Category Archives: General Thoughts

I Am Racist

I don’t want to be. I don’t try to be. My mom didn’t purposefully raise me to be. But I am.

White Privilege. I’m racist because I’m white and I live in a country where that affords me privileges black folks don’t get. Just because I’m white. I don’t want to put white privilege in quotes, because that implies its existence is in debate. It’s not. I have privileges as a white person that others simply don’t have. And yes, I AM ashamed of it. Just because I didn’t seek out my white privilege doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And if I “choose” to not use my white privilege, well, I can’t. That’s not how it works. I have plenty of struggles, and I even grew up very poor — but not because of my skin color. Others can’t say the same.

Systemic Racism. I’m also racist because of the systemic racism that still exists in our country. I read a post by a black man who has to walk his tiny little poodle when he wants to go for a walk, because with the tiny poodle, he’s less threatening. That seems absurd. Surely I wouldn’t treat a black man any differently if we passed on the street. But then I thought about it. Would I? If this 6’2″, athletically built black man was walking down the street toward me, would I be nervous? What if he was having a bad day and had a sour look on his face? What if he hated white people? (See? Systemic racism. He MIGHT hate white people, and he might have really good reasons to feel that way. And NO, that’s not “reverse racism”, because there’s just no such thing) I’ve grown up in a bubble, even though I lived in the inner city of Detroit as a child. I was still a white kid in the inner city, so when it came time for me to get a job, I had an easier time simply because I’m white. (Yes, white privilege is part of systemic racism, but I wanted to list them both in bold)

Black Lives Matter. I can not understand why this phrase offends people. It’s not saying or implying that black lives matter more than any other lives. Just that they matter. As much. When we respond, “All Lives Matter” — we’ve missed the point entirely. We can’t erase the disproportionate police brutality by cleverly overwriting the sentiment with inclusivity. Of COURSE all lives matter, but that should include black lives, and the evidence shows it’s not the case. One of my favorite responses to saying “All Lives Matter” is this comic by Kris Straub:

Black People Don’t Need a White Savior. I can’t fix this. I can’t even understand all of it, because of my white privilege. So what should I do? Again, I don’t have all the answers. I know that if we want to make a difference as white people, we should listen to black people. Not so we can fix it, but so we can humbly try to help. I’m a problem solver by nature. I hate that this isn’t something I can fix, but I simply can’t. Hopefully I can be part of the solution.

So to my white friends: No one is mad at you for being white. No one blames you for your white privilege. But denying systemic racism exists is insulting, and a non-starter for moving forward. And honestly, we’re so blinded to the reality, I’m sure I’ve misrepresented things in this very post. Be humble. Acknowledge the disparity. Care. It’s not about us, even if it’s because of us.

My Youngest, Lizzie

To my black friends: You don’t need more burdens, that much I understand. But as a group, we (white people) are so sheltered from reality, we not only don’t know what we should do, we don’t even understand the depth of what’s going on. When white people say, “All Lives Matter”, many of them are trying to be loving and understanding. We want to be better. But we’re spoiled, ignorant, and are used to “fixing” things by snapping our fingers. (GAWD that’s an embarrassing truth) When I see my daughter proudly holding a Black Lives Matter sign while getting scorned by people in big trucks waving confederate flags — I have hope. But even her protest is a cry for guidance. And it’s guidance I can’t give her. Because I don’t know. And my ignorance is embarrassing, but I’d rather be embarrassed and look foolish than be silent and look hateful.

And lastly, to quote my friend Jim Wright, “If you want to be a better nation, be better citizens.”

We Can’t Do This Alone

(NOTE: This is being written during the COVID-19 pandemic, specifically during the “Stay at Home” directive in Michigan.)

My Lungs Suck. Barely.

This week, the CDC announced that it is recommended to wear cloth masks while out in public. A friend of mine kindly made and delivered really cool masks for Donna and me to wear when we go out for walks. You’d think this post was going to be about how my friend Dennis making us masks is how we can work together to get through this. And while that’s true, that’s not what I’m writing about.

Donna and I have been in quarantine for a little over 2 weeks now. It’s because I have health issues that put me at high risk for complications if I get the virus. Today, my health issues really just kicked me in the pants. See, about 3 minutes into our walk, I was reminded just how weak my lungs are. Even with the thin, cloth mask — my lungs were overwhelmed. I had trouble catching my breath, I started wheezing, and my chest started hurting.

