the rest of my jobs (writing, producing videos), that doesn’t work, because there’s not just a list of things that need to be done, it varies and changes.

So I’ve been trying to think what might actually work.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Get up early and try to accomplish one thing before anyone else gets up.  Getting up early sucks, but if I only have to accomplish one thing, it might not be so bad.  Plus, I can have a nice quiet hot beverage, and maybe my creativity will flow a bit.
• Make a daily list of things to do.  NOT all the things I have to do (30 mile driveway again), but rather a smaller list of things that I need to accomplish THAT DAY.  I think I’ll put this on paper, because if I put it on something electronic, I’ll spend weeks designing the perfect list software…
• When I’m done with the list, STOP WORKING.  I think this is important, because I suffer pretty badly from burnout.  It seems like I never accomplish anything, so stopping cold turkey probably won’t really change productivity, but perhaps it will help my brain.
• Do something fun every day.  I miss fun stuff.  Perhaps this is a silly video.  Perhaps this is a silly poem.  Perhaps this is just a snowball fight with the dog.  Whatever it is, I think I should insist on doing something fun.  For science!
• Take time to read.  Even if it’s just a little.  Reading is brain exercise, and quite frankly, my brain is getting flabby.  I need to tone it up a bit.

So that’s it.  It’s not a list of New Year’s resolutions, because those never work.  It’s not some new "system" I’m going to get caught up in.  It’s just me brainstorming how to get stuff done, and be happy while I do it.  That last part seems important, ya know?  I’m open for suggestions on how to get stuff done without instilling the wrath of Mr. Shame Spiral, but we’ll see how my plan goes.  I spoke with Fred about it, and he seems to think it’s a grand idea.  Although, to be honest, I think he just wants me to feed him earlier, so he was in favor of the early rising thing. 

I’m sure some of your are just itching to comment on how a 1.5 gallon tank is too small for a betta, but I assure you I’ve done a lot of research. I’m not putting any other fish in the tank, and while I wanted to get a 3 gallon aquarium, I couldn’t find any that I liked. If Fred turns out to be awesome, perhaps he’ll graduate to a bigger tank someday. For now, he’s like a college fish living in a dorm room. Hey, it beats those little torture bowls they live in at pet stores.

I’ll try to get photos of him all flared out, but right now I’m waiting for the bubbles on the tank to go away. They block my view of his awesome.

Here at Chez Powers, there are a few things we do this time of year.  I’ll tell you ours, if you tell me yours.  Unless you do some creepy public urination tradition or something.  In that case, let’s just pretend you just play in the snow.  Anyway, here are some of the things we do:

Burnin’ Down the House

This was actually a tradition we started last year.  I don’t recommend it.  The plan is to make it a one time thing, as it’s a very expensive tradition, and makes for a rather rotten new year.  (Yes, it’s been long enough to joke about.  Quit yer cryin.)

Coins In Shoes on December 6th

December 6th is St. Nicholas Day, and every year we buy chocolate coins to put in our girl’s shoes.  We read the story of St. Nicholas, and start the holiday season with chocolate, which is a very good way to start it.  Unfortunately, we forget almost every year.  So we mostly remember around December 10th, read the story, and just hand out chocolate coins.  It’s a good plan, but for some reason we forget.  Still, we get chocolate, so it’s all good.

The Scavenger Hunt

This is a Powers Family favorite.  Every Christmas Eve, Mom and Dad create an elaborate chain of hidden clues.  The girls work together solving the clues and searching for the next clue, in order to find the final destination.  That final clue leads to a family gift, usually a game of some sort, that they open and we play.  It’s a great tradition, and as the girls get older, the clues get more and more difficult.  It’s so much fun to watch them work together to solve the clues, and at the end, we all get to play a game together.  It’s really cool.  We try to do this tradition on Christmas Eve, because it’s usually just our family.  It makes it special.

The Christmas Photo

Every year, we take a Christmas photo.  Actually, every year we take 6,328 Christmas photos.  Donna is really passionate about pictures, so we end up taking many photos, trying to get dogs and kids to pose correctly.  We all act like we’re upset by it, but really it’s sweet.  Donna loves the Christmas photo, and we love her – so we’re happy to oblige. 

So there you go, some Powers traditions.  What are some of your traditions?  Perhaps we want to steal one or two!  (Also, if you’re looking for an idea from us – I highly recommend the scavenger hunt, it’s full of win)

Happy Holidays!

Well, sorta.

I’m glad to be over the hump. Really, I am. I gotta be honest though, I thought being healed would feel a whole lot better. I still have a horrible cough, chest/back/neck pain, and I’m hocking up nasty critters that look like they’re about to gain sentience. I do have a prescription for Prednisone, so hopefully that will finish off whatever ails me. In the meantime, I’m going to celebrate my health with a certain amount of trepidation and concern.

I guess now is that whole “recovery” period people have been talking about. Getting old sucks.

I started with what I think was Influenza (I say that instead of “Flu”, because the stomach flu is what most people call the “Flu”, and it’s really not the flu at all. The actual flu sucks.) About a week into my misery, I apparently contracted Walking Pneumonia. I went to the doctor, he gave me drugs, tested me, etc, and send me home.

Thankfully, on Monday, my fever broke. I figured that meant I was getting better, and while I still stayed in bed, I’ve been very optimistic. Since I still have a bad cough, aches, night sweats, (and a few other issues you don’t want to know about), I did go for a follow up exam today. I expected a pat on the back and assurance all was going well.

Yeah, not so much.

The doctor was under the impression I should be better. Not relatively speaking, but completely. Like, I should be all better. So, now I’m on an even stronger medicine, and on bed rest until next week when I see the doctor. Again. Since I’ve been really good about resting and drinking fluids at home (thank you for your support, family), I don’t have to go into the hospital or anything. So far.

So the lesson for the day? Apparently you can still be pretty sick even if you don’t have a fever. Go figure. And with that, it’s back into pajamas for me.

I sat there and hallucinated as my face and upper body felt like it was on fire. (The hallucinations made no sense, and weren’t really funny, so I won’t bother you with details) It was freaky. We opened the window, so the snow would blow in on me, but it didn’t help much. It wasn’t until after I got more ibuprofen into my gut, and I had about an hour to let it do its thing that I started to feel human again. When I got home, my fever was below 103F, and I could think again. That was some scary crap.

The worst part? This was AFTER seeing the doctor. If I don’t start to heal soon, I’m going to have to go into the hospital. This is just crazy.

I’m pretty sure I have the flu right now. I looked up symptoms (after I tallied all mine, so I didn’t become self-fullfillingly sick), and apparently flu symptoms for adults are slightly different from that of children. (The latter of which I’m familiar with getting the flu, as I’ve held several puking children in my time as a father)

It turns out adults, while they get a fever, it isn’t usually as high as children. Mine is hovering around 100F, regardless if I take medicine or not. For most people, that’s a mild fever, but my baseline temp is about 96.4F. Yes, I’m apparently partly cold blooded. Perhaps my great great grandfather was a lizard. I have also had a headache for 4 days now, which is a symptom of the flu I wasn’t aware of. Yet, apparently it is.

The thing that has had me doubting my self-diagnosed flu was the fact that I haven’t vomited at all. THEN I read that in adults, vomiting and nausea aren’t common indicators. WHICH MEANS that all the other times I assumed I had the flu because I was throwing up really didn’t mean I had the flu at all. I think this might be the first time I’ve had an actual flu in the time I can remember. (11 years, for those counting my memory)

The flu sucks.

For 4 days now, I’ve had horrible body aches, moderate headache, constant fever, no appetite (the one bonus), dizziness, confusion, chills, sweats, and malaise. The flu sucks.

Thankfully, I haven’t had any respiratory problems. I hate to say “yet”, but as I seem to be feeling worse today than any other day, it’s certainly a possibility. I assure everyone, if I start to have problems breathing, I’ll go to the hospital. I won’t argue, I’ll just go. But the reason for this post is not to make everyone worry about me. It’s to say this:

GET YOUR FLU SHOT!

I hate needles so much that I’ve avoided the flu shot like the plague itself. That won’t be the case anymore. While I’ve felt sicker (pneumonia is a doozy, let me tell you), this slow worsening is rather unsettling. So yeah, go schedule your flu shot right now.

I’m going to go drink some more TheraFlu. And scold myself for not getting a flu shot.

This time, I’m not so great with the willpower. So I’ll give you some of the things I do to help curb my appetite. It’s not a diet plan, it’s not a 12 step program, just some things I do that help me lose weight.

Tip 1: Have Snacks

When you eat a giant salad for lunch, you WILL be hungry at 2PM. You will NOT want more salad, and you’ll probably cave into bad snacks unless you have some good ones readily available. Have apples available. Or preferably, vegetables. Carrots are great. Yes, they are one of those “bad veggies” that are high in sugar, blah blah blah. You’ll never meet a person that is fat from carrot intake, trust me.

If plain carrots don’t light your fire, try dipping them in hummus. Hummus is magical food. It’s really great. I’d suggest making your own though, because the store bought stuff if loaded with olive oil. You can make it really low fat, and add stuff like taco seasoning for a really yummy carrot dip.

Tip 2: V-8 is Great

Yes, it’s terribly high in sodium. It’s not really cheap. For some reason, however, this low calorie drink seems to satisfy a “food” craving for me. Plus, if you get the spicy kind, it leaves your mouth feeling all hot and bothered, which makes other food not sound as appealing. If you are hungry for food, a small glass of warm or cold V-8 might make things all better for about 50 calories. It’s a caloric bargain.

Tip 3: Have Thirds

This tip is often titled “eat smaller portions”, but I like my way better. Use a small plate, and allow yourself to go back for more. I like to use a really small plate (saucer size), and go back a couple times. I don’t feel guilty getting more food, and the time it takes to go back and forth allows your body to realize it’s full. Small plates are awesome.

Tip 4: Eat Frozen Veggies. Lots of Them.

Frozen veggies are often more healthy than fresh. I’m not making that up, it’s really true. If you eat green veggies (I like broccoli and peas) in mass quantities, it will fill you up with very little caloric regret. Plus there’s lots of fiber. I think that’s supposed to be good too. Be careful you don’t get frozen veggies with sauce already built in though. Like adding a bunch of salad dressing to a salad makes it unhealthy, sauces or butter on veggies negates the “low calorie” thing. I like to microwave an entire bag of frozen broccoli, put some seasonings on it (dry, no calorie), and eat the entire thing. Sometimes I’ll chase that with a half bag of frozen peas as well.

Tip 5: Drink Water

Another staple in diet tips, this one, for me, is simply a matter of physics. Drink a lot of water before eating, and you can’t cram as much stuff in. Yes, the water “goes away” quickly, but usually we overeat because we don’t give our bodies time to feel full. This helps a little. (It’s not magic though, I mean, it’s water, not food. Don’t expect too much.)

Tip 6: Beer and Wine are not Beverages

OK, they are. But pretend they’re not. If you like beer or wine (or hard liquor I guess), treat them like desserts, not beverages. If you by a 30 pack of Bud, and chug ‘em down like water — you will get a beer gut. “Beer gut” isn’t a metaphor, it’s a huge belly from drinking too much beer. Just because it’s not sweet doesn’t mean it’s not loaded with carbs. If you really like beer, get some expensive imports, so drinking one costs like $5-$6. You won’t chug 10 of them in a row, trust me. Same goes with wine. Sure, you can drink it with dinner, but don’t think of it as something you wash your food down with — think of it as a spice or something that adds to a meal. Have a glass of water on the table if you get thirsty, don’t gulp your wine.

Tip 7: Don’t Worry About Thanksgiving

It’s one day. Anyone that has tried to eat smart on Thanksgiving knows, it sucks. Enjoy yourself. If you want to try to be smart, eat slow. You’ll know when you’re stuffed before you have to unbutton your pants!

So there you go, Shawn’s tips for losing weight. Ask me in about 6 months if it worked again. I need to lose about 50 pounds this time, and I don’t have nearly the will power I did before.

I started planning a vacation for our 15th anniversary quite a while back, but then our house burned down, construction costs skyrocketed, and now every last bit our our savings has been spent on our new house. That’s not a complaint, as our house is wonderful, but it makes a vacation impossible this month. We also planned a tropical vacation, somewhere with a beautiful beach where Donna could lay in the sun and I could stare at her read a book. The more we talked about it though, the more we thought a traveling vacation would be fun. So after a brainstorming session with my friend Kyle, we figured out what sounds like the perfect vacation, at least for us:

Sometime this summer, we’ll fly to San Diego (or somewhere in SoCal), where we’ll take a cab to the Volkswagen Beetle we will have purchased in advance. We considered renting a convertible, but a one-way rental of a sports car is really expensive. So we’re going to buy a car and keep it. Plus, driving home we save on half the plane fare, so in the end we get a car as a souvenir for little more than a rental would cost.

