Dear International Cafe “Cinnamon Dulce” Cappuccino…

You are a powdered drink mix. Just like chopped steak is still hamburger, and Crocs are just weird rubber shoes, you are not a gourmet beverage. Please do not pretend to be so.

In fact, I suspect you may actually be a prank beverage, because it seems that when I made a cup in my gourmet single serving brewing apparatus (see, it doesn’t make my cheap coffee pot any fancier to use big words either), you foamed sticky goo all over my shelf.

I don’t like sticky.

Apparently someone at Maxwell House thought it would be a good idea to crumble up a bunch of Alka-Seltzer tablets into each can of Cinnamon Dulce Cappuccino, so that a proper foamy head would appear on each cup. Let me remind you, you are an instant beverage mix. No one takes you seriously. It was either you, or I brew another pot with my already used coffee grounds from this morning, and that idea almost won. You are what I drink when I run out of nasty office coffee. Don’t try to be more than you are, it’s unbecoming.

Now please clean my wall-secured, elevated, fibrous, hardwood shelving device. It’s gross.

3 thoughts on “Dear International Cafe “Cinnamon Dulce” Cappuccino…

  1. This may be a little off subject, and I don’t drink coffee myself,
    But a few years back I worked at the cafe in Barns and Noble.
    I felt that I made a pretty good cappuccino and pretty good lattes.

    But, most people who order cappuccinos and lattes don’t even know what they are ordering. They are basically the same thing, except a cappuccino is a little milk and a lot of foam and a latte is a little foam and a lot of milk.

    People would order cappuccinos and then come and complain that their cup was mostly foam. I would tell them, “That is what a cappuccino is. Did you mean you wanted a latte?”. They would then insist that when they get there cappuccinos at 7eleven that it wasn’t like this. I’m not kidding. That was there argument! And not just one person, but I had this happen a lot!

    That’s like saying, “Linux isn’t a good OS because it’s not like Windows.” 😉

    1. That always annoys me. I’m not a big fan of foam, but I like really strong coffee. So I either suffer with foam, or order a latte with an extra shot or two. It makes too expensive coffee even MORE expensive. Le sigh.

  2. I is sorry to disappoint you, g00t sir, but…

    We do not brew powdered drink mix. This no is what we does. It is not a gourmet beverage, no, and were we to be quite honest about it, we would admit that it isn’t really coffee, either, and if it has the name Maxwell House on it, it really never should have entered your house. But don’t put it in your coffeemaker. You understands? OK? Srsly?!

    What we do—if we either are evil, villainous individuals or just can’t have caffeine—is we boil some water and pour the powder into it. When you put it in a filter basket, the water pours in on top, and it creates a sticky syrup, and then the whole mess just dribbles down into your pot and leaves tiny encrusted molecules of sticky Maxwell House powdered drink mix cemented to the top of the dripping apparatus where they will stay permanently bonded FOREVER.

    Please stick to brewing coffee from now on, g00t sir.

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