My Plan To Replace The Dollar Bill

I don’t really have anything against dollar bills. I don’t. They fit in your wallet well, they are great for tipping, and they smell pretty cool. (That’s actually cool of all denominations, not just singles. Hey don’t judge me, marker sniffer.)

Apart from that, they are a waste. As it turns out, paper currency costs a lot of money. Har har har. Seriously though, using coin dollars would purportedly save $5.5 billion dollars over the next 30 years. This is due to a few reasons:

  • Dollar bills cost 2.7 to make
  • Dollar coins cost 15 cents to make
  • BUT, bills last about 40 months
  • and coins last 34 years

You probably figured out one of the big reasons the government might hesitate switching over. The first 4 years of the switchover will actually cost money instead of saving money. Politicians need to be reelected, and losing money in the short term doesn’t really garner that many votes. (As a whole, people are fairly short sighted)

So here’s my plan: We need to get the support of the extreme (ahem, crazy) conservative Americans. We just need to stress a few things about paper dollars, and they’ll be burned at the metaphorical stake:

  • Paper dollars are easier to stuff into stripper’s g-strings than coins.
  • Marijuana joints are rolled with dollar bills. (I had to google this, but apparently it’s true) Not so much with coins. Sure, it would probably be possible to roll them with bigger bills — but druggies only have dollars left after the purchase. Everyone knows that.
  • Bank robbers always want small, unmarked bills. That’s because singles are sinful.
  • Dollar bills are bleached out to make counterfeit larger denomination bills. Who would ever bleach out a 5?!?!?
  • And lastly, one dollar bills are used to steal from God. People wrap a bunch of 1’s in a 20, and drop it in the offering plate. It makes ’em look generous.

I think my plan is a good one. The only possible problem I see is that a dollar coin in a wallet looks like a condom. We’ll have to work on that one… πŸ˜‰

12 Comments

  1. vendlerius says:

    Nice. I might have to procure some of these coins.

  2. Clinton says:

    “Who would ever bleach out a 5?”

    When you’re making hundreds, I’d imagine the difference between ones and fives tends to shrink πŸ˜‰

  3. Adrian says:

    “I think my plan is a good one. The only possible problem I see is that a dollar coin in a wallet looks like a condom. We’ll have to work on that one…”

    Resurgence in the coin purse on your belt? Me likey!

  4. Nathan says:

    I know that when I’m in Canada, I love having Loonies and Twonies. The only way they’re ever going to catch on here is for them to just take the paper ones out of circulation.

  5. Topher says:

    I’ve long been a fan of dollar coins. I practically never see them in circulation though. πŸ™

  6. Michael Kines says:

    …extreme (ahem, crazy) conservative Americans = Christians?

    Just want to clarify, that if indeed you are making fun of Christians, I don’t think you are very funny at all. πŸ™

  7. Shawn Powers says:

    Michael – no, not at all. I’m a Christian, and a deacon at a Baptist church myself. I’m referring to the folks that make us Christians look like raving lunatics.

    That’s why I was being tongue-in-cheek. If you really think the reasons I list are valid reasons to get rid of the dollar bill, then, well I guess perhaps you might be one of those folks. I highly doubt it though. πŸ™‚

    (Please see the “About my Faith” link at the top of the page)

  8. Shawn's MOM says:

    I like dollar coins, just sayin’, so just cause you want to make the switch, I’m in :). I will buy a roll on payday!

  9. Gene says:

    I like the coins, but they are so similar to quarters, it gets confusing sometimes. Maybe they decided because it was only worth a quarter……

  10. Chris Smart says:

    While you’re at it, you can get with the 20th century and adopt polymer currency too.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polymer_banknote

    -c

  11. Nathan says:

    I’m changing my mind about this one Shawn. I’m just getting paypass embedded in my forehead.

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