We’re going to take 10 days or so and travel north along the Pacific Coast Highway, stopping along the way to see the sites, visit with friends, and just enjoy ourselves. We plan to end our northerly trek in Seattle (again visiting friends and checking out the things to see), and then turn east to head home. It will take 4-5 days traveling cross country to get home, but since it’s part of the vacation itself, it will be fun!

Granted, a two week vacation driving across country will be expensive, especially when buying a classic car is part of the cost — but we have some time to save up for the journey, and I suspect the memories we’ll have will be more exciting than 6 days and 7 nights in a bungalow on a beach. (Not that we can’t do that someday as well!)

Anyway, making it public here will help motivate me to really make it happen. If you live in southern California, please keep your eye out for a classic convertible bug, please! (UPDATE: A 1975 or older model, to avoid the crazy California emissions stuff, thanks Dr. Phil!) I’m so excited about this trip, I can’t wait until summer!

This post is a long, wordy, self-discovery thread in which I reveal more about myself than anyone likely cares to know. It’ll probably be boring. Feel free to click away now, I won’t be offended.

I wish I would follow my own advice. Really, I do. See, my simple advice to everyone is a two step process:

1. Figure out what you love to do.
2. Do that thing.

I don’t mean that in some existential, universal happiness, hippy circle, kumbaya crap. I mean your career. Your job. You daily doings. The thing you spend most of your life doing. That thing.

For me, it’s taken 35 years to figure out what it is I love to do. For a long time I thought it was working on computers. I’m good with technology. And I enjoy technology. But it’s really not what I love. Shocked? Don’t be. I like bagels and cream cheese too, but I don’t want to have a career of eating them. Computers and technology are things I enjoy doing, things I understand, things I have an intuitive ability to fix. That doesn’t excite me when I wake up in the morning though. I don’t ever want to go to work in the morning.

Over the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to work at Linux Journal. It involves computers, technology, and allows me to write. I love writing. I really do. For the past few years, I actually thought it was writing that was the thing I should be doing every day. I actually do wake up in the morning thinking about writing. I love writing. In fact, writing allows me to fill that need deep in my soul that truly brings me a wellspring of joy.

But honestly, writing isn’t “the thing” I love.

This was a confusing revelation for me. When I write, I can feel fulfilled, totally. It does give me that soul soothing comfort everyone hopes to get from their job. Yet, I struggle to keep a diary. If writing were really my ultimate passion, a diary or journal would be like my own little crack pipe. But it turns out that I really don’t like to write in a journal. Because no one reads it. And that’s when it struck me.

I like to entertain.

For a long time, I told Donna that more than anything in the world, I like to make people smile. And I do love to make people smile. But like writing, it’s just a tool for my ultimate passion. Entertaining. That may sound hokey. It may sound like hippy circle, kumbaya crap — but really, entertaining people is my passion. It’s taken me 35 years to figure that out.

So now I’m stuck in a rough situation. I know what I love. That knowledge is powerful, it really is. It’s freeing. It’s fulfilling. It’s awesome. Unfortunately, my life is no longer all about me. I have a family that I deeply love and care for. In fact, I love my family more than I love myself. It’s true. I’m not upset that I have responsibilities that prevent me from “following my dream” right now. I’m thrilled to have a family to care for. So I choose to work in a stable job that provides financial stability for those I love.

If that job proves to be detrimental to the happiness of my family, however, I have no reason to stay. See, money and health insurance are important, but a father and husband is even more important. If the stress of my current job is killing me, and making me a father I don’t want to be, I can quit with the confidence I’ve done the right thing. That, my friend, is some powerful knowledge.

So I leave you with this:

1. Know what you love.
2. If you can, do what you love.
3. Don’t let what you’re doing change who you are.

The last point is important. Remember who you are, and who your family loves. Don’t let a bad career choice change who you are. If you do, you kill the person your family loves, and become a poor substitute. I’m working hard to make sure that doesn’t happen to my family, I urge you to do the same.

Life is too short. Carpe Diem. Trust me, it can be gone in the blink of an eye. Live your life to the fullest, please.

Yet I can’t seem to find the time to read.

When I do, I’m never sorry. Ever. Any time I’ve stayed up late reading a book, any sleepiness in the morning is worth it, because books are like magic. Real magic, the kind you get to live out just by reading them.

So my question is, when do YOU do most of your reading? I know many of you read like crazy, so much so that I’m bitterly jealous. *cough* Candy *cough* So I’m curious, when do you do the bulk of your reading? Is it right before bed? Do you read in bed? Is it in the morning? At lunch? All of the above?

I also wonder if you have to make yourself stop what you’re doing to take time to read. I think if I want to actually do some reading, I’ll have to make myself stop working. I know I work too much, so that might be a good thing.

So simply put, when do you read?

Anyway, while my life certainly hasn’t gotten any less busy, it’s still true that for the majority of my day, I sit in a chair and type on a computer. I figured it would be awesome if I could transform my work desk into a standing treadmill desk. It would help me lose weight, make me healthier in general, promote a healthy mindset at school, and not take any MORE time out of my already crazy life. I say that’s win-win. (Well, actually win win win win, but who’s counting)

One of the first problems with building a treadmill desk is that such endeavors can be quite expensive. Since we just bought a house (yes insurance covered some, but we ended paying upwards of 80K, so needless to say, money is tight) I figured I had about a $10 budget. Thankfully, my mother in law said I could use her treadmill, which was collecting dust in the shed of the last person that borrowed it. That was the first big expense, and it cost me $0. Well within budget.

The next hurdle was to get my desk, well, on the treadmill. Or in front of it, or something like that. This treadmill is on the small side, so I guesstimated it would fit under the desk, and I could just raise my desk up to accommodate the height of me standing on the treadmill. I guessed on how high it would have to go, and went to the lumber yard. I bought 12 cinder blocks. (Bricks, the kind you build houses with.) They were just over a buck a piece, so while I went over my $10 budget, it wasn’t by much. So here are the materials I had to work with:

Hauling bricks is hard work. I just want to put that out in the universe. Go hug a bricklayer or something, those folks work hard for a living. Anyway, I never really measured, but I sorta figured raising the desk by 3 blocks would allow the treadmill to fit underneath it. I had no idea if that would make the desk too high — and quite honestly, when I stacked the bricks, I was a little nervous.

As it turns out, I had to rearrange this really nice brick layout, because my electrical outlet is behind one of the bricks on the right. After asking Donna (my wife) to help me lift the desk, it was time to hook stuff back up and get the treadmill in place. Why did I ask Donna to help me? Because if it was a colossal failure, I knew she’d be kind. Here is the finished treadmill desk:

How does it work? Well, I only walked on it for about two hours today, since I put it in place during my lunch hour. In those few hours though, I learned a few things.

1. Converse All-Stars, while the most amazing and awesome shoe ever created, are not good for walking on a treadmill. I will be wearing my walking shoes to work from now on.
2. Treadmills are rather loud. Probably not all of them, but this one is kinda noisy. For the price, I’m not complaining, and Donna says she can’t hear it out in the library, so I’ll live with the noise. It’s something to consider if your situation calls for more hush hush though.
3. There are very few things that can’t be done while walking on the treadmill. Really. I’m surprised and amazed at how well I can manipulate my keyboard, mouse, etc. I can even drink coffee without spilling.
4. I need a fan. Even walking slowly, it gets hot quickly. My office is always uncomfortably hot anyway, and walking doesn’t help. Since the treadmill is noisy anyway, I don’t think a fan will be too bad.
5. So far, I’ve gotten many more compliments than rolled eyes. I suspected people would think I was crazy, or just playing in my office — but both students and adults alike thought it was a great idea. In fact, our phys-ed instructor was REALLY impressed with the idea.
6. Oddly enough, I get a feeling of accomplishment when I work while walking on the treadmill. It’s not as if I’m doing anything differently, but while my “never get everything done” sort of job is often frustrating, the fact that I walked a few miles really makes the day seem more productive. It’s quite nice.

If you’ve been considering building a treadmill desk, or even just a standing desk, I’d recommend doing it similar to how I did. Try to be cheap. I have no idea if I’ll stick with this for a long time (I really hope I do), but since it cost me about $12 total — I’m not going to feel bad if I fail miserably. However, since Donna immediately claimed my awesome desk chair, if I do give up the treadmill, I don’t think I’ll get back my comfy chair…

Jess: hi
Jess: hw u doing?

Me: Eh.
Me: I’m alive.

Jess: i need your help fast

Me: What’s up?

[the next lines came faster than any human being can type]

Jess: I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, I came down here to London, United Kingdom for a short vacation unfortunately i was mugged at the park of the hotel where i stayed, all cash, credit card and cell were stolen off me but luckily for me i still have my passport with me. I’ve been to the embassy and the Police here but they’re not helping issues at all and my flight leaves soonest from now but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills.

[I didn't think it was a scammer, I actually thought it was Jess pretending to be a scammer, which was funny, so I played along]

Me: But you’ve got WiFi, so that’s good.

Jess: Please, all I need now is just lend me $900 or any amount you have at hand now and you can have it wired to my name via Western Union I’ll have to show my passport as ID to pick it up here and i promise to pay you back as soon as I get back home

Me: You know — you could probably hock that laptop you’re on for 900 bones.

Jess: am on someone elses computer system here in the hotel where i am

Me: And that’s a problem?

Jess: and i won’t stay here for long

Me: Even better! Grab the computer and go!

Jess: pls do something

Me: What are you talking about, anyway?

Jess: am serious
Jess: in UK now

Me: Your IP address does not trace to the UK

Jess disconnected

At which point I thought the fun was over. I texted the real Jess to let her know her Yahoo account was compromised, and went back to work. A minute later though…

Jess: are u there?

Me: Yes, I’m here. You want me to send money to your name, to Western Union in London?

Jess: yes

Me: Who went with you?

Jess: me alone

Me: Does Marge even know you left? I saw her yesterday!
Me: Jess?

[long pause, at which point "Jess" is obviously looking over our previous conversations]

Jess: dad

[Jess calls me Dad, true, but it wasn't really an answer to the question!]

Me: Did you tell Marge you were leaving?

[oh yeah, there is no Marge, I was watching the Simpsons in the background]

Jess: no
Jess: am sorry
Jess: i never knew it will result all this

Me: I’ll let her know you’re OK. Do you have a local Western Union I can send it to?

Jess: yes
Jess: there is one close to the hotel

Me: I actually only have $750… perhaps the hotel will let you settle?

Jess: yes

Me: Otherwise it will be a day or so before I can get the rest, the bank is closed.

Jess: am scared
Jess: the hotel management is threatening to hand me over to the police

Me: I understand. Let me know the Western Union address, and I’ll go up to the Hippry Market and send it out.

["Hippry" was actually a typo, I was going to make up some OTHER funny name, but since it was made up anyway, it didn't really matter]

Jess: can u go and send it now

Me: Yeah, but they need to know where
Me: When I sent money to your sister for her boob job, they needed the address of the place it was going

[Jess has no sister. I also didn't really say boob job, but I wish I had...]

Jess: just tell them u want to send it to the information i gave to u

Me: Sweety, you just said you’re in the UK. I’m sure you’re scared, but can you get more info?

Jess: this is the address to send it to
Jess: Name: Jessica , State: London W10 4AH, Country: United Kingdom
Jess: when u get there, send it like this
Jess: Dad…. are u there

Me: Yes, I’m here.

Jess: are u going to send it now

Me: I’m calling your sister to see if she has the other $150

Jess: why not send me the $750 u have with u
Jess: send it first, so that i can settle the hotel bills

Me: I don’t want the hotel to give you a hard time, those people in the UK can be nasty

Jess: i know

[at this point I started to get tired of the conversation, so I figured I should just have fun]

Me: I hear they kill Americans sometimes if they don’t pay!

Jess: if i get that,i can settle them and they will be patient with me

Me: I just want to get you home

Jess: i know
Jess: just go and send the $750 first

Me: Also, your sister just texted me, she’s in Amsterdam. She can fly to London and meet you.

Jess: I need to settle the hotel bills as soon as possible

Me: Marge is going to be really upset though… I can’t believe you didn’t tell her!

Jess: Dad,pls don’t tell her anything about it
Jess: Dad, pls act fast am scared and starving here

Me: Hmm… Who is letting you use their computer? Is it a private location?
Me: Remember when we killed that bum so he wouldn’t rat us out?
Me: Maybe you can do the same to this computer person… Take their computer, and if they chase you… you know what to do. It’s a foreign country, they’ll never find you.

Jess: Dad… I can’t believe u are saying such things now, that i really need your help the most

Me: I mean, don’t be as cruel as you were to that person that stole your identity… They never could identify the body…

Jess disconnected

Oh well, fun while it lasted.

That being said, while they may understand how to brew good coffee, they apparently haven’t figured out physics. Or perhaps they haven’t figured out Styrofoam. Let me explain.