Had I not experienced this before, it would have been terrifying. But sadly, I was just reminded that I have never been able to wear masks. When we emptied the hay out of our barn a couple years back, I tried to wear an N95 mask (I also have allergies, hay dust is a monster), and I couldn’t even wear it when riding the tractor. My lungs are just too weak. In fact, even after those couple minutes yesterday, my lungs are still angry today. I just can’t wear a mask.

And that’s the point of this post. Wearing a mask is only a recommendation at this point. I was planning to wear one whenever I go out for a walk, to set a good example. But I can’t. If you can wear a mask, it would be a kindness to people like me. Not even because you might be infected and not know it (you could be), but because wearing a mask is an outward sign that you care about others. Others like me.

I feel bad that I can’t wear a mask. I apologize for the appearance I show of not caring, or not taking the CDC recommendations seriously. But if we all do what we can, we can put the humanity into our society. Be safe. Wash your hands. <3

Isolation Funk

Why are you still at my house? GO AWAY, HUMAN!

I work from home every day. This new COVID-19 stuff shouldn’t be all that different for me. But boy howdy is it ever. Part of it is because I’m in strict quarantine. I’m not going to the store, I’m not meeting anyone at the door, and I’m not even going through drive-thru anything. I’m staying in the house, and going for walks with my wife. That’s literally it.

I’m also a hard-core introvert. I *like* to be alone. But it’s different when you’re alone because you can’t be around other people. There’s something comforting about knowing you COULD go to the coffee shop and sit near human beings if you wanted to. Isolation is oddly painful. Thankfully I have my wife with me, but it’s difficult on her, because while I’m at least partially prepared for solidarity, she’s a social person who actually likes people.

My plan has been to livestream often, upload videos to stay connected with the world, and hopefully help others out of their own funk by sharing our funkiness online. But as the days go on, not only haven’t I had the energy to reach out to the world, I’ve found myself less and less willing and capable to converse even textually. UGH.

I’m doing my best to get past the funk. I’ll even try to post/upload/stream more human stuff as soon as I can muster the strength. I think today I’m going to wire a few new birdcams to get some much-needed nature into my life. I’ll share with everyone, especially once the feeders are live.

Stay strong, everyone. We’re still all in this together, even if we’re apart. Keep eating. Keep showering. Keep shaving (legs or face, or both if you’re into that). And if you’re someone who posts positive things online, keep posting. If you’re someone who follows people who can’t help but post online (ahem, sorry), keep following and commenting.

And of course, wash your hands. 🙂

This is Not Normal Telecommuting

Flamethrowers are standard issue for telecommuters…

Those of us who are work-from-home-introverts can be found online joking about how we’ve been preparing for this Coronavirus thing for our entire lives. And yes, I suspect the transition to working from home will be easier on introverts, and will be almost no change for existing telecommuters. That said, working from home this past week was not normal. Even for those of us who normally work from home.

Some things you might be feeling are normal when starting to work from home:

  • Feeling like you’re not really working because you’re sitting at the same table where you just ate Lucky Charms with your kids
  • Worried that your coworkers think you’re slacking off
  • Mortified at the thought of your kids and/or animals interrupting a meeting
  • Being distracted by being home
  • Feeling alone, so alone, so lonely
  • Having a profound fear that you’re actually a senile old person who is being humored by caregivers into thinking you’re actually doing a job when you’re really just sitting at a table in an old folks home typing on an Etch-a-Sketch and video conferencing at an old photograph of a team building event you attended back in 1982
  • Ok, that last one was just me. Sorry if I’ve introduced that into your own psychosis

Some things, however, are NOT part of the normal transition into telecommuting:

Difficulty Focusing

Don’t get me wrong, it’s easy to get distracted when you work from home. The distractions can be anything from falling into a YouTube hole, to overthinking your interaction with a coworker that seemed like maybe it was tense but you can’t tell because you’re not there to read their body language. Working from home during the Coronavirus is different though.

