The Truth About Boxers and Briefs

Max here prefers WonderDog Underoos over Superman -- but as long as you don't make him wear boxers, he won't bite you.This post crosses way over the line of TMI, but if you’re remotely interested in some insight into the boxer and brief debate, and not offended by references to dangley bits, this post might be educational. It might also be a complete farce, it’s hard to tell.

This evening, due to my inability to put my dirty clothes in the hamper, I have no clean underwear. I recently got out of the shower, and realized my situation too late to do much about it. So I grabbed a pair of boxer shorts and put them on. I really don’t like boxer shorts. So let’s talk about my misery a bit, OK?

  • Boxer shorts are not underwear. You can feel free to disagree with me, but sadly you’re wrong. (Hey, lay off, it’s my blog) Look at their name: “Boxer shorts“. They’re shorts. The only reason they’ve become synonymous with underwear is so many people wear them as such. It’s much easier to say, “I prefer boxers”, than to admit, “I actually don’t wear any underwear — but don’t worry I always wear a pair of shorts under my pants so if my zipper falls down you don’t need to call the cops”. See, the latter just doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily.
  • Before you start bragging about how great your boxer shorts are, take into account the real reason I think some of us prefer actual underwear. You ever been fishing? If you fish for little fish, like perch for instance, when you catch one you simply pull it out of the water dangling from your fishing line. It works great. If you go salmon fishing, however, you need a net to pull those big suckers in. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.
  • I think boxers are more popular with people in their 20s because they weren’t alive in the time period that tight jeans were “in.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that wearing boxers while wearing tight jeans is an easy way pinch things off. I’m just saying.
  • It’s true there are lots of cool boxer shorts to be found. Cartoons characters, funny quips, strange designs, etc. Sadly, the days of awesome themed underwear are largely over for those of us that wear briefs. Back in the day, we could wear Underoos — but unfortunately I can’t find Superman undies in my size anymore. And yes, I’d probably wear them if I could. Shut up, you would too.
  • I realize some doctors recommend boxers for men that are having a hard time conceiving children. I say get a new doctor. Sorry guys, see above mentions of pinching things off. Sometimes you gotta get a second opinion.
  • Bikini things are not the same as briefs. Look, no one wants to see you in those. And if you’re an underwear model or something, and the ladiez really do want to see you in something that resembles a tiger-striped Speedo, chances are you’re not reading my blog anyway. One thing is for sure, none of the guys at the gym want to see you wearing that crap, so save it for jungle night at home or something. (And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t blog about it. Please.)
  • The flies in tighty-whiteys: No one actually threads their thing through that ridiculous maze of fabric in order to save the time it takes to pull down the front. Sorry of that steals the magic away for some of you, but it’s true. They are not functional as a weenie escape route, and even if you go through the trouble of doing so, let’s just say garden hoses aren’t the only things that kink.
  • So why are there double layers of cotton on the front of tighty-whiteys if you can’t use them for.. “that”? Ok, you asked. That dual layered front is for absorbency. Eiw right? Well, there is an unwritten law that says “Thou shall shake the drips off with 2 shakes only. Thou shall not shake more than twice. I meanest it, thou shall not. Three shakes is not OK, thou knowest it to be true…” So if the two shakes doesn’t sufficiently do the job, the two cotton layers are there to protect you from pee dots. Yeah, so what happens to your boxer friends after an unsuccessful double shake? Well lets just say they don’t have a double thick layer of cotton. Double Eiw.
  • And I think that will sufficiently gross enough people out to make up for my suffering in boxers this evening. I feel better. How about you? πŸ˜€

24 thoughts on “The Truth About Boxers and Briefs

  1. Shawn. I love you.
    Donna. You are a very patient woman.

    Weenie escape route. That’s going in the running for phrase of the week.

  2. Well, I wear boxers, but mostly for the “don’t call the cops” reason. Otherwise, I’d go commando.

    I wear loose-fitting clothes (mostly so I can kick a NY mugger in the head if I need to), so no kinking or cutting here. The only time I wear briefs is in lieu of a jockstrap, because running in boxers, at the rate I sweat, makes them creep up your butt until you might as well be wearing briefs. Except that said creepage in the back means it feels like someone gave you a Melvin. Or at least like you put on a thong.

    And my father taught me a rhyme about those pee spots: “no matter how you shake and dance, the last two drops go in yo”.

  3. “…unfortunately I can’t find Superman undies in my size anymore.”

    Gosh, the guys on Big Bang Theory don’t seem to have that problem….

    Also, f you came here to the Hometown of Superman

    http://www.metropolistourism.com/

    you could probably find some. πŸ˜‰

  4. If memory serves, you have a DEATH MATCH coming up next weekend, n’est pas? I can’t help thinking you’re giving away usable secrets to the opposition here.

  5. (as I shake my head) I’m am sorry that you all had to sit through that, but not too sorry cause you don’t have to live with it! πŸ™‚

  6. John, remind me to teach you that phrase in Russian – it’s infinitely more poetic.

    Boxer briefs are the best of both worlds. And since the packaging says “briefs”, you can’t attack it without bringing down your entire argument here, Shawn. πŸ˜€

  7. Oh, Shawn, I am a very visual person and this was, uhh… yeah. I am without words. Which you are evidently not.

    Let me just suggest you add more adventure to your life so you can find more things to blog about – and if you follow this up with a treatise on athletic supporter comparisons I will personally hire someone to thwap you at Penguicon.

  8. Shawn, Donna is AWESOME. And you’ve been married a long time.

    But I have to tell you – NEVER REFER TO YOUR WIFE AS A “BAG” OF ANYTHING. NEVER.

    Because I care, I feel obliged to say this.

  9. Tania: Better? πŸ˜€

    Also, I must add that I did IM that to her before posting it, and was met with a smiley as opposed to a frowny, so I figured I was safe.

    But you’re right, “bag” is hard to put a good spin on. hehehehehe

  10. I volunteer to guest blog about the jock strap comparisons. :p

    Including the story about the time I saw some guy get kicked straight in the crotch and the cup…failed… spectacularly. Let’s just say that’s not the place you want to have to remove a big, sharp piece of plastic from. o.O

  11. Just since we are all oversharing here… I like boxer briefs, as far as how they look on a guy. Well, MY guy anyway πŸ˜‰ Boxers are too loose in the back and tighty-whiteys just… well. No.

    Boxer briefs are perfect, they show off the cute butt without being yucky.

  12. Boxer briefs are great – you get to enjoy some eye candy without feeling the need to scream “MY EYES”.

    And they come in colors and patterns. πŸ™‚

  13. I always say, “If your not careful, you’ll learn something new everyday!”

    and it’s so earley in the day too…

  14. OK, now look, Shawn, you need to warn people before you just whip out a line like let’s just say garden hoses aren’t the only things that kink. Because between you and Nathan this morning I’ve either spit my coffee out on the keyboard or snorted it up my nose. Frankly, I’d like to get one complete cup of coffee down. So, knock it off.

    Also, now I’m picturing Anne in Wonder Woman underwear, complete with golden lasso. Mmmm.

    What?

    Oh, yeah. “Pee Dots.” Yep. That’ll do it.

    Poor Donna.

  15. Sorry man…The layers of fabric on the front of briefs is NOT for absorbentcy…It is layered that way so in the event of certain things EXPANDING or getting larger…there is room for the fabric to stretch and not restrict…Im sure you get the drift.

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