In the photo above, you’ll see that McDonald’s has taken a regular Styrofoam cup, and covered it with paper. Perhaps so no one realizes they are still using Styrofoam, since it’s so environmentally taboo? Who knows. Anyway, you’ll see the mysterious coffee that happens to be under the paper. Anyone who drinks McDonald’s coffee very often has had a cup drip from the bottom. It’s very frustrating because you don’t expect a drip from the bottom, and since it’s dripping from underneath the paper sheath — there is no way to stop the drip. It stains your pants, your shirt, your desk, your paperwork, etc.

How does the coffee get there you might ask? Well, the answer is physics. Look at the following photo:

What starts as a small imperfection in the top of the Styrofoam cup, turns into a physics dynamo, which pumps coffee directly from under the lid onto your pants. If the paper weren’t there, you’d get an occasional drip, which your thumb would catch, at which point you’d simply adjust the lid so it no longer leaks. Thanks to the paper coating, however, the drip is quietly and sinisterly absorbed into the paper. It then wicks all the way down the cup, and begins randomly dripping from around the entire bottom of the cup.

The first few months of this were maddening. I thought I just kept getting leaky cups. It turns out it was much more complex. So my only suggestion to fellow McDonald’s coffee drinkers? Drink fast. Wicking is relatively slow. And the most frustrating part? Throw the cup away after you’re finished. I tended to use my McDonald’s cup all day, to save on disposables. If you keep using the flawed design, the dripping gets worse and worse.

So there you have it, your lunchtime physics lesson.

Today, however, I figured I’d post the sermon message I just preached. Why? Because I think whether you agree with my religious views or not, when I preach, I try to be transparent about who I am. Don’t think of it as me preaching to you, but rather me explaining myself and my beliefs. Also — a warning, while I’m not vicious, I do disagree with the Catholic church on some issues, and I mention it here. You’ve been warned.

Prayer

Terry read from Romans 12 a little bit ago, but I want to read it again, adding a few verses around it. Please turn there, and follow along with me.

Romans 12: 9-13 — 9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

My bible has little section headings in the chapters, and this section is titled, “Behave Like a Christian.” And it’s full of good stuff! Granted, that’s not a surprise, but I was just amazed at how awesome and important this list is. There’s like 14 sermons right here! I hope you brought a sandwich…

No, I’m just teasing. I’m going to focus on prayer. The thing about prayer, is that’s it’s one of the hardest things to explain to a non-believer. Our God is all-knowing, amen? Our God knows the future, amen? Our God knows the desires and cries of our heart better than we know it ourselves, amen? SO WHY ON EARTH DO WE PRAY?!?!? If anything, people without a relationship with God should be the ones praying! And that’s the key. We have a relationship with God. We have a relationship with GOD. It’s that relationship that gives us the privilege of communicating with him. God picked me. ME. He picked ME! Yes, he picked you too, but it feels a little more awesome when you say ME! Say it with me. GOD PICKED ME!

So really quickly, I want to talk about the “why” should we pray. I hope you’re sitting there thinking BECAUSE I CAN! But some of you are more analytical than that. Probably those same people that asked why they should eat broccoli as a child. You know broccoli, that green wonder-vegetable that has been linked to preventing cancer, has been shown to fend off sickness, grow strong muscles, and reduce heart disease. Why eat broccoli? BECAUSE WE CAN! But some people want more. So really quickly I want to talk about the why:

1) Because God said so. I gotta say, if God says to do it, we really shouldn’t need any more reason. Romans 12:12 says it, we just read it together. Acts 6:4, the apostles say, “but we will give ourselves continually to prayer and to the ministry of the word.” Paul says to ALL of us in Colossians 4:2, “Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving;”, and in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 Paul goes so far as to say, “Pray without ceasing.” We’re supposed to pray, and we know it because God tells us over and over. Which, makes sense. Because we’re his children. Those of you know with children know that saying something once isn’t usually enough. So we know we should pray because God tells us we should pray. But there’s more.

2) We pray because prayer changes things.

James 4:2 — You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask.

John 14:13 — And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

I know some of you are ready to lynch me, thinking I’m suggesting that by praying we somehow change the will of God. Or that if we pray enough, we’ll change God’s mind. No, of course not. But James 4:2 is pretty plain, we do not have because we do not ask. Of course those things we ask for must align with the will of God, but he doesn’t say “you don’t get what you want because it doesn’t align with my will”, he says, “you do not have because you do not ask.”

God is giving us the opportunity to affect the universe by praying to him. I won’t spend the bulk of my time discussing how that works, or what it looks like in practice. But know this, your prayers are not empty words. God tells us to ask him and he will act. I believe him.

3) Because the sovereign God of the universe sent his only son to die on a cross so we could have a relationship with him. He chose us as the people he wants to speak with by passing his holy word unto us through the inspired word of men. Because of the atoning blood of Christ we can be heard by a loving and sacrificing Lord. Why do we pray? I’ll reiterate, because we can.

I could stop there, and we’d all revel in our opportunity and responsibility to pray. We’d leave here excited at the command, and honored by the privilege. But that’s not what I wanted to come here an speak to you about. I want you to be excited about prayer, so we can talk about another 3 letter word. “How.”

1) Scripted

I have to admit, I grew up going to a Catholic school. I went to Catholic mass, took Catholic communion, and confessed my sins to a Catholic priest. At which point, I received my “penance”, or “punishment.” Prayer. That’s right, in order to repay my sins (don’t get me started on why Christ’s death on the cross wasn’t sufficient for my sins, my issues with the Catholic church is another topic altogether), I had to pray to God. Doesn’t that seem a little backwards from what we just learned about “why” we pray to God? Yeah. Anyway, my point is that for me, planned, scripted, or formatted prayer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Then I got to thinking, one of the “punishment” prayers I was forced to repeat over and over (depending on how bad I confessed to being) was the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13. So if Jesus himself taught us to pray in this way, it can’t be bad, right? Well, if we go back to the concept of a relationship, and consider that as the church we are called the bride of Christ in Revelation 21:9-10, think about some of the most important things you’ve ever said to your spouse, if you’re married. Last week, there was a beautiful wedding here. Many of you were here when Kelly and Mark were married, and I think it’s fair to say it was one of the most important conversations they will ever have with each other. And it was fully scripted. In fact, Pastor Josh told them what to say, and they just repeated it. Yet, saying “I Do” is one of the most important and memorable things you ever say to your spouse! So scripted and formed prayers are not a bad thing. In fact, when we pray prayers from the Bible, it helps draw us closer to God himself. They are the very words he has given us. Josh may have told Mark and Kelly what to say at their wedding, but God himself has given us prayers and scripture that we can pray to him. The same is true with prayers we write down, practice, or even sing. Just as a couple can write their own vows, and it can be immensely meaningful even though it was planned and memorized, we can pray to our Lord with learned, memorized, or written prayers. By praying in this way, we show respect to God. We show reverence in our carefully thought out words. We show commitment to him in our memorization. We show that the relationship we have with him is important to us.

Like most aspects of the Christian life, however, leaning too hard to one side is dangerous. While I would argue the idea of prayer as punishment is absurd, what’s even worse about the Catholic penance I received is that I was forced to repeat the same prayers over and over. In vain. Let me repeat that: I used the words of God over and over in vain. If you say “Our Father who art in Heaven” over and over in vain — you’re breaking the third commandment given to us in Exodus 20:7. Isn’t it a little scary that we can go from reverent and loving prayer to taking the Lord’s name in vain so easily? That’s where the other type of prayer comes in. With my propensity to push against my Catholic background, I admit I tend to pray in this manner more of that in a formed or scripted one. That’s wrong on my behalf, but only in balance. It is right to pray to God in unformed ways as well.

2) Free Form

Let’s go back to the marriage example. Marriage only works when two people communicate. If I only talked to Donna in pre-scripted, memorized conversations, our relationship would suffer. Think about it for a minute:

Dear Donna, who did the dishes. Thank you for your duties. My socks are clean, our kids are fed, both weekdays and on the weekends. I’m sorry I left my underwear in the kitchen, and I forgive you for washing my coffee cup just as it was starting to form a protective layer of dried coffee on the bottom. Please make my lunch so that I might eat it at noon. I am what I am, A-man.

No, if that were how our communication went, I would fully expect Donna to smite me. Possibly with that loaf of daily bread. While we’ve talked about scripted and memorized prayers to be important, it’s just as important to have personal conversations with God. Remember, this is the God that sent his son to die so that we might have the ability to commune with him. I think he deserves that from us, don’t you? Let’s look at the bible for some guidance here:

Psalms 88
O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. 2 May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
3 For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves. Selah

I’m pretty sure this isn’t a prayer David learned as a child. In fact, I’d wager it’s not a prayer he hopes to repeat very often! David is pouring out his heart to God, much the same way I pour my heart out to Donna. I’m fairly certain the only person here that has ever seen me cry is my wife. I have a relationship with her that surpasses the relationship I have with any of you. How much more-so should my relationship with God be?

Praying like this is hard. It’s the sort of prayer we ask people to do “on the spot.” And when we do that, the prayers we tend to pray sound mechanical, or rehearsed. Think about it, there are some people you hear pray that you think, “Wow. That person can really pray.” Let me suggest that perhaps those people are good at public speaking. They might be good at praying too, it’s not that an eloquent speaker can’t be good at prayer — but as listeners, we have no way of knowing if that eloquent speaker is also opening their heart to God. But God knows. In fact, God knows even when we’re unable to speak, much less speak eloquently! Turn to Romans 8:26:

26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us[a] with groanings which cannot be uttered.

He even helps us express ourselves when we can’t. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf, and expresses those things we are unable to verbalize. Brothers and sisters in Christ, I urge you to take advantage of the blessing we’ve been given. We have the ear of the Almighty Creator and Ruler of the universe. Talk to him. Cry out to him. And when you can’t think of words to speak, let the Holy Spirit intercede so that you can pour your heart out to the Lord that cares, no matter what your situation. If there’s one thing I hope you leave with today, it’s a desire to speak with God. And that leads us to my third “How” point.

3) Listen.

I keep going back to the marriage metaphor, because it works so well. If you’re not married, the same is true for a parental relationship. We often like to complain. We often like to talk about ourselves. We even like to ask for advice. Very seldom, however, do we listen to what we’re told.

All too often, we’re the same way with God. It’s like that joke about the Christian on the roof of the house during the flooding in New Orleans. He’s on his roof, praying and praying for God to save him. A guy on a rowboat goes by and offers to take him to safety, but the Christian says, “No, thank you, but God will save me.” A little while later, a group of people on an island of inner tubes floats by and asks him to join them. Again he refuses, insisting the Lord will save him. Finally, after days on the roof, a helicopter flies down and drops a rope to save him. He refuses for a third time, insisting God will help him. That evening the roof on his house collapses, and the man drowns. Upon reaching heaven he asks God why he didn’t save him. God of course replies, “I sent a boat, 12 inner tubes, and a helicopter — what more did you expect!??!”

Now granted it’s not just like that in our prayer life, but it is easy for us to ignore God’s response to us. It’s easy to read the Bible, but never really listen. The bible tells us itself that it’s useful:

2 Timothy 3:16 — All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,

Yet we often forget to look in God’s revealed word for an answer to our prayers. If you want to know someone, you get to know them. The same is true with God. He hears us through prayers, and we hear him through his inspired words to us. One of my favorite lessons to teach the youth group is “How to read your Bible.” If I get an opportunity to speak again, perhaps that will be what I focus on up here. For now, just know that the main part of “how to read your Bible” is that you actually read your bible. Get to know God. Talk to him. Listen to his word. Take advantage of the relationship he allows us to have. I gotta say, knowing *about* God is one thing. Knowing him personally is quite another.

So let’s go back over what we talked about. First off, why pray?

1) Because God commands us to.
2) Because prayer makes things happen.
3) BECAUSE WE CAN!

And then how do we pray?

1) Scripted and practiced prayer.
2) Free form, and inaudible prayer.
3) By listening — ie, reading his word.

Let’s close in prayer…

I know they say size doesn’t matter, but just look at those glasses. Oh yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Homeslice could see the whole computer screen without moving his head. (Coincidentally, the computer screen at that point was that aforementioned black and white TV. Uh hu, we kicked it old school.)

How did I happen upon this glorious bit of the 80s you might ask? Well, that’s what happens when your Mom starts a blog. So far there are no bathtub photos over there, but it’s probably just a matter of time.

Anyone that knows me personally or professionally knows that in January our house burned down. Many of you know that we’ve had problems getting our house replaced as well. Oddly, while it would seem obvious to blame the insurance company, in this case Auto Owners (our home owners insurance company, I know, funny name for homeowners) has been amazing. Our problems have been with Chase Manhattan. Let me tell you a story about why there isn’t a house in this photo…

How Insurance Claims On House Fires Work

This process wasn’t something I ever considered before, but it turns out it’s a bit complicated if there is a mortgage on the house that burned. It is a 4 step process:

1. The insurance company gets an appraisal of the structure, based on its value just before it actually burned. This is for the dwelling only, not the property, etc.
2. The insurance company cuts a check for that amount to the homeowner AND the mortgage company.
3. The homeowner endorses the check, and sends it to the mortgage company for them to cash and send back to the homeowner to pay the contractor. In our case, thanks to the crappy housing market, our dwelling appraised for a whopping $65,500.
4. Once the house is set, the insurance company cuts another check to the homeowner and mortgage company for the difference in the original check and the actual cost of the house. This is what “replacement insurance” on the dwelling means. I endorse that check, send it to the mortgage company, and they cash and send it back made out to me and the contractor doing the work.