  • You probably don’t have an established location to work. When you telecommute regularly, you have a work space, even if it is something you set up and tear down every day. After a couple days, you’ll get better at “being at work”.
  • Your kids are probably home with you. This is HUGE. Normally when you work from home, you don’t have your kids with you. During this time of social separation, your kids and possibly spouse are just THERE all the time. That’s not normal, and it’s affecting my productivity as well. And I have a separate office in a remote part of the house.
  • Your company is not prepared to have their entire workforce work from home. As someone who is particularly vulnerable to this virus, I’m grateful and quite honestly proud of companies who are allowing people to work from home. But it’s a sudden adjustment with no time to prep. It will NOT be smooth. It WILL affect productivity. At first, productivity will go down. (That said, I think telecommuting in general is underutilized, and it can help productivity — but this is a special circumstance)
  • YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT COVID-19 ALL THE TIME. And of course you are. So am I. It’s changing the way we live our daily lives. You’re reading this from your kitchen table for Pete’s sake. Our world has been turned bonker-town nutsy-whack. When you’re thinking about if your kid’s cough means he infected Grandma last week, or if you have enough food and toilet paper to stay indoors for a few weeks — it’s going to affect your productivity. Even if you were still in the office. In fact, if you were in the office, and not safe at home, your productivity would probably be even LOWER than it is now.

So basically, welcome to the world of telecommuting. Also, this is not the world of telecommuting. You’re getting a crappy, dystopian version of working from home. When this current emergency is behind us, there might be some changes to how we think about work. There may be opportunities for more employees to transition to telecommuting. Know that while it is a strange adjustment, the weird version you’re experiencing now is not normal. But that’s OK. We’re all in this together, even though we have to be apart. Thank goodness for technology. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook if you want some social interaction. I’ll even be livestreaming a lot more, just to have a place to spend time together.

Finding the Joy in 2019

Nigel enjoyed 2019. Especially the fishy bits.
Nigel enjoyed 2019. Especially the fishy bits.

This won’t be a long, navel-gazing post about all the wisdom I’ve gathered over the past year. Rather, a quick list of things that stuck out to me. And honestly, it’ll probably largely be from the past couple months, because a year is a long time to remember. And I didn’t take notes. 🙂

  • Happiness is a funny thing. I realized this year that, for me at least, happiness isn’t the result of things done well. Rather, happiness tends to cause things to go well. If I focus first on being happy, content, and having fun — those things like work, family, and hobbies tend to be more successful. And how does one focus on being happy? Oddly enough, choosing to be happy.
  • Facebook isn’t a good source for news. But (un?)fortunately it’s a really good place to find out about people in your life. If you want to see who a person really is, look at what they post/share/like. Or don’t, because it’s often more heartbreaking than anything.
  • Proxmox is awesome. Sorry in advance to my non-nerdy friends, but Proxmox is a virtualization platform, and I’m sad to say I haven’t used it before this year. I’ve been so very foolish to wait. It’s incredible. Hopefully you’ll hear more about it from me in 2020, because holy cat biscuits am I a fan.
  • eBay is a great place to buy servers. If you can deal with last-generation hardware, buying use/reconditioned servers on eBay is so affordable, it feels criminal. Granted buying used equipment forces you to focus on redundancy and backups in case of failure — but shouldn’t you be focusing on those things anyway?!?!?
  • Losing weight is HARD. And it’s even harder for women than men. I lost over 50 pounds this year, and although I gained back 11-ish over the holidays, the past 6 months have been a big first step in a lifestyle change. I’m in my mid-40s now, and I need to eat far less, and exercise far more often than I did in decades past. I want to get really old someday, and keeping my body healthy and strong is an important part of that goal.
  • Point of view is critical. I’m a pretty sickly guy. From bad lungs, to bad kidneys, to heart concerns in my 20s — there’s a lot wrong with me. (Seriously, that’s just a tiny fraction of my issues, I don’t want to depress anyone with the entire list, especially myself!) I try daily to focus on how healthy I am in spite of all the things working against me. I’m not sickly, I’m impossible to kill!
  • Learning is awesome. Yeah, I know, I’m a trainer by profession so this sounds like a marketing tactic, but I mean for myself as much as anyone else. I absolutely love learning. This year alone I:
    • Built a hydroponic system in my basement
    • Learned this decade’s nuances with video and live-streaming
    • Installed lighting systems of multiple brands/kinds/styles all over my house and office
    • Learned a bit of a new programming language (python)
    • Read over a book a week
    • Left the country (this is a big deal for me, it’s a phobia)
    • Fixed a refrigerator
    • Installed a dishwasher
    • Bought/used/learned/installed/played_with more technology and gadgets than anyone has a right to
    • Finally pinned a tweet (sorry it took so long, Jake!)

I don’t know what 2020 has in store for me health-wise, work-wise, etc. — but I know that if I approach it purposely filled with joy first, it will be far better than if I try to create happiness by doing things. If I learned anything from 2019, it’s that joy is a choice. A decision. And it puts all the other things in place, regardless of what those things might be. Happy New Year, everyone. Let’s make it awesome together. 🙂