Yes, it’s complicated, but legally that’s what needs to happen. The problem is that Chase won’t release all of the first check to me. Since our house is a modular house, it’s complete when delivered. In fact, my house has been completed for weeks now, and is sitting in a warehouse in Indiana. It can’t be delivered until the contractor has the cash to pay for it.

This might seem hinky. The manufacturer needing COD for a house? But as it turns out, this is the norm. Once the house they built is on private property, they have no legal right to it. So, they insist on getting paid, especially since their job IS done. The problem is that Chase is keeping back half of the first check. This means the contractor (the middleman between me and the housing manufacturer) is expected to pay over $100,000 for a house while only being given roughly $44,000. (See, there was a $12,000 deposit the insurance company paid, plus that first half of the check already sent to the mortgage company).

If people were actually buying houses, the contractor might have enough capital to fund the house while Chase Manhattan dragged their heels. Sadly, no one is buying. No one is building. In fact, here in Michigan, people are moving away because there are no jobs. So that’s what puts us in the current pickle.

• Without the second half of the first check, which Chase Manhattan is holding (and collecting interest on, I’m sure), we are unable to get a house placed on the foundation.
• Without an inspection of the house ON THE FOUDATION, Chase will not release the second check.

See the problem?

Why Chase Manhattan Sucks Like The Tootsie Roll Center of the Galaxy

That was weeks ago. No, really. I’ve been dealing with Chase Manhattan since mid-June trying to figure out a solution to the problem. After hours of phone calls, and supervisors of supervisors, I finally got them to agree to investigate a deviation for us. Mind you, for the past month I’ve been faxing information they requested, getting paperwork notarized (and re-notarized, don’t ask), having my insurance company send explanation letters on company letterhead, etc, etc, etc. Every step takes 48-72 hours. Send a fax? It’s not official for 48-72 hours. Want a call back? 48-72 hours. Waiting for a decision? 48-72 hours.

So now, I’ve reached what seems like the end of my ability. I’ve been the patient customer, holding for literally hours. I’ve been the irate customer, immediately demanding to speak to supervisors by name. I’ve been the annoying customer, and when given a direct line, left multiple messages.

It never does any good. At all. Here is what I’m hoping: That you might help. Lord knows you’ve all helped my family before. I’m only asking here for publicity. If you know someone at Chase, please send them to my blog. If you are on Twitter, please tweet a link if you’re OK with that sort of thing. If you work at Chase, by all means, PLEASE email me. If you are Jamie Dimon, dude, you should know how poorly your company treats its customers.

Here is a list of email addresses. I’m sure they’re not all valid, I just came up with them based on the standard structure for Chase email addresses. They are the names of the company board members, CEO, and some of the managers I’ve spoken with inside Chase. I’m not asking you to email bomb these folks, but feel free to add any addresses in the comments so I can email them as well:

List deleted, since they’ve finally done the right thing!

My house is done. It’s been done for weeks. It would be really nice if the next 48-72 hours actually accomplished something. You have my thanks.

See, while the house you so lovingly destroyed is just about replaced — the little catch 22 you threw into the mix is quite a beauty. The manufacturer won’t release the house until they get paid, and the escrow company won’t release the money until they inspect the house. I’m sure you see the problem, and I suspect you planned it this way. Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know I’ve adopted a supermassive black hole. Oh, it will take some time, but ol’ Blackey will eventually suck all your belongings into nothingness.

If you’d like to work things out, I’ll be in my basement. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to see me — there’s no house covering it. I’ll be down there burning ants. Feel free to put on your ant costume and come for a visit.

Sincerely,
Your buddy and pal,
Shawn Powers

Sadly, before the double moon set on the harvest celebration, Lagoria and Lizzanthia were on a photo hunt with their new fairies and fell upon a fierce dragon. Excited to get sketches of the dragon, both girls sent their trembling fairies after the dragon as it retreated into its cave. The girls stayed safely outside the cave, but knew that since fairies can’t be burned by dragon flame, the sketches they would get would be lovely.

And they were.

The sketches were magnificent. Everyone from miles around was shocked and amazed at how detailed the sketches were. Why, even the corners of the canvases were scorched, and the sulfur-laced smoke could still be smelled as if the viewer was deep within the dragon’s cave. In fact, it was so full of realism, the girls were forced to keep the sketches outside so the family wouldn’t choke from the smoke!

The problem came when the girls took their fairies out on another photo hunt. While fairies can’t be harmed by dragon fire, they aren’t immune to dragon magic. So while the fairies continued to sketch for the girls, every sketch smelled like fire and brimstone, and every sketch contained the likeness of the dragon himself. See for yourself!

So now, the girls borrow their mother’s Sketch Fairy from time to time, but apart from that have no way to record the beauty of the realm. They hope someday to be gifted with the Pink Camera of Sweetness and Light so they can once again capture their world without the taint of dragon. Until that day, the Sketch Fairies will live in agony, knowing they can not make Lagoria and Lizzanthia smile.

The End. (Or is it?)

So, whether I’m talking about my latest escapades with weight loss and exercise, explaining why charcoal grilling is the only real grilling (Hank Hill can disagree all he wants), or speaking geek over at Linux Journal (I’m horribly behind on blogging and videos over there) — I expect in the near future you will hear more from me.

And stuff has been happening. It’s just that you don’t know about it. If you follow me on Twitter you know more than some people — but really I’ve been pretty silent for half a year or so.

Can you believe it’s been that long since our house burned down? Dang.

Anyway this post serves 2 purposes:

1. To prepare the world for the tomfoolery I’ll likely spew upon it, and
2. To commit to actually returning to life as I used to know it. Saying it publicly kinda makes me a jerk if I don’t follow through.

So, how have you been?

And it’s a free market. So that’s OK.

The thing that fascinates me is just how much obsession and fanaticism Apple gets from their fans. It’s creepy. One look at the coverage of the iPhone 4 release day will show you just how loyal/crazy/creepy people are about Apple products. I don’t get it, and for that I’m rather thankful.

Ick factor aside, however, imagine if Apple wielded its forces for something that would benefit humanity. Imagine if all opening day iPhone purchasers had to donate $20 to fight cancer. (C’mon, they have disposable income to work with…) Or better yet, what if Apple donated $20 for every iPhone they sold on opening day. We KNOW they have some excess profits that day.

Whether you love Apple or hate them, you have to admit they do something right when it comes to keeping loyal fans. Until they go bonkers that is…

I didn’t want a dog. Really. I didn’t want to housebreak a puppy, I didn’t want to worry about feeding and caring for a dog every day. I didn’t want to find a dog sitter every time we left town. Dogs were messy, stinky, hairy, and stressful. That day so many years ago when the girls were staring over the fence next to the church, and gawking at puppies, it was very clear to everyone we were NOT getting one. Still, puppies are cute, so I walked over to the pen myself in order to gather my girls and look at the clumsy little pups as all the kids from church reached through the fence to pet their noses.

When I got to the fence, I saw just what I expected. Sure enough, there were puppies gathered at the fence, stepping on each other to get closer to the children that were giving them affection (and possibly crumbs of cookie still stuck on their fingers from Sunday School.) What I didn’t expect to see was a puppy halfway to the fence laying spread eagle and wagging his stub of a tail, but not coming over to get scritched. I thought perhaps he was shy, or scared, or that he had just eaten so much food that he ran out of gas on the way over to the kids. Moments later, however, I saw the problem.

All the pups had slight neurological problems, and walked a bit more awkward than a normal clumsy puppy. I hadn’t noticed before, but realized it after looking for a while. This pup, however, was much much worse. He had spent the 15 minutes or so since church got out trying to get over to the fence, but had only made it halfway before collapsing from exhaustion. His back legs couldn’t quite support his weight, and try as he might, he never made it over to the giddy children. It was in that heartbreaking moment of realization that Tigger became my dog. Honestly, I didn’t even know it yet, but looking back — it was that moment.

I jumped the fence, decked out in my Sunday best, and walked over to the squirmy puppy. Since he was unable to walk, he was covered in mud (and probably other things), but I picked him up anyway. I wish I could describe the joy that little puppy showed when I picked him up. There are some amazing joyful times in life for people: The birth of a child, scoring the winning point in a game, marrying your spouse — but in the life of a dog, I don’t think it’s possible to be more happy than Tigger was at that moment.

I carried him out of the gate, over to our van, and into our lives.

Looking back, it seems like a rather bold move for me to make, introducing a dog, especially a crippled dog, into our house without talking to Donna about it. I don’t recall her ever questioning me though. We took him home, cleaned him up, and let him play in the front yard with the girls. It was that day he got his name. See, Tigger wasn’t strong enough to walk, but when he tried, his back legs would bounce his butt up and down. He didn’t walk, but he sure could bounce! Thus, Tigger was his name.

That summer proved to be quite challenging for Tigger. The vet told us he would probably never walk right. He had about a 3/4″ overbite, bad legs, he shook constantly, and had possible brain damage — but his brain didn’t appear to be swollen, and he wasn’t in any pain. The best we could do would be to walk him often and strengthen his back legs so he could get around.

Yes, house training a dog that can’t walk is a challenge. Thankfully, since he constantly shook, Tigger liked to sleep wedged between the couch and the wall to help hold still. We knew when to take him outside, because as he came out from behind the couch, he would bang against the wall as he tried to get up. “THUMP THUMP THUMP!” It was time to carry Tigger outside to do his business.

Every day we would walk and walk with Tigger. At first he would only make it to the end of the driveway before collapsing, but as days turned into weeks he was able to go for short walks. We’d generally walk him as far as we could get him to go, and then I’d carry him on the way back home. The bigger and stronger (and heavier and harder to carry!) he got, the further he was able to go. We started tying his leash to the stroller, and he would pull the girls along on our walk. It was good for him, and the girls though it was awesome. Summertime sled dog!

While he had a taste for garbage (not so much in his older years), and he liked tangling with skunks (actually more often the older he got), Tigger was the best dog I could ever imagine having. He spent almost a year sequestered from the family due to an undiagnosed thyroid problem, which caused a constant nasty skin infection. But his last days were spent with the freedom to roam around the house again. He lived longer than the vets ever expected, and almost fully overcame his leg problems. Tigger had a funny little limp when he ran, but he was able to run and play throughout most of his life.

Sadly, Tigger was in the house when it burned in January. When I opened the front door to search for the animals, I found him, already gone right by the front door. With all the grown up responsibilities, duties to perform, children to care for, home to provide — I’ve never really taken the time to think about Tigger. My dog. My friend. My loyal companion.

So Tigger, it breaks my heart that you’re gone. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. And while your passing rips out my heart, I can honestly say that even though I’m typing this through the blur of tears — that look on your face when I picked you up after church all those years ago makes my pain bearable. Thanks for being there for me, when I didn’t even know I needed you.

If you think an awesome grill would have propane fire, quite frankly you don’t know the awesomeness that is charcoal. Here you can see me with my ninja cooking utensils and my chimney starter full of burning briquettes. (If you don’t have a chimney starter, go buy one. You’ll be thankful you did.)

Just out of frame is a bowl of soaking hickory chips. I debated whether to use hickory or mesquite, but since it’s the beginning of summer, I figure I can alternate all year. Because really there’s no wrong answer. Mmmmmm…

I hope your weekend is half as good as mine. I’d wish it to be as awesome, but I fear you might explode.

Then the day got better. I sent an email to the staff at school, and even on a holiday weekend — I got a couple replies with good fishing spots in the area!

And THEN it got even BETTER! My family went to a graduation open house (Hi Kari!) and afterward our kids didn’t want to leave. We found them rides, and Donna and I went out for ice cream and a walk around town. It was the closest thing to a date we’ve had in months, and it was extremely awesome.

AND THEN Donna agreed to go two tracking with me to try finding the remote fishing spot, which Google is showing off in the photo above. The road was deep, loose sand — and we almost got stuck! Thankfully we didn’t, but it was just scary enough to be exciting.

Granted, I didn’t get any work done today. Granted I’m way behind. But it’s also a holiday weekend, and the first day off I’ve taken since before I can remember.

I hope YOUR day was as awesome as mine, but honestly, it doesn’t seem possible.

Pretend.

Yep, that’s right, just pretend. Pretend you’re having a great day. Pretend it’s fun. Pretend Monday’s insidious thorns are cute, but nothing to ruin a day. Smile at everyone. Be silly. Walk with a limp for no reason. Talk like a pirate. Tape M&M’s to your face. Whatever you do, pretend you’re having fun. Because here’s the secret: You will.

And remember, tomorrow is Tuesday.

Don’t worry, I’m not getting suicidal or anything — I’m just swinging precariously at the end of my sanity rope. (Yes yes, there’s an argument to made as to whether I ever had that rope to begin with…) See the problem isn’t so much with the pain, it’s with the consequences. Spending 60 hours a week with a headache so bad you can’t function (or at least not well) takes its toll on other aspects of a person’s life.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I kept up with my early-adulthood trend of doing jobs that were manual labor type. But I went and started using my brain. So all those things I need to get done can’t be done by a temp. That sucks. I’m not brilliant or anything, but I have unique and specialized skills. Ah, notoriety, thou art a heartless wench.

Friggen migraine. Ok, I’m off to go take another prescription assault on my liver. If you know any zombies, send them my way. I think my brain might be a bitter, bitter snack, but I’m fed up with it myself.

Why am I confident our girls will turn out OK? Quite honestly there are many reasons. One, we really won the lottery when it comes to progeny, and the 3 girls are fine examples of human beings. That means they are good little lumps of clay. That also means they need to be molded. While I don’t claim to be a great parent, I think we’ve done pretty good so far. The next decade will really tell the story, but I wanted to share some insight at this point. Perhaps I’ll look back at this and bitterly laugh at myself, but even if that’s the case, I doubt I’d change anything in the past.

Discipline and Punishment are Not the Same Thing

Donna and I are strict disciplinarians. We were even more strict when the kids were younger (seriously). Being strict when your kids are young means that you earn credibility early on. You earn respect. You earn trust. If there is one thing I wish I could convince young parents it is that discipline is not mean. Children crave discipline, whether they know it or not. Ask any decent sports coach. A team with discipline is a more effective, and happier team.

But here’s the rub: Discipline is hard. I’m no Dr. Spock, but if you think discipline is just punishing a child when they misbehave, Ur doin it rong. Discipline is an elaborate dance involving consistency, firmness, fairness, and most of all, communication. No, life isn’t fair — but as parents, you certainly ought to be!

Kids are Smart. They’re Immature Sometimes, but Smart.

There is a drastic difference between a child that is angry at you for punishing them, and a child that thinks you are incorrect for punishing them. No, you can’t always convince a child they need to be punished, but if you’re open with them, they’re more likely to respect your reasoning.

The funny thing about discipline and consistency is that if you explain to your child why you’re punishing them — even if they vehemently disagree, they’ll understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. Very often, if you don’t punish them, you lose all credibility. Again, even if they don’t admit or realize it, kids like discipline.

Put Away the Shotgun.

The strong father figure cleaning his shotgun is fine. Really. I have no problem with putting the fear of God into a young man as he’s given the responsibility of caring for the father’s daughter. For me, however, I’d look absurd cleaning a shotgun. Guns aren’t my thing. Oh, I’m intimidating, and any boy will tremble before he takes out my daughters — but my weapon of choice is psychology. Your mileage may differ.

Here’s the thing though, you can be as scary as you want, your daughter is the one that will ultimately make choices on how the evening goes. There is nothing more formidable than a confident young lady that trusts and respects her parents, knowing they trust and respect her in return. Let me repeat that, as it’s so vital, there is nothing more formidable than a confident young lady that trusts and respects her parents, knowing they trust and respect her in return. Sure, I can be the muscle, but it’s her life, she has to be the brains.

And with that, I’m going to go talk to my kids. You should do the same. (Not my kids, but you know what I mean…)

I’m doing my TMI-ing on Twitter. Feel free to join me. I’m using the #TMI hashtag. It should be fun, like that time I peed on an anthill, and while I wasn’t looking, urine-covered ants crawled up my leg leaving little damp trails. #TMI

• The interface is the best Netflix interface I’ve used yet. It’s easy to navigate your queue, similar titles, recent additions to the streaming library, etc.
• Activating your Wii is painless, and done online. (Like the PS3 and Roku) No need to try typing your email address and password into the Wii.
• For those of you that have a hacked Wii with a USB drive for storing games — good news, the Netflix disk rips quickly, and runs from USB with no problems whatsoever.

So basically, I have a Netflix disk for a Wii if anyone wants to use it. AND, I suspect you’ll be able to download the Netflix Wii ISO from nefarious sites everywhere shortly. Heck, if you twist my arm I might rip it myself. (But I’ll never admit it online, because that would be RONG. )

And now? Back to work… ttfn

UPDATE: Wow, look, a fancy download link for a WiiNetflix.iso file. I’m not claiming to be responsible, but, um… Yeah. You can trust the link.

UPDATE THE SECOND: Yes, it’s only 37MB compressed. It expands to 4.7GB. Also, contrary to popular belief, I’m not a douche.

UPDATE THE LAST: You don’t need an ISO file anymore, there is a Netflix channel. If you need to install the new shopping channel so you can download Netflix, but don’t want to update your system, check out THIS LINK. Cheers!

The house we’re putting up in its place will be bigger, and sport a half basement. Here’s the floorplan:

The basement will only be rough plumbed, and we’ll finish it in the future. We plan to eventually have a kitchenette, bedroom, and bathroom down there, along with a media center. Since this house will cost about $50K-$60K more than insurance will pay, we’re going to be scrimping everywhere we can…

Anyway, just wanted to update everyone! Hope you’re having a great day.

The most interesting part, sadly, hasn’t been the content — but rather my inability to handle the huge mobs of people. If you’ve known me for a while, you know that after my car accident it was difficult for me to be in crowds of people. That’s still largely the case, but I don’t seem to have that problem at Linux conferences. I thought, foolishly, that perhaps I was outgrowing my issues with crowded rooms. As it turns out, Linux conferences for me are more like public speaking, even if I’m not actually speaking…

If “how brains work” doesn’t interest you at all, you may want to bail on this blog post now. HERE is a great link that will make you laugh away any guilt you may have for leaving early. Really. I don’t mind.

It turns out people with difficulties dealing with large crowds (I’m sure there is some long “phobia” for the condition) can often speak to a crowd of people without that anxiety being a problem. It seems strange, but I can attest to the fact that speaking in front of a crowd is very different than being a part of the crowd. While speaking in front of crowds is certainly stressful for many people, for some reason it’s much less difficult for me to speak to 1,000 people than to sit in chairs next to 1,000 people listening to someone else speak.

For a while I was concerned that it was an ego thing. Maybe it ultimately is, but for some reason I just seem uncomfortable in large crowds of people unless I’m the center of attention. See, it sounds horrible doesn’t it?!?!? At Linux conferences, I’m certainly not usually the center of attention, but since I’m there representing something bigger than myself (Linux Journal), it seems a bit more like I’m one of the circus acts people are there to see.

So here I am sitting in the car in the parking lot. I needed a break from the crowd. Feel free to draw your own conclusions on my anxiety issues and how they pertain to my ego. Judge me. Be sickened by me. Call me a jerk. But please, if I’m at your conference, make me dance like a monkey. Apparently it soothes me.

Photo credit to vividbreeze on Flickr

But I’m to the point I can laugh.

So I call that a win. Let’s recap, just for fun. I’m not whining, rather I’m just listing in awe the first few months of this beast:

• I developed some serious migraine issues. Hospital. Butt shots. Yeah, still sorta have that, and it sucks.
• My house burned down.
• My house burned down. (Yeah I already listed it, but c’mon — my HOUSE BURNED DOWN)
• Our pets all passed away in the fire.
• I inhaled the smoke, and ended up with pneumonia.
• The doctor and I failed to make contact regarding test results, so I never got antibiotics. I developed super pneumonia. Trust me, that’s not a super power.
• Mid-super-pneumonia, I got the flu. I called it flumonia, which didn’t really make it better, but at least it was a funny word.
• I really thought I was going to die with flumonia.
• On a return trip from LA, my flight (the one following a red-eye) was canceled. I slept on the floor next to an old bag of Cheetos.
• The computer we’ve been taking home inventory on decided the hard drive should quit working. It didn’t consult me first.
• This past weekend, I ate sushi. I bought the sushi from a grocery store. I may not have looked at the date it was made on. I sorta got food poisoning.
• And, right now, I’m beginning to get a headache.

2010: BITE ME.

Also, I think the extra day should be Friday. Face it, the first day back from the weekend (regardless of duration) will stink. Monday already has that stink about it, so let’s leave it alone. Think of all the good we’ll do…

• If everyone stayed home from work on Friday, that would be a 20% reduction in carbon emissions for the workday commute. TWENTY PERCENT. Looking at it that way, it almost seems sinful to go to work 5 days a week.
• With every weekend being a 3 day weekend, the regional tourist industry would be booming! Think about it, everyone could take a mini-vacation (walking of course, so as not to nullify bullet point the first), and we’d create jobs for workers in the tourist industry! (I’m looking at you, northern Michigan…)
• Saturday would no longer be the only perfect day. See, now, Saturday is the only day you can both sleep in AND stay up late. With my Four Tens plan, Friday and Saturday could be perfect weekend days!
• It’s the next logical progression to my ultimate plan… Three Twelves.

So, my fellow Earth dwellers — let’s take a stand. I say, save the planet! Four Tens for Two Thousand Twelve! (That will be my presidential slogan. Vote for Shawn!)

1) Do you have “dress” t-shirts?

By that I mean t-shirts you treat as more formal attire than you do the mountains of t-shirts we have for sleeping, painting, dog washing, etc. Personally I do. I have lots of t-shirts in a drawer, but I also have my “dress” t-shirts that get hung on hangers. For example, my vintage Green Lantern shirt gets a hanger, while the t-shirt from the local physical therapy place (which they handed out during a parade) gets folded and shoved in a drawer. That brings me to my next question:

2) Do you hang or fold t-shirts? Or both? Or neither?

3) Are you OK with a cotton/poly blend t-shirt, or are you only truly happy with 100% cotton?

For me, I’m only truly happy with 100% cotton — but if the shirt is awesome enough, I’ll wear a poly/cotton blend. I might put a cotton shirt under it though.

And lastly:

4) If you could wear a t-shirt to work every day, would you?

I totally would. I already wear my Converse All-Stars 7 days a week, if I could add blue jeans and t-shirts to the “every day” mix — I would do it in a heartbeat.

So that’s my question for your Saturday evening. Feel free to include a story about your favorite t-shirt. I haven’t had any long enough (post fire) to have a favorite, but I’m rather fond of my superhero shirts. Which reminds me… I still have to get one of those root superhero shirts.

One of the big problems with loving what you do, is that you tend to do too much. Really. Take me for instance, I have 3 jobs, all of which could easily be full time jobs. Sadly, I’m not doing a great job at any of them.

If you’re like me (God help you), and are a creative type person that loves what he does — you have more ideas than you have time to realize them. You probably also have more work than you can do, because you love the work you do, so you tend to take on too much. Take it from someone in the middle of such a scenario: DO MORE WITH LESS.

No, I’m not talking financially here, I’m talking time-wise. Do what you do, and do it REALLY well. Don’t cut corners so you can add a new project. Don’t over-commit because the new project is totally worthwhile. If the new project is that amazing, maybe replace something in your life with it rather than add to your existing schedule. Because here’s a secret: The new thing will replace something in your life. That “thing” it replaces may be the quality you produce in your current job. It may be sleep. It may be time with your family. Unfortunately, you won’t likely get to pick — it’ll just happen.

Really, you get to pick between doing a few things really well, or a bunch of things poorly. Perhaps on the next issue of Brainhacker, I’ll be able to tell you how to eliminate important things from your life. For now, I just urge you to stop before it’s too late.

Why Would I Hack My Wii?

There are many reasons to hack your Wii. There are many reasons not to as well. Let’s talk about them first.

DON’T HACK YOUR WII IF:

• You are afraid you might brick it. I’ve never bricked a Wii, but you never know. It could happen, and you might not be able to fix it. You could have a $200 boat anchor. (Or a Christmas gift for someone you don’t like.)
• You are afraid people will think you’re a pirate. They will. Even if you’re not. (And, you probably will be — it’s VERY tempting.)
• You are afraid of spending a few hours with a Wii, a TV, and a computer with an SD card reader. The process is long and complicated. There’s probably an easy way, but I don’t know it, and don’t think I’d trust it.
• DON’T HACK YOUR WII IF you haven’t asked your spouse. Or kids. Or the owner of the Wii. That pretty much goes for any potentially destructive behavior, but you know, it goes for Wii hacking too.

DO HACK YOUR WII IF:

• Your house recently burned down, and all the disks you bought are now forever ruined by flame, smoke, and heat. With a hacked Wii, you can get your games back without waiting the 6 months the insurance company will take to process your claim.
• Ok, admittedly that is a rare circumstance, but dog gone it, a valid one.
• You want to store your games on a hard drive, because DVDs are so 2004.
• You want to play video DVDs in the Wii. Because really, what’s up with that Nintendo?
• You want to play videos, movies, or show pictures on the TV over the network, or from local USB/SD drives. You know, like XBMC but not quite as cool.
• You’d like to watch Netflix streaming videos on your television spending only $40 on the PlayOn software instead of $80 for a Roku.
• You wanna be a dirty filthy pirate, and download games off the Internet, and play them without paying, thus robbing the makers of video games of their profits, and likely causing a cataclysmic breakdown of our economy. Again.
• Or you can hack your Wii because you wanna be like me. Seriously though, if that’s your goal, just learn to do the eyebrow thing. It’s cheaper.

The Basic Steps

Remember when I said it was a long process? Yeah, it totally is. The frustrating thing is that links will die, information will get outdated, and versions will be changed by the time you attempt to do any hacking. So I’m going to be vague enough that you should be able to find the current stuff, and not depend on me for copy/paste instructions. You’re gonna learn darn it! But like G.I. Joe says, “Knowing is half the battle.” So, you know, there’s that to comfort you. Here are the basic steps, which I’ll elaborate on later.

1. Do something awesome, which you’ll likely never understand, and overflow Wii buffers and stuff. Look, if you were smart enough to know how these things work, you wouldn’t be reading this blog entry. Just stand back and be awed like me. Basically, you have your Wii load a “bannerbomb”, which kinda crashes the system, and then starts whatever program you want afterwards. It’s super sweet.
2. Remember that Wii we just bannerbombed? Yeah, we’re gonna then load a program that will load boot code onto the Wii itself, so that we don’t have to run the bannerbomb program every time we start up our console. Because really, the wow factor will wear off, and the hacker that came up with it deserves our awe.
3. Then we’ll install the Homebrew Channel. Ok, to be honest, that program I talked about in step 2 will install the Homebrew Channel for us. Why you ask? Well, because the Homebrew Channel is the reason we hack a Wii in the first place. It’s where all the awesome programs live.
4. Yay! We have the Homebrew Channel! Unfortunately, it’s just a blank screen with nothing inside. We’ll change that by adding cool programs. Unfortunately, those first couple “cool programs” will be cryptic, weird programs that make little sense. We’ll use terms like IOS249, and Trucha Bug Restorer. You will feel as though you’re in over your head. In fact, you may be. That’s OK though, it’s not as bad as it seems. Just close to as bad as it seems.
5. We will likely celebrate now. Because really, that last step sucked.
6. Now we load a few cool Homebrew programs onto the SD card. Did I mention an SD card before? Oh, well we’ll have an SD card. You’ll be swapping it back and forth a lot. By this point, it won’t even annoy you anymore.
7. Depending on how much you want to quit, or how young your kids are, you might just start loading games onto your external USB drive now. Or, you might want to make shortcuts (or “forwarders”) to your homebrew programs right on the main screen of your Wii. All the cool kids are doing it, so you might as well too. It’s actually pretty easy.
8. By this time, the Wii is pretty much hacked. You probably won’t want to touch it for a few days, because you’re friggen tired of the thing. Your friends and family will play with it like crazy though, and never truly appreciate how much work you put into it. Oh, and they’ll all ask you how you did it. Feel free just to point them here though. You don’t have to do it for them. Once you do all this work, you’ll say, “You’re going to learn darn it!” — again, just like me…

You Need Stuff, So Get It

You didn’t read any of that stuff did you? DID YOU? Go back and read it now. There is a secret password you’ll need to go any further. Come back here when you’re done.

Good, glad to see you back. Yeah, I totally lied about that secret password. I just wanted you to read the whole thing. Deal. First you need to gather and prepare a few items:

• An SD Card. I suggest it be 2GB, but anything 2GB or less is fine. I wouldn’t go below 512MB though, because you’re going to be keeping stuff on it. Maybe a lot of stuff. Oh, and make sure it’s formatted with a FAT filesystem. Not FAT32.
• An SD Card reader for your computer. And hey, all you people thinking your 4GB SD card will be twice as good as a 2GB card? Yeah, you follow directions for crap. A 4GB card or bigger will give you lots of problems. Maybe. It’s not worth it man, just get a 2GB card. They’re super cheap.
• Um, a Wii. Yes. You should have a Wii if you’re going to be hacking a Wii. Just sayin.

Over 1000 Words Later, We Begin

First, boot up your Wii and see what version the firmware is. Generally, you want to leave it alone. As a last resort, you may have to update the firmware to the most recent version, but keep in mind Nintendo does not want you to hack your Wii, and they work hard to keep it from working. Once you know your firmware version, you’ll know how to proceed. It’s super simple:

1. Click the Wii options button.
2. Click Wii Settings
3. Look in the upper right hand corner of the screen. There it is.
4. If that was confusing, someone made a video of what to do here. Go watch it, then come back.

Remember that number. Maybe write it down or something. Ok, the next step will be done on your computer. Grab your 2GB or smaller FAT formatted SD card, and put it into your card reader. Now head on over to http://bannerbomb.qoid.us/ and follow the appropriate link. You’ll end up downloading a zip file, extracting it to your SD card, and ending up with a folder called “private” on there, with stuff inside. That’s the magic, awesome thing I talked about earlier. That will basically load any program you put on the SD card named “boot.elf” — so lets put something useful on there, shall we?

There’s a really neat program called “HackMii” that installs 3 very useful things onto your Wii. It installs:

1. BootMii, which yes, is a cheesy name, but it replaces the boot code on your Wii or something, and allows you to back up system bits, etc.
2. DVDx — this allows your Wii to play video DVDs. Because really, why doesn’t it do that anyway?
3. HBC — this is the “Homebrew Channel” I keep talking about, home of all things mystical and wonderful.

It will install these things directly off the Internet for you, so you’ll have the latest version. Pretty cool, eh? Go here to download it (as of this writing, it’s version 0.6 or something): http://bootmii.org/download.

So you download that program, unzip it, and copy the boot.elf file to the root (top) directory of your SD card. So you should have 2 things on that now, the folder called “private” (with stuff in it), and a file called “boot.elf” — if you do, you’re ready to actually hack. SWEET.

Hack It Like a Gibson!

If you thought that scene from Hackers was even remotely realistic, you’re not allowed on my blog anymore. Go away.

Good, you’re still here. Ok, basically you now follow the directions from the bannerbomb site to load the boot.elf file. The directions are slightly different depending on what version of firmware you have. It’s not hard. Go back and read the site. Basically you either go to “Data Management”, and “Channels”, and “SD Card” if you have a pre-4.2 firmware. Otherwise, if you have 4.2, you click on the SD card on the main Wii screen. There, I did the work for you.

You should get a message like “Do you want to load boot.dol?” and you say yes. Even if you would rather eat an ice cream sundae, you still click yes. Or load. Or continue. I don’t remember what the affirmation dialog is, but look, you got this far, you want to load the program. So just do it.

Now you’re going to do 3 things. You’re going to install BootMii, DVDx, and The Homebrew Channel. It’s pretty straightforward. Really. You just install them. If you don’t want to install BootMii, that’s fine. I’m pretty sure you can just install the Homebrew Channel and DVDx. The thing about BootMii is that it allows you to back up your NAND, and possibly unbrick your bricked Wii if you brick it. Not that you will. But you know, just in case. You can also use this method to uninstall these 3 programs if you get in trouble for messing with your sister’s Wii later on.

What? It’s too hard? You’re confused? Well, it turns out the folks over at LifeHacker love you more than I do, and they made a (slightly outdated but still useful) tutorial, and they even included pictures. It’s right here. You can go over there to get that part done if you like. If you don’t like pictures, or Lifehacker filed a restraining order against you, there’s a different article over on wikidot. It has fewer pictures, but it’s just as good. Then come back, because I have more goodies to teach you. Things Lifehacker doesn’t cover.

OK, My Wii is Hacked. Am I Cool Now?

I have no idea. If your self esteem and cool factor is based on the current state of your Wii — it’s likely you’re not cool, and no amount of hacking will help. But your Wii? Yeah, your Wii is pretty cool. Let’s make it awesometastic.

To be clear, you could install some homebrew apps now, and brag you have a hacked Wii. Because you do. The problem is, you have sort of a sucky hacked Wii. The biggest thing you need to do is install IOS249. What is IOS249 you ask? I have no friggen clue. I don’t really care either. It’s something you need in order to let your Wii access things like USB drives. (You might also need IOS222/223, but I’ll touch on that later)

One of the really pain in the butt things, is that Nintendo doesn’t want you to do things like this. So they make it really hard. Thankfully, people smarter than me have outlined it really well. Read the awesome article entitled, “IOS249 – How To Get Started, Even If You’re Really Dumb.” Told ya it was a good article…

This Is Starting To Suck, Are We Done Yet?

Almost. You might have noticed the link on the bottom of that last article that talked about a HERMES IOS222/223 thing. You probably want to install that too. Why? Well, because it will allow your Wii to read a wider variety of USB drives, and give you more possibilities when things don’t go right. And really, you want to get this over with, don’t you?

If you missed that link, it’s right here. Yes, you’re absolutely right, you didn’t need my blog entry at all. You could have just googled all this on your own. But you didn’t. What does that say about you? Well, based on how long I had to google to come up with the right directions, it says you’re smarter than me. Your punishment for being smarter is listening to me monologue like this. It could be worse, I could have made a video and made you listen to me sing.

OK, now you’re cool. Let’s play games and stuff.

By now, you probably understand that in order to install stuff in your Homebrew Channel, you make a folder inside the /apps folder on the SD card, and then put the program in there, and name it boot.dol. Let me suggest a few programs to get you going:

• Homebrew Browser — This is a neat program that allows you to install, upgrade, and uninstall a wide variety of applications right from your Wii. No more moving the SD card over to your computer. Sadly, it doesn’t have every program, but it does have a lot.
• Mplayer_CE — this is an awesome video player. It plays pretty much everything, including files on remote Windows or SMB shares. You’ll need to configure the config file on the SD card after installing if you want to play from network shares, but it’s pretty easy. It’s available in the Homebrew Browser, but as a warning — I had to use version .75, as the current version (as of this writing) is .76, and it wouldn’t load. You can download older version from their website if needed.
• USB Loader GX — There are other USB loaders, but this is my favorite. It will download cover art for you, rip DVDs for you, and allow you to tweak stuff if games (Wii Sports Resort…) don’t work right.

See? That wasn’t bad. You have a totally hacked Wii. You are awesome. You can brag. BUT… If you want to be SUPER cool, you can install forwarders for a few of the programs you access often (like USB Loader GX).

Forwarders, For People That Are Too Cool To Click Homebrew First

This is another thing I don’t totally understand, but it’s not hard to use. Install the WAD Manager. Apparently “WADs” are the things that appear on the main Wii screen. I don’t know. I don’t really care. When you install the WAD Manager, you are able to install WAD files. Go figure. On that website for USB Loader GX, they have a forwarder WAD to download. You basically install it with the WAD Manager, and it magically appears on the main screen. TADA! It’s really simple. The big thing is finding the forwarder for the program you want to add to the main screen. (Forwarders come as WAD files… are you still with me?)

Here is a link to the USB Loader GX forwarder. Read that page. If you don’t understand the difference between installing a forwarder or installing a channel, don’t worry. I don’t either. Just install the forwarder, it works well.

Here is the info on the forwarder for Mplayer CE that I use. Unfortunately, I had to sign up for the forum in able to get access to the download links. That really ticked me off. If you want to use this forwarder, but don’t want to sign up — here is a direct link to the file. You’re welcome.

I Don’t Care If I’m Cool Anymore, Am I Done?

Yeah. That’s pretty much it. You’ll probably want to tweak the config file for Mplayer CE to point it to your windows shares for playing network videos. You might also want to install the Internet Channel on your Wii, and then install PlayOn on your Windows machine so you can watch Netflix streaming — but that doesn’t require any hacking, it’s just pretty cool. You probably also want to download a WBFS program so you can manage games you illegally downloaded and put them on your external USB drive so you can load them with USB Loader GX. And if you’re not a pirate, you probably want to attach an empty USB drive so you can rip your legally owned games onto your hard drive. USB Loader GX does that for you, and it’s pretty sweet.

If you have any questions, just leave a comment. I’ll try to answer. Really though, I’ll probably just make you google your questions — because that’s all I’ll do. I’m not really that smart, I just have good googling skills. You should too. This is 2010 man, you should be able to search on the Internet. And now? GO PLAY A GAME!

NOTE: There are probably typos that I’ll fix later. I have to go to work, and y’all wanted me to post this, so consider this post a Release Candidate. Also, standard disclaimer about ruining your Wii, your life, etc. I’m not responsible. I think you should sell your Wii and become Amish. That’s my recommendation.

• Our community is pretty conservative, so graphic alien on alien action is likely a deal breaker.
• Please don’t recommend a book that is in the middle of a series. Recommend the whole series. Seriously, my OCD can’t handle that nonsense.
• Newer authors are encouraged. The classics are certainly not to be left out, but really — we want to introduce kids to new authors as well.
• I think that’s it!

So please, leave your thoughts in the comments. Also, if you know anyone that would have an opinion on the issue, please pass a link along. I’m really hoping to get a good list together for her. Thank you!

* I’ve had this notion that I couldn’t write fiction. It seemed somehow “different” than writing non-fiction or journalism stuff. See, with fiction you need a plot, a storyline, characters, climaxes (that word still makes me giggle, sorry), and resolutions. It’s so easy to worry about telling a good story that you never end up telling a story at all. Here’s the skinny: If you tell a good story, it has all those things. Yes, you can tweak, improve, modify, learn — but really, if you just tell a story, the elements fall into place. Because that’s what a good story is.

* I spent all of NaNoWriMo 2008 fumbling over point of view. Really. It’s sad. I never got to telling a story because I was worried about who was telling the story, what they knew, what parts of speech they used, and if the reader was omniscient or not. See? Insanity.

* Everyone says it, but I’ll reiterate. Because it’s good advice: JUST WRITE. It’s OK to suck. Vacuums do. Black holes do. Tornadoes do. Heck, even mosquitoes do a little bit. The point is, just write. Take this blog post: It’s not great. But hey, that’s not stopping me from clicking publish. MWaahahahahahhaaaa.

My point is, find your voice. Your voice is what makes you distinct. Wanna be a writer? Write. Now.

Cat photo by dolorix

This was the first thing we saw when the door was opened. Our new washer and dryer, completely white, were blackened and filthy looking.

For a contrast on how the house used to be, I moved a rug that was sitting on the kitchen floor. The white is the color everything used to be — now it’s all pitch black. It’s baked into every surface, and can’t be scraped away.

This photo is hard to make out, but here on the left is the remains of a bedroom floor. on the right is a gaping hole to the crawlspace below. This room completely burned, without even floor joists left in the center.

Just an example of the “alternate reality” appearance, here is our shower stall with shampoo in place, yet horrid looking.

Same with the (white) bathroom counter. This is where the girls primped and curled their hair for church, hours later it was converted to what you see here.

A rather disturbing image is the playroom. These are toys my niece just got for Christmas. The photo doesn’t really show just how black the black is.

Oddly, this hand-painted piece (a Christmas gift from a family friend) is seemingly unharmed. While you can’t tell from the photo, everything around it is completely black and stained. This bright orange painting is like a beacon in the center of destruction.

And lastly, blackened, slightly burned, yet still accurate. The sign that hangs above our hallway reads, “As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.”

Dear Webkinz,

My name is Shawn Powers, I’m an editor at Linux Journal, a Technology Director at a school district in Northern Michigan, and a father of 3 girls. I fully understand your account policy regarding forgotten passwords, but I’m hoping there is some way we can work together so my daughter can access her account again.

Last Sunday, my family lost our house to a fire while we were at church. While no one was home, unfortunately our dogs and cat were trapped inside and perished. To add additional pain to misery, when we were able to get laptops for the kids to use — our youngest was unable to log into her webkinz account. Apparently she had recently changed her password, but she remembered it incorrectly. Since the only way to recover a password is with a secret code, which burned in the fire, not only has Lizzie lost her real pets, but also her virtual ones.

I can provide every reference, recommendation, professional contact, identification, history, etc. that you might want. I just want to give my daughter a little bit of the “home” she lost. I realize it would go against your policy, but even if you can change her password back to what it was before her most recent change — that would likely do the trick.

Her login is: HIDDEN
She thought her password was: HIDDEN
She says the password before that was: HIDDEN

If her recollection of the animals in her account will help verify it’s really her, I can ask her to describe them to me.

Thank you for any help you can offer,
-Shawn Powers

If you know anyone at Ganz, please send ‘em my way.

UPDATE: She got her account back! Thanks everyone!

I also know none of you are offended or put off that we’ve been largely silent as unprecedented physical and emotional needs have been filled beyond capacity. I know (because so many of you have told me) that you don’t want me to think about relaying our gratitude, expressing our thanks, or worrying about slighting someone in their well-deserved pat on the back. And again, it’s because you are responding in that way I feel even more compelled to do so! For the time being, I will accept your advice though. I get to spend the rest of my life returning kindness and caring — and even though I doubt I’ll be able to tip that balance back to even, that’s sort of the point of it. I get it. Part of being so humbled by experiences like this is allowing (or even forcing) yourself to actually be humble. I can’t make this up to everyone. So my goal is to trudge forward with my family, and try to be the person you’ve all cared enough to support. Please know that my gratitude is such that I can’t find the way to express it. And I’m a writer, words are sorta my thing.

I’ll let Sheldon Cooper help me struggle through how to show gratitude…

* I got a hair cut. While not as important as getting clean underwear, it was getting up there in the “people will start pointing” scale. I normally cut my own hair, so had to take an unfamiliar trip to the local barber. He refused to take money for the trim. Funny thing is, his kindness will earn him a lifetime client.

* We have phone service and Internet service. There’s a bit of a story here, but I should precede by explaining why it was so important. In the rental home that was so graciously opened up for us, there is no phone. There is also no Internet access. All that would be fine, but it’s nestled down near the river and cellphone coverage is such that a person must stand on one foot while dipping their finger in icewater and licking a metal spoon in order to make a phone call. With our recent circumstances, the inability to make emergency phone calls is more than a bit unsettling. I scheduled for installation, but the quickest turnaround time was Wednesday afternoon for Internet, and Thursday for phone. Concerned about the anxiety level isolation was bringing, I sent a tweet to Eric over at Charter, and in less than 15 minutes a technician was on site to install both. I will never doubt Eric’s super powers again. Or his kindness.

* So yeah, I have reliable Internet service now. You’ll be hearing from me a lot more often. Mwa ha ha.

* I did not get to the house today to shoot video. It’s amazing how much work is involved with getting this paperwork signed, that agreement agreed upon, this utility activated, that contractor scheduled, etc, etc. I hope to get some better photos and some video soon. Most of my family hasn’t seen the house either, and while they don’t want to go into the building, seeing the aftermath is something of interest. Perhaps to you too.

* I have a PO Box now. Sadly, I don’t remember what the number is. I know, pathetic. I have to figure out the address soon, because my key will only open one of those magical boxes, and trying each one is probably a felony. I’ll let everyone know when I figure it out. I’ll even write it down!

* We have continued to use the money donated to buy the essentials we need to live normally. With the processes in place for purchase, claim, submit, approve, reimburse — getting any money from our Insurance company is much more of a long term endeavor than something we can rely on. Most recently, Donna bought a rug to cover the cold floor in our new living room. It’s quite fuzzy. You’d like it.

* I know I’m still behind on replies. The reasons are many-fold. Like the title of this post says, it’s only day 3. It feels like eons ago our house was on fire — but I guess it’s just been so hectic it feels long ago. Also, I am still using the little netbook to type. My hands get angry with me after a short while. They’re quite miffed right now in fact, and I’ll be closing this blog entry soon.

* You may have read my little “Snowflake” story. While certainly a cheesy representation of the love you’ve all poured out on my family, I just wanted to come up with something other than “Thank You”. I worry if I keep saying “Thank You” it will sound less sincere. It’s not. You’ve all, ALL been so amazing to my family. I can easily name more blessings we’ve experienced from this tragedy than devastation. And yes, I do realize how significant that sounds. It’s true. For that, and everything else, thank you.

The forecast was for rain, and on the horizon dark clouds loomed with glorious beauty. But here, it was hot. Really hot. Jade kept trudging along though, he was prepared for this journey. No, he didn’t want the truck to break down in the middle of the desert, but he had all he needed to survive. As long as he maintained focus on the dark, wicked, beautiful storm clouds, the walk didn’t seem so bad.

God, however, had a sense of humor. In the middle of the Arizona desert, there was a cottonwood tree somewhere blissfully unaware of the inhospitable environment. Those stupid little fluff balls kept blocking Jade’s view of the torrential downpour he was heading for. HE DIDN’T DESERVE THIS! Like the straw hat, he was sure the little cottonwood fluffs were robbing the precious little water his body was squirting out of his overworked sweat glands. Those stupid little trees will probably even sprout, using HIS sweat to nurture them.

The cottonwood fluff got thicker and thicker. There were moments Jade couldn’t even tell if the storm was still ahead. All he could see was fluff! What if he turned in the wrong direction? What if the storm dissipated? What if he choked to death on cottonwood fluff?!?!

Jade had enough. He looked up to the sky and screamed with all his might, “WHY!?!?!! Why would you send a fluff storm when I need water?!?! It’s HOT out here! I’m going to die before I ever get to the storm! I don’t understand why you…”

Jade stopped short. The screaming made him feel better. Much better. It wasn’t because of some cathartic outpouring of hostilities though, Jade felt better because of the cotton fluff that fell into his mouth. It… It was refreshing. It was cold. It was SNOW! Jade had been batting SNOW away from his face! He took a moment to look around, and found that in the middle of the Arizona desert he was surrounded by piles of snow.

Jade was right. He didn’t deserve this. The sun was still beating down on him, but as he rolled around in the snow, he realized that it wasn’t about deserving or not deserving. It wasn’t about logic. It wasn’t about weather patterns. Somewhere, someone cared enough to not only send him water — but send him snow. So rather than trying to explain it, rather than trying to refuse it — Jade just appreciated it. And instead of trying to get to the rain, he just stayed where he was and knew things were going to be OK.

Thank you for snowing on me and my family. Thank you for keeping me from being a jaded Jade myself. Thank you for providing me with more than the water I need, but giving me a snowstorm in the desert. I now understand it’s not about deserving, or earning, or even understanding. Sometimes you just have to enjoy the snow.

Silliness aside, I managed to tether my Droid to my work netbook and attain enough signal to click “send” successfully. Or, I think I will. I managed to get this page to load anyway. Here’s a quick update on what your donations have done. I’ll do my best to get some photos and possibly video tomorrow. I’m just hoping for text success today!

* Donna went to the store and purchased our family all new coats. We decided coats, snow pants, gloves, hats, etc. were things that made sense to purchase new. While we have been given a few coats for the kids to wear in the short term, they suffered from varying degrees of not-quite-fitting. They also were significantly different in actual insulating abilities. Again, it’s not that we weren’t grateful to cover the kid’s bodies — it’s just that purchasing such things made sense to us. (I only elaborate because while you haven’t asked for a play by play, it seems you all have some vested interest in such things. Pun shamelessly intended)

* Many people have asked if we have insurance. In fact, we do, and we’re so thankful. Since we have insurance, I honestly felt bad accepting such gracious gifts from people. As it turns out, the insurance wheels turn amazingly slow, however. While everyone has been wonderful, agent wise, the truth is these things take TIME. More so than I ever imagined. So you have all provided us with flexibility and comfort in a very rough time. Again, my gratitude is indescribable.

* I’m not good at asking for help. Those of you that know me personally probably know that. Thank you so much for not giving me an option. My family deserves the attention, and my inability to “make it all better” is humbling. You are helping in more ways than cash and gifts might seem. You’re showing my family you care about them — and that is huge.

* I’ve been asked vi email, IM, SMS, Yammer, Facebook, Twitter, Phone, Voicemail, (I’d say smoke signals, but that seems in poor taste), etc. about a few specific things:

1) Our girl’s sizes. I don’t know. I know that’s lame, but I don’t. I could say “uh, girl” — but that doesn’t actually help as much as I’d like it to. Fortunately, there are many people in our immediate vicinity that do know their sizes. Our girls were inundated with clothes, which we are very thankful for, and quite honestly we don’t have room for anything else right now. That’s not to say we won’t have that particular need in the near future, but right now we’re doing well clothing-wise. Once Donna gets online she will probably have more details.

2) Stuff for the family. This one is the hardest for me. I’m not saying that to be falsely humble, it’s just that since we’re alive, together, and warm — the rest seems selfish or arrogant to hope for. However, I see my children suffering emotionally. I can’t fix it. I desperately feel the need to fix it, but I can’t. So I will share things that I think will make a difference in their happiness. No, “stuff” won’t fix it, but I think there may be a value in pleasant distractions. I assure you my children (as Donna and myself) are treating everyone’s grace with as much humility as is possible. I have a few small things in mind, but as there is a huge coordinated effort in play already, I’ll try to make it so that we don’t end up with 374 sock monkeys from ThinkGeek. (That’s actually one of the Christmas presents our youngest misses the most. She’s such a geek in training!)

3) Stuff for Donna. You’d like my wife. Really. She’s an incredibly cool person. While there are a few things I’m trying to get set up for her, (Kindle & Laptop were destroyed), apart from reading materials and her Bible — she has few desires. Donna is the queen of “cool pen” collecting, so if you happen to have or know of some really cool pens, know that her collection is gone. (It’s not really a collection, but I tease her about it because she had so many pens)

4) Stuff for Me. I know I come across as the guy with a million toys, but honestly, there’s not much I need. I will probably spend some of the donated money to purchase some specialty equipment for creating videos. My Wacom tablet was destroyed, along with my desktop machine I used for doing such things. I’ve also accepted the offer of a laptop after much debate. See, I do have the use of a netbook, but it turns out the little beastie is rather hard to use as a main machine. Maybe I’m getting old.

* My address is currently in flux. I fully expect we’ll be at our current location for the next 2-6 months, but the address is a bit of a sticky wicket. The rental house itself is too close to the post office in town, so it can’t have mail delivered directly to it. However, today was Martin Luther King Jr. day, so the post office was closed. Basically we have no mailing address. The street address (for UPS/FedEx) has changed over the past few years, and no one is quite sure what the name of the street is. I know this first hand, as I was on the phone for over an hour with the cable company trying to figure out how I could get Internet service installed. If you have a desire to send my family something, there are a couple surefire ways to get them to us. Carlie, my boss over at Linux Journal, has offered to be a clearinghouse for such things. Just drop her an email at carlie@linuxjournal.com for more details. I will post my PO Box as soon as I get it, but right now it just doesn’t exist yet.

* The House. It’s in bad shape. I plan to get some footage tomorrow, and hopefully upload to show you all. While not official, most of the people I spoke with today expect the house will be a total loss. Since it’s completely standing, and shows no outward signs of damage — that’s odd to hear, but I’ll have more details tomorrow. I will say it’s deeply disturbing to go into the house. It’s almost like stepping into a horrid, dark, putrid alternate reality.

Ok, I didn’t mean to yammer on so long. This is just the first opportunity I’ve had to do a brain dump, and wanted to take advantage of it. More soon, and thank you all for the support you’ve given us. I’m still not sure what we did to deserve such treatment, but I’m certainly grateful we did. This has been rough couple days, and you’ve ALL smoothed over the rough parts a bit.

* We’re all OK. We were at church during the fire.

* Our house did burn, but is still standing. The fireman said it was likely because it’s winter, and the house was sealed up, so there wasn’t enough oxygen to keep the flames going. The part of the house where the main electrical line comes in is completely burned away, you can look down into the crawlspace from the bedroom door. While not official, the firemen think the main line in the crawl space is what caused the fire.

* Sadly, our 2 dogs (Tigger & Tux), our cat (Kiki), and my sister in law’s 2 dogs (Bruno & Ella) all perished in the fire. Their loss is the roughest part right now, as everything else that was lost is just stuff.

* The insurance company wasn’t reachable today. While I’m not sure if they’ll consider the house a complete loss, or will requisition to have it fixed, rest assured we do have insurance.

But all that isn’t why I came into work so I could update my website. The world could have waited a day to find out more details. I decided to drive into my office and update my website (while Donna is off buying underwear and such) because of how amazing everyone has been to us. Here’s a few of the things, other than our house burning down, that have been going on today:

* Before the fire was even extinguished, we had a place to stay tonight offered by friends.

* Before the fire trucks were gone, another friend from town offered to let us stay in a rental property he has while our insurance things are being worked out.

* The Red Cross tracked us down and gave us money to buy food and clothes.

* My cellphone (the one I have with me, my personal cellphone was in the house) hasn’t stopped buzzing from emails, tweets, facebook messages, text messages, etc. I have cried more today due to the outpouring of love than I have from the grief of loss. There really aren’t words to relay my thanks.

* Linux Journal put up a “Chip In” page, which is literally a link that people can send us money directly to my paypal account. It’s 7:00PM, and there’s already over two thousand dollars donated. That’s real money from real people, and we’re really humbled.

I really don’t know what to say. I really don’t. “Thank You” certainly doesn’t seem sufficient, but I think it’s all I can offer. So many people have contacted me, that I have no hope of responding to everyone, at least not in the short term. Just know that you’ve made me cry, in a good way, and today — that’s quite a feat.

So again, thank you. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your emails. Thank you for you cash donations. Thank you for caring. Because really, if nothing else, I’ve felt as though we are important to you all, and that has been amazing to experience.

-Shawn, from work.

I think a cat tongue would be really great for eating ice cream.

I like gummy bears.

(This post has been brought to you by the “adjusting to new medication society”)

I think a large part of my migraines might be due to stress. I have an abnormal amount in my life, even for me. So I’m up for ideas. Please, if your answer is “exercise”, be more specific. (Again, not that, sheesh keep your mind out of the gutter!)

Thanks in advance.

By the end of break, I had hoped we’d be moved over to a SAN based storage system, and that LTSP5 would be working on our really old hardware. That, sadly, didn’t happen. Even worse is that when I went home on Saturday my head was aching, and it turned into a knock down, drag out migraine that is still pounding quite severely. But the show must go on.

So here I am, at work with a pounding headache. It’s 11:30PM on Sunday night, but it needs to be done. Also for the record, 2010 sucks so far.

What, you haven’t heard the rumors? I guess that’s understandable. They were really only circulating around my house. And if you were around my house listening to rumors, well that’s just creepy. GO HOME!

On your way home, assuming you take public transport and aren’t driving, you can now browse my website on your iPhone/Droid/Crackberry/Probably_other_devices with a format designed specifically for you. See? I just give and give and give…

Happy New Year everyone!

You can’t make this stuff up, I found this post in my “Drafts” section of WordPress’ dashboard. Dated August 10th. I think posting it like this is actually better than finishing my original thoughts on the matter, which I assure you were profound.

Why yes, I did start this post about a week ago and I’m just getting around to posting it.

Here’s the deal:

UPDATE:

I am an information addict. The Internet is my crack, and the LCD monitor is like my crack pipe. (Or heroin and syringe if you prefer, or meth and… well, I don’t know how one “does” meth, but you get the idea)

At work, I have (3) 22+ inch monitors set up like a central command for post-apocalyptic warfare. Or efficient multitasking across 3 operating systems. (The latter is accurate, the former sounds cooler) Even with this trifecta of digital information conveyance, I find myself trying to mount a 4th monitor which will strictly be a fullscreen Google Calendar. I find that with so much screen real estate, it’s easy to overlook a small blinking reminder. With Google Calendar, there is a nice “current time” line that continually moves as the day progresses. I think I’d be more likely to take advantage of my schedule if I actually saw it on a more consistent basis.

So there’s my question: How many monitors are too many? Or is that like asking how much money is too much money?

Basically, I’m extending a wall from our walk-thru closet about 3 feet into our living room. Then I’ll be chopping the expanded closet into a small closet and my office. This only gives me about 49 square feet of room (7×7) for an office, but I think it will be sufficient. Basically I’ll have my own cubical at home.

I think it will be fairly easy as far as renovations go, and since I’m a total n00b with such things — it’s probably a good project to start with. PLUS, I’ll be able to click and type more efficiently, because I’ll have an office space of my own. I’m *very* excited, and will try to take photos of my progress. Feel free to laugh at me along the way.

I Believe Anti-Lock Brakes Stop on Ice Better Than Humans

Back in my last rant, I pointed out that it seems as though anti-lock brakes do a worse job of stopping than I can do with my human brain and soft pedal touch. Ryder argued that studies have been done (I didn’t bother checking, but let’s assume it’s true) proving anti-lock brakes stop on ice significantly better than any human can manage. For the sake of argument, I’ll agree. But that’s not actually what I hate about anti-lock brakes.

I Believe Anti-Lock Brakes Treat Drivers Like Idiots

And you know what? Many drivers are idiots, so perhaps this is a good thing. I just want the option to turn them off. The thing that really irks me, is “stopping” isn’t always the best course of action in a slippery situation. Anti-lock brakes take away any options a smart, quick thinking driver might utilize. Want to ditch the car? Good luck, a tap on the brakes will take away any maneuvering abilities you may have had. Want to powerslide to point your car in the “least likely to kill anyone” position as you slide past a stop sign? Again, no chance because your brake pedal has grown a mind of its own.

So there it is. I think anti-lock brakes are great for people that need them. I think anti-lock brakes are great for people who aren’t sure if they need them, because they probably do. Heck, I’m SO GLAD anti-lock brakes are in the vehicles of people that slam on the brakes and scream when they approach a stoplight on icy roads.

But honestly, I think I’m a better driver than the computer that pumps the brakes eleventy hundred times a second. Sure, it can stop in a straight line stop on bare ice faster than I can — but there’s more to driving than pumping the brakes, and I think my foot has the upper hand.

Anyway, in no particular order, here’s what I hope to do in 2010:

1) Finish the project I’m horribly behind on.

Unfortunately, it’s a time sensitive project, and the time has long since passed the sensitive zone. The people I’m working with on this project are incredibly wonderful to work with, and beyond understanding when it comes to my crazy schedule — but I gotta be honest, they deserve better. I’d like to get this particular resolution done in January.

2) Learn to use a Linux video editor.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a zealot when it comes to Linux. I’m really not. Here’s the deal though, I’d really like to make the videos I do for Linux Journal on a Linux machine. It just seems like the right thing to do. My lack of motivation for switching has been because I can already edit video really efficiently on OSX, and it took me a long time to learn Final Cut. Still, I’d like to use Linux as my primary system, so this is a goal. (Kris Occhipinti has been a huge motivation on this front. Thanks Kris.)

3) Change the way I eat.

Note: This is not a, “Lose Weight” resolution. This is an, “Eat Better” resolution. There are two major problems with my current eating lifestyle: Quantity & Quality. Once I finish resolution #1, hopefully I can take some of that time to actually cook food. I still eat at restaurants way too often.

4) Exercise.

I’ll be honest, this is the least likely resolution I’ll be able to accomplish. Donna convinced me to go into the local gym every morning and work out with her for a month. Since I’ll have to pay for the membership, I’ll do my best to accomplish it. Perhaps walking on a treadmill next to Donna will make it less horrifying. Man, I really hate exercise…

5) Write a Book.

I don’t care if it’s a little all year, or a cram session in November (NaNoWriMo), I really want to write a book. I’m not sure if I’ll start with fiction or technology — but I must write a book. Really.

So that’s it. It’s a lot, but I purposefully didn’t put anything on there I don’t think I can accomplish. If all you’re lacking for your New Year’s Resolutions is the commitment to make them, feel free to do so in the comment section. If you slip up, we’ll know. Well, ok, only if you tell us. But still, feel free to commit below.

Happy New Year’s!!!!

I’m a big fan of bootable USB drives. In fact, although he hasn’t updated it in a while (hint hint), I think Bill Childers‘ Linux distribution “Billix” is handy to have in your pocket. But there must be other things that are perfect for a USB drive. What are some of your favorites? I’m really curious.

There is one task I find especially enjoyable, however: Answering letters to the editor. I’m not entirely sure why I enjoy it so much, but for some reason, interacting with readers that take the time to write in to the staff really makes me proud to be part of something bigger than myself. It’s also interesting that while I answer a bunch of the letters, it’s not always me that does so. See, all the responses are signed simply “Ed”, meaning it comes from the editorial staff in general. Yes, it’s pretty humbling to represent everyone.

So if any of you were wondering what being one of the editors of an international magazine is like, well, it’s pretty cool. The best part, however, is simply responding to people. Because it’s the people that make a community, and it’s the community that makes my job so awesome.

-Ed

So this is a new doctor. No preconceived notions, no hidden agendas, no reason to treat me any way other than “textbook”. And textbook is what I want at this point.

1. I’m allergic to Triptan drugs. Those are the drugs like Imitrex, Maxalt, and the like. You know, migraine medicine. So yeah, that sucks.
2. I have no idea what triggers my migraines. Raw onions give me a headache, so I try hard to avoid them. Other than that, there seems to be no pattern to the triggers.
3. There is no 3. Really, I’m not that medically interesting for a 3. Apart from my car accident (click above if you don’t know what I’m talking about), I’m a normal bloke. Slightly overweight, slightly high blood pressure, and on an SSRI for some OCD issues I struggle with. That’s it.

The new doctor with a fresh pair of eyes thinks I’m full of crap.

Mind you, if it was a figurative “full of crap” I was referring to, I could write it off to me looking like a drug seeker or something. I dunno, maybe I’m too twitchy. Maybe the stress I’m under makes my eyes dart around in a “crazy heroine addict” sorta way. But no, when I say “full of crap”, I mean just that. The doctor suggested a colon cleansing.

Oh, I’m sorry. Does that make you uncomfortable? Yeah, well it didn’t really thrill me either. My colon is causing migraines? I actually looked for a smirk to see if he was kidding. But again, no.

So, because I’m a good patient, and because my health insurance won’t let me see a neurologist without a referral, I’ll be pooping like a goose for the next few weeks. We ordered “Oxy Cleanse” or some such supplement, and while I’m sure it will flush my colon, cleanse my aura, and purify my spirit — I’m rather doubtful it will help with my migraines.

You know, maybe the doctor was hard of hearing, and thought I was suffering from chronic hemorrhoids. At least that would make more